Clouds in My Coffee

My Reflections in 2011 (Good or Bad)

2012-01-03T00:36:00.002+08:00

To save money, earn like a prince but live like a pauper. *wink*

A career is a choice with conviction. To have a good name in your field, focus on persevering in that field. Do not waste time and resources to linger around without establishing your profession. Time is running out.

No matter how systematic you plan for your goals, uncontrollable external factors will try to ruin your pursuits, or at least delay them. So always consider and assume the obstacles you will face for every plan that you make. Backup plans? They also fail.

From gossips to serious matters, always tell the truth, or what you think is the truth. You never know how your words spread across the globe.

No matter how convenient your workplace is, it will always have snake pits. I learned long ago that I should neither boot lick nor bow to mediocrity. Now I realize that even if you try very hard to do your best and be truthful to others, you can never assume that your fellow workers, even your closest, will do and be the same.

If your are highly regarded by your boss and your name precedes you in your workplace, some of your coworkers, especially at your level, will always be envious of you. You may not notice that at first, but the stench of jealousy and insecurity will come out in the long run. Have a close watch on them and keep a low profile at start.

Even your closest friends can talk about you or against you behind your back. Assume that they do. But don't get too paranoid.

Arrogance is bad. But when you are in a world full of negative vibrations, especially with people who you know will pull you down, your ego will dictate you not to be humble for your own protection. But be sure not to step on others. If you do, apologize.

Do not apologize to someone who does not know the meaning of apology.

Influence and power are short-lived, but strength of character lasts. If you have influence and power, wield them for the right things and never fear to lose them for a greater cause for you will still have yourself, proud with integrity.

Self-preservation is always the ultimate excuse to turn back on your principles.

Do not mind what others think of you, as long as you know that you are right. They will realize your legacy in the long run.

Love is not just an emotion or a choice. It is also a tool for self-destruction. It can be a poison, an addiction. Love can make you do crazy things, even hurt a friend. Do not use love as a reason to afflict others. Play fair.

Always evaluate you stand on love. It is a gamble that can cost you a lot. If you know you can't win, accept defeat.

Losing your trust on people compels you to burn bridges. It really "burns" inside, especially when the bonds were strong. But life must go on even when you lose friends or loved ones in the process.

Hindi ako nagtatampo, nagtatanim lang ako ng sama ng loob.

2011-10-29T14:37:00.004+08:00

Totoo yan.

Kahit napatawad na kita, hindi ko malilimitan ang mga bagay na ginawa mo sa akin, lalo na't alam ko and iyong motibo at ito'y iyong sinasadya.

Kahit batiin mo ako ng matamis mong ngiti, na alam ko na ito'y hindi taos-puso, babatiin kita para sa delikadesa, ngunit hindi mo na makukuha pa ang loob ko na ika'y ngitian ng taos-puso. Sapagkat sa simula pa lamang ay alam ko na ayaw mo akong bumalik at makisawsaw sa inyong magandang pagsasama at guluhin ang inyong kaligayahan.

Alam ko kung bakit ka nakasimangot palagi kapag nandyan ako. Alam ko kung bakit ka nalulumbay sa tuwing magkasama tayo. Kung anu-anong dahilan pa ang iyong sinasabi, ngunit batid ko ang katotohanan. Matindi ang pagseselos mo sa akin.

Sana ay masaya ka na sa aking desisyon at nilulubayan ko na kayo. Sana ay maging maligaya ka na sa aking ginawa na bunga ng iyong kagagawan. Hayaan mo lang ako. Mabubuhay ako nang wala kayo.

Ngunit magkatuluyan man kayo o hindi, hindi mo na maibabalik ang ating pagkakaibigan kailanman.

Sawi

2011-10-15T01:59:00.004+08:00

Habang sinusulat ko ito, nagdurusa ako sa trangkaso at sakit sa puso, sa baga o sa kung ano pa man. Kung mapaglaro ang tadhana sa akin at di na makapagsulat pang muli, kahit papaano ay nakapagsulat ako ngayon.

Ang pag-ibig ay isang bagay na nalalaman ko mula sa ibang tao ngunit hingi sa aking sarili. Ang alam ko lang ay hindi ako nabibigyan ng pag-asa upang umibig. Maaring hindi ako kinagigiliwan ng aking gusto, o di kaya'y hindi ko gusto ang mga nahuhumaling sa akin.

Ngunit alam ko kapag mayroon akong pag-asa. At sa kasamaang palad, hindi ko alam kung paano hulihin ang pagkakataong iyon. Laging sumasabog sa aking harapan ang mga bagay na sana ay nagiging makabuluhan. Tulad ngayon.

Sa isang di pagkakaunawan ng dapat ay isang kaibigan, nahihirapan akong makipagkasundo. Kung sa isang magkaibigan, sana ngayon ay maayos na ang aming relasyon. Ngunit hindi ko mawari kung bakit tumatagal nang ganito.

Nagmumukmok siya sa akin, ngunit sinasabi niyang hindi siya galit. Ayaw na raw niyang makinig sa kahit ano pa mang sabihin ko. Muntik ko na siyang amuhin, ngunit nangibabaw ang aking masamang ugali at hindi ko na siya kinibo.

Maayos na sana ang lahat nang nasumbatan ko siya kanina lamang, at hindi na naman niya ako kinibo. Tila namimikon pa siya nang kausapin nang may giliw ang iba, ngunit ako'y hindi pinapansin.

Ano ang mali sa aking mga ginawa? Alam ko na may kapintasan sa aking pagkatao, ngunit ano ang aking nagawang kasalanan sa kanya? Ako ba ay naging marahas sa pagiging totoo bilang kaibigan? Napakaselan na ng lahat na tila hindi na maaring magkaayos pa.

Bakit niya ako pinapahirapan ng ganito? May gusto ba siya sa akin? O sadya lang siyang matampuhin tulad ko.

Kung ano pa man iyon, tila nawawalan na ako ng pag-asang magkakaayos pa kaming muli. May lamat na ang aming pagkakaibigan dahil sa mga walang halagang bagay.

Ngunit labis ko itong ikinapipighati dahil alam ko, at marahil ay alam din niya, na minamahal ko siya.

Awkward moment

2011-09-17T19:25:00.008+08:00

Share ko lang.

Kakatapos lang ng huling klase namin kanina. Tulad ng dati, nakihati na naman ako sa sandwich niya. Nagdesisyon na kaming umuwi, pero dumaan muna kami sa 7-eleven para bumili ng inumin. Bigla siyang nag-open.

"Uy, yung tungkol sa kahapon, napikon ka ba sa 'kin?"

Napaisip ako. "Oo, nainis ako. Alam mo naman na inis ako 'di ba?"

"Oo, pero pag-usapan muna natin, dito muna tayo, ok lang?" Nakatapat kami sa magazine rack, tumitingin ng mga magazine habang nag-uusap.

Nailang ako. Alam ko kasi na ayos na kami. Madali naman mawala ang inis ko, lalo na sa kanya. Pero sinimulan niya ulit kaya naalala ko na naman.

"Napikon ako, I felt miserable. Parang ako lang yung taong ginaganon mo, na feeling ko mali na naman ako."

Kinutya niya kasi ako kahapon tungkol sa violent reactions ko sa mga ka-meeting namin, masyado raw akong obvious na naglu-loose comment, naiirita at nagtataray. Pinagtawanan pa niya ako nung nakita nila sa mukha ko na gulat na gulat sa mga nangyayari sa mga kaharap naming kung anu-ano ang pinag-uusapan. Paulit-ulit pa akong kinukutya. Nasabihan ko tuloy siyang "Ikaw na ang magaling, ikaw na ang maalam, ikaw na ang magaling makipag-usap!" Mukhang tinablan siya doon. Pero ang alam ko ayos na kami nung gabing yun habang lumilibot kami sa mall.

Magkaiba kasi ang values namin pagdating sa pakikitungo sa tao. Siya, masyadong diplomatic. Dapat maganda palagi ang maririnig sa 'yo ng tao. Ako naman, masyadong prangka. Mas totoo sa pandinig, mas tagos sa puso, mas maganda.

"Bakit, natatakot kang magtampo ako sa 'yo, na magalit ako sa 'yo?" tanong ko. Natahimik siya.

"Hindi, parang sumosobra na kasi ako, na parang palagi pinipilit ko na ako yung tama sa 'yo, na hindi naman dapat..."

"... Uy, sorry ha," sabi niya. Ako naman ang natahimik.

"Ang sa akin naman, maasar ako, mapipikon, pero at the end of the day, iisipin ko kung nagkamali nga ba ako," sabi ko. "Iniisip ko rin naman na may point ka, na kelangan magmellow rin ako sa mga kilos ko."

"Hindi ko rin naman kasi alam kung ako yung tama, o tama rin naman yung maging outspoken. Ayun... self righteous ba ako?"

"Self-absorbed." Pabiro kong sinagot.

Nagtuluy-tuloy pa nang kaunti ang aming usapan. Inungkat na naman namin yung pagmumura ko sa office, yung mga panahon na nasa field kami at ibang tao. Niyaya ko siyang kumain sa kung saan, pero busog daw siya, at sandali lang naman daw yung usap namin.

"Basta rest assured na I take your comments in a positive way, always. Minsan maasar ako, pero sandali lang yun. Alam mo rin naman kung napipikon na ako eh. Saka halata ka kaya kapag tinatantsa mo kung galit ako, tatanungin mo ako ng random questions..."

"Hindi naman tinatantsa, alam ko na napipikon ka, nag-aappease lang ako."

Hanggang sa nagkahiwalay na kami, yun na ang naaalala kong huling pinag-usapan namin.

Nagtext ako, "Salamat sa pagiging open at frank ha. Awkward lang pero sobrang naappreciate ko xa."

"Thanks din. aayos na ako. haha" reply niya.

Wala akong nakilalang taong napakatapat, napaka-sincere at napakalambing na makipag-usap sa aking ng ganoon. At tunay kong itinatangi ang pagkakataong ito, kahit "awkward."

Umiibig na naman ata talaga ako. Buwiset.

Makeover

2011-06-21T22:22:00.002+08:00

I think I became a better person these past few days.

I have recognized forgiveness and humility. I have forgiven people wholeheartedly and willingly have asked for forgiveness. I have also accepted my limitations as a person... that I can't have everything I want.

I have acknowledged personal space. I realize that I do not know every detail about my friends to sustain friendship and faithfulness.

I have understood jealousy and envy in theory and in practice. I have seen how friends get jealous and how it affects their lives. I myself have experienced jealousy, and realized that it's all about selfishness.

There are some things about my conversion that I can't explain in writing. Suffice it to say, I'm better.

I have set my new motto. If I can't be a good person today, I'll be a better person tomorrow.

Seclusion Perpetua

2010-10-18T23:52:00.005+08:00

(derived from reclusion perpetua, which means permanent imprisonment. But mine means perpetual seclusion from the world.)

"Next time na makita kita, graduate ka na, ha?"

That was the last words of the CPH dean from her sermon a while ago. A few hours before our small chat, someone called and informed me that the dean did not approve my request for MRR extension, that she left a note for me to read. I ditched my plan for today, headed to CPH right away and settled her demands.

"Hindi ko pipirmahan yang letter mo hangga't hindi ka magko-commit sa thesis mo."

This, on the other hand, was my thesis adviser's reprimand when I approached her last week to file for petition to extend my residency. After my adviser's "high mass," I called Ms. Jean of the Music Department right away to tell her that I was forced and thus will definitely take a leave for the whole semester. I reported back to my adviser and told her that all is settled. She immediately signed my papers.

I get it. I am haunted due to my negligence, extended up to seven years because of their mercy. I'm delinquent, and I won't get another chance. I deserve it.

I thought at first that I was a superman, that I could do anything I want, could multitask, could finish my thesis and continue teaching. But then I realized that the ball of the game is not in my hands anymore. I lost the power of choice when I started filing for petitions to extend my residency. Older and more powerful people are dictating what I should do. I'm losing liberty like going back to being a kid.

But a good friend told me that sometimes not having too much options is good. It gives you focus. It leads you to the right path. Another friend said God must have intervened.

So I packed my things in SIC and fulfilled my given word. I have relieved myself from duty to teach and participate in any musical activities, including the orchestra. I am detaching myself to most of what I used to do - and what I used to be - these part few years like having a life imprisonment sentence. Now I will spend the rest of my time in my small room, looking at this computer, squeezing my brains out until I accomplish my mission.

But now I am more focused on what's truly important - my future. And I am grateful that divine intervention took place in my favor.

What greater things can I achieve in this lifetime

2010-04-07T13:11:00.011+08:00

... than to have an incredible dream out of an inspiration from a special mentor...

... to make a crucial decision to fulfill that dream, which almost jeopardized my life's first theme...

... to tell my skeptic parents about this decision and make it really happen in front of their eyes...

... to sacrifice significant amounts of time, effort and resources just to make that dream come to life...

... to have friends along the way who share that common dream...

... to meet other great mentors in the process of learning how to achieve it...

... to sometimes face reality about my limitations and hindrances in fulfilling it...

... to break away from those obstacles and make miracles in the progress...

... to slowly evolve from an amateur pupil to an able musician...

... and finally to play the violin beautifully for the wedding of my first violin mentor as gratitude and tribute for the inspiration that she gave me, to be a violinist, right from the very beginning?

There's no other great thing that I can possibly achieve in this lifetime than to pay the graces back to the people I owe my impossible aspirations to...

... except perhaps for paying them forward to others who would aspire for impossible things the same way as I did.

A Sonnet I Wrote in November 2005

2010-03-01T14:26:00.003+08:00

This is a sonnet for my violin, who is my companion during the hardest times.

Lead me, love, from the hymn of solitude
To the music of departed shadows
As it begins with a humble prelude
Of whistles from the navel of sorrows.
Calm on my chest, you my cheek caresses
As my flowing tears deem you their shelter.
With dead leaves dancing, cold breeze embraces
Our warm bodies in the changing weather.
Must your kind soul hear my soliloquy?
Must you desert me under the full moon
While I let you hum your own tragedy?
But fate has brought us to this mellow tune.
Let heaven weep for our mournful anthem.
Sweetly we perform the lovers’ requiem.

Overfascinated with the Gaga

2010-02-08T19:00:00.005+08:00

I can't help it. I just have to spill it.

I love Lady Gaga.

Before, I told people that Lady Gaga might be a Filipina because "Gaga talaga siya!" when the music video of Just Dance was released and ruled the charts. Everybody knows that it's about wasting the night away with liquor or whatever depressants one might think of, a vice I removed from my system because of old age. But what's striking about the video is her freaky outfit. Enough said.

But I love her music nevertheless. In fact, it was Poker Face that comes to my mind when I remember my hops along the streets and subways of London with my cousins last spring.

But my fascination with Lady Gaga intensified these past few days just because I was browsing Youtube. I don't listen to the radio anymore so I have no updates on what songs are in now, but since I watched Bad Romance on Youtube, I have been singing and watching that same song over and over again for these past days.

I am absolutely impressed with her talent. Her packaging as a very good composer (or songwriter) and a total performer. She composed her own songs, and she always sings, dances and plays the piano live, no cheats. She also rearranges her upbeat Ga-ga songs into smooth acoustic ballads.

I am also amazed with how she answers interviews. I know, there are crazy sh*ts she says sometimes, but it's how she delivers her answers. She seems too smart and yet too modest for a pop star.

And then another video I saw in Youtube. This was Lady Gaga before "she became crazy."

Pure talent. No sh*ts.

Career Calamity 2010

2010-01-28T20:35:00.007+08:00

Let's see now...

I am currently working part time as a professor in Santa Isabel Music Department. I'm handling Statistics class for undergraduates and masters students, Measurement and Evaluation and Economics. Somehow, I have widened my horizon as a teacher as I improve my teaching methods in statistics while learning new subjects to teach. Good thing technology is better now in Santa Isabel.

I am also "rushing" my thesis work in MS Epidemiology. So far, my adviser has approved my topic. Next step: review of literature. It's still a long way to go. But in addition, I took two penalty courses this semester: Seminars in Epi and the dragging Evaluation Research. I could have taken easier subjects, but something told me that I needed them.

The Evaluation Research class is really something. Master and DrPH students were merged in this subject, so imagine the tension, not to mention that it is a UP class. I remember a case study report done by a DrPH classmate where a 2-paragraph case study was expanded into matrices in dozens of Powerpoint slides in the report. I thought it as an overkill, being somewhat simplistic as I am, but my classmates were intimidated by the sophistication of the report that elevated the standards in the succeeding reports! So much for intelectualizing simple things - a UP culture.

About my music career, I discontinued my Music study in favor of my Epi thesis. Although I already have a good background in music theory, I still have to continue eventually. So far I topped my music classes last semester, simply because my other classmates, who are also my current students this sem, were not very competitive. But despite my discontinuation, I experienced some good application of my rusted violin skills. Aside from the mall tours and simbang gabi last Christmas season, I had a couple of "harang," a wedding where I played with a few more violinists and a pianist, a concert for a cause violin performance in solo with keyboard accompaniment, and an on-the-spot accompaniment with flute and keyboard in a church concert in Navotas at Christmas Eve.

I also have accepted a few consulations, and still continue finalizing my outputs in some of my rackets. I was also able to direct a play (see previous post). But I am trying to limit my sidelines and try to focus on what is more important.

So that's my career status for now. I do not gain much financially, but it can wait. Besides, although I'm turning 28, I still look young and can still pay P6.00 in jeepneys, saying, "estudyante!"

The Best Yearstarter

2010-01-18T22:20:00.008+08:00

I never expected the feeling after is so heartwarming. At first I only wanted to get it over with, but when it ended, everything changed.

I was referring to directing a school musical play in Immaculate Heart of Mary College, Parañaque last January 8 and 9.

On a night just a few weeks before the play, I stepped into the school campus despite the heavy traffic just to spit the bad news - I wanted to quit as director. but the Franciscan sister who invited me to do the job pleaded to take my word back. That morning the same nun was nagging me to work on the script right away, plus the tickets and invitations. "That wasn't part of my job!" I ranted on everyone in Santa Isabel about my situation. "I was just invited to help them, not take all the burden!..."

But that was weeks ago, last year.

We only had a serious practice about a week before the play and everything was in a rush, almost close to impossible. The committee members, teachers, complained on the rush work and the kids were haphazardly memorizing their lines. I had to patch everything up in just days. I even had to give up everything I do for a week to do it once and for all.

I remember directing our high school class plays as interclass competition. My intentions of directing those plays were rather personal, as I wanted to prove that directing does not need badmouthing and nasty attitude, as what I experienced with a classmate who directed several plays himself. We didn't always get the gold, but I still made my point.

I was a teenager then. This time, I am an adult directing grade school pupils for a musical play. I definitely showed no nasty attitude nor badmouthing. I was more of a big brother to them, joining their silly game as their commander. But as the days passed, the game became serious. I became stricter as judgment day came.

All went well. Not only that, it went great. I heard the feedbacks were positive. But what has bearing was the perceivable success of the musical to me as the director. The kids were great.

Too bad I don't have the pics as proof at the moment.

I have a perennial disease of not saying NO to favors. This was one of them. As a new year's resolution, I included saying NO to any favor that will lose my focus to my priorities. But honestly, I'm very grateful that I didn't give this one up.

But if asked to direct another school play, I'd say NO.

Wipe Out

2009-10-05T11:39:00.003+08:00

This is the moment when part of my country was ravaged by calamity, my dear friends soon to lose their jobs and my father is at higher risk of disability, or death.

The feeling is just inexplicable. To simplify, it's depressing.

I was stranded in Santa Isabel when Ondoy struck Metro Manila, without electricity, without power. I had nothing heroic to do but to save the pianos in the music department, unknowing that outside was a greater disaster. Hundreds died and millions lost their property, their security.

Before Ondoy, I was told of the drastic climate change from where I worked. A lot of jobs will be lost in several health projects because of an alleged corruption, or misuse of fund, of one institution. I was also told how unstable the health system is when international funds offered absolute dependency and prematurely take their money away, leaving some but important health services paralyzed. But what bothers me is the loss of jobs, jobs that in the first place were never permanent. I could have been a bit happier since I resigned months ago, but the sympathy is undeniable. And now, all will seem to disappear just like that.

And then my father. He was recently diagnosed to have a major stroke, although he seems well until now. We only found out when a family friend noticed my father's slight worsening in speech over the phone. I wouldn't know it sooner had I not received a forwarded e-mail from my aunt in Geneva, showing the communication between her and her MD classmate about my father's condition. My father's stroke is mysterious; we weren't quite sure why and how it happened. My father is attacked without my knowledge, stabbing me and my profession at the back.

Moving on is not that easy for me, just like many of us now.

Three concerts in a week... and more

2009-09-15T15:03:00.006+08:00

Last week was one of the most musically exhausting, and this week is contending for the position.

On Monday last week, I bought a P300 worth of ticket for "3K: Tatlong Kompositor," only to find out after that my schoolmates hoarded a number of unused compli tickets - so much for waste of money. But I was really eager to watch that concert in PhilamLife Theatre because my choral arranging teacher, Dr. Buenaventura, was there and I wanted to find out if he really is "magaling" as what he is always boasting in our class. And indeed, his compositions were outstanding that night. It would have been a very fulfilling event if not for the 3-hour ordeal of listening to "other" different compositions, including a 30-minute yoga-ish meditation music with 3 movements (one movement was ecstatic, but three is literally mind-blowing) and a Katipunan-ish yelling performed through a play with bolo and such, much like a sarzuela excerpt of the Pugad Lawin. It was the first time that I walked out of a concert hall delirious, as if I had bottles of Red Horse grande in a bar. Hunger might be a factor, but the music definitely caused it.

Just when I had enough of weird music, I watched another concert at the CCP the night after. It was the 40th anniversary celebration of the CCP Foundation, so Imelda and "friends" were there (forgive my repetitive quoting). The first part was very good, Mahler performed by PPO under Yatco, except for the loud dripping of rainwater somewhere. Imagine, may butas ang bubong ng Nicanor Abelardo Hall, CCP's main theatre. Then the intermission was disturbed by Cayabyab's three-piano "plak-plak ching" contemporary music composition. My professor made a scene by approaching the poor performers and somewhat scolding them, a typical reaction of purists ;-). And when we came back for the second half, we were stuffed with other Ryan Cayabyab's music medleys, one with multi-dance numbers and the other with multi-genre singers, including Piolo Pascual as the special guest artist. The dances were okay, but the other one, the one with a Piolo Pascual, wasn't palatable. My professor commented that there was a murder in CCP, "Pucchini was murdered!", she said, referring to the medley where classical music (including Pucchini's La Boheme and Madame Butterfly) was tampered with pop-ista music (OPM's, rock music, etc.). The intent was good, but the outcome was unaccepted by critics. However, in all fairness, I wasn't sick when I got out of CCP.

On Thursday, I went to UP Diliman and looked for the College of Music after attending a frustrating session in choral arranging class. There, I watched UP Voice Ensemble and Santa Isabel College Singers fund-raising concert. It was good, to say the least. But I feel bad for my schoolmates who work so hard in that combo chorale, but not given much credit for it, not to mention working too hard but not effectively promoting the school (Santa Isabel, not UP). But again, it was okay.

I was supposed to watch CCP's "Seven Arts, One Imelda" on the Friday of that week, if only I had compli tickets but sadly, we ran out of luck. I heard that some protest about CCP giving Imelda a tribute, after all what the Marcoses had done to the country. But as what they say, despite of Imelda's dark background, she still is the founder of CCP, with all the thrust of promoting beauty and culture. And at least, Imelda patronized true artists, unlike now where anyone who did some art and is close to "the queen" can be a National Artist.

This week is different. The toxicity comes from the fiesta in the school - playing violin for mass here and there as the whole music department was obliged to serve the whole time. But now I'm benign, as what doctors say.

Dip me more in the drama, tragedy and politics of classical music, like what happened last week, and I might, just might, be more interested in getting a BM degree instead of finishing my MS.

Kidding.

Vow of Silence

2009-08-26T02:35:00.010+08:00

Just when you are about to move on, it keeps on coming back.

When you're loud, you blow things out of proportions. When you're silent, you let things die. And when you just utter a word once more, you raise the dead with a piercing blow on you.

Being judged without a fair trial is really horrible. People see you as a crazy misunderstood brat when you see and feel differently. It's unfair. Well, perhaps that is the price of being quiet in a corner, not wanting attention. For others, attention boosts their ego, but not for me. Attention means scandal, rumors against you, the cause of your humiliation.

I have attempted to learn the art of conversation, only to find out that it is best to keep quiet. Although I speak my mind from time to time, I know my limitations. I know that not everything that matters to me matters to the world. I have learned that lesson the hard way a long time ago, and it will be the last thing that I will forget. And for that, I do not express my emotions fully to the world.

And this time I will seal my lips to spare the world from my suffering. It will end here.

Tanggapin mo na lang ang katotohanang...

2009-08-24T23:46:00.006+08:00

... ikaw ay pangalawa lamang sa magkapatid, at kailanman ay hindi mo malalamangan ang iyong kuya sa lahat ng aspeto ng iyong buhay mag-anak...

... mahirap lang kayo at mayayaman ang iba mong mga kaibigan. Oo nga at nakakaraos kayo sa buhay, ngunit hindi mo mabigyan ng luho ang sarili mo, umaangal ka pa kapag hinihingi ng mga magulang mo ang iyong ambag sa bahay...

... hindi ikaw ang pinakamagaling - mapasa-high school, college, sa paper, sa public health, maging sa musika, hindi ikaw ang cream of the crop...

... hindi ka tunay na musikero. Kahit anong dalubhasa mo sa teyorya ng musika, ni minsan ay hindi ka naging magaling tumugtog ng kahit anong instrumento. Ni sa pag-awit ay hindi ka umasenso...

... tamad ka. Sabi nga ng mga amo mo noon, inefficient ka. Walang focus. Walang direksyon. Ni ang thesis mo hindi mo pa natatapos. Ngayon nga kung anu-ano pa ang ginagawa mo, alam mong marami kang dapat asikasuhin...

... nauubusan ka na ng kaibigan dahil sa anti-social propaganda mo. Sinasabi mo na hindi mo sila kailangan, pero alam mo na gabi-gabi mo silang iniisip. At ngayon, hindi ka mapakali kapag hindi ka na rin nila kinikibo...

... ni minsan ay hindi ka niya minahal, kahit ano pang pantasya ang ipasok mo sa utak mo na magiging kayo pa. Ni maging magkaibigan kayo ay malabo na rin mangyari iyon, kaya huwag ka nang talagang umasa...

... hindi mo siya kayang mahalin gaya nang inaasahan niyang pagmamahal na hangad niya mula sa iyo...

... talagang emotero ka, maarte, pikon, malambot, lalamya-lamya. Minsan pa, wala ka sa lugar kung umasta...

... hanggang diyan ka na lang talaga at hindi mo na mababago ang iyong sarili.

Pero tanggapin mo rin ang katotohanang...

... mas matalino ka sa kuya mo. Mas marami kang alam. Kahit ipamana pa ng mga magulang mo ang buong kayaman nila sa kuya mo, mabubuhay ka.

... kahit mahirap ka, marunong ka sa buhay. Hindi ka banidoso. Matipid ka. Ikaw na yata ang pinakakuripot na nilalang sa daigdig, bilangin mo na lang sa mga ginagastos mo sa araw-araw. Marunong kang makitungo sa mga tao, sa kliyente na pinagkakabuhayan mo ngayon. At sa hinaharap, marami ka pang maaring mapagkakakitaan.

... hindi nga ikaw ang pinakamagaling sa kahit isang aspeto, pero magaling ka sa lahat ng aspeto. Magtanong ka sa paligid mo.

... kaya ka nga gumagasta nang malaking halaga sa iyong tuition fee sa pag-aaral ng musika dahil iyon ang gusto mong mangyari sa sarili mo. Gusto mong maging tunay na musikero. Kaya kung ano pa ang sabihin nila na sa siyensya ka na lang, huwag mo silang pansinin. Gumasta ka na nang malaki, panindigan mo na yan.

... nakakatrabaho ka pa rin kahit tamad ka. Hindi man ikaw ang pinaka-efficient na tao sa daigdig, may kahulugan naman ang iyong mga ginagawa. Magaganda ang mga output mo. At hindi ka plastik, hindi ka nagtratrabaho para ma-please ang ibang tao, mga amo mo, kundi para makatapos ng magandang proyekto. Inuuna mo ang kalidad. At may nagsasabi na ang mga matatalino ay tamad, kaya tama lang yan.

... natural ang mawalan ng kaibigan. Hindi mo kailangan ng masyadong maraming BFF's, sapat na ang kung anong meron ka ngayon. Hindi mo kailangan ng fans club. Ika nga sa core values ng SIC, Simplicity, social commitment... (makaka-relate ang mga taga-SIC hehe). At sa mga kaibigan mong nawala sa iyo at sinasabing papansin ka, pahabol, patunayan mong wala ka na talagang balak pang mapansin pa.

... pinili mong maging mapag-isa sapagkat alam mo ang kahihinatnan ng may kabiyak ka. Kaya ka loser sa pag-ibig ay dahil kinundisyon mo na ang iyong sarili na hindi ka pinanganak para doon. At magaling kang magkondisyon ng sarili. Kung maalala mo ay ginusto mo nga magpari, hindi ba?

... emotero din ang mga tao sa paligid mo. Maaarte, mga pikon, kunwari matitigas pero malalambot. Nakuha mo lang ang ugaling yan sa kanila, at mas malala pa sila sa iyo.

... there is always room for improvement and change is inevitable. Ngayon lang yan.

Depresyon at Alta Presyon

2009-08-01T23:32:00.002+08:00

Kapag tinopak ka nga naman sa harap ng computer... maiisipan mong mag-blog sa gitna ng napakaraming dapat mong gawin.

Una sa lahat, nakikiramay ako sa pagkamatay ng dating Pangulong Corazon C. Aquino.

Dinalaw ako ng lungkot sa aking pag-iisip ngayong gabi. Malungkot hindi dahil single ako (at hindi ko na dapat pa sinasabi 'yon) kundi dahil tila walang patutunguhan ang mga pagsusumikap ko. Tungkol sa aking pag-aaral ng epidemyolohiya, naiinip na ako sa paghinihintay sa pahintulot ng isang batikang doktor na may-ari ng datos na aking gagamitin. Sa hanay naman ng musika, ramdam ko na wala akong silbing mag-aaral ng musika hangga't hindi ko ipagpatuloy ang pag-aaral ng byulin o piano. Malungkot dahil pakiramdam ko ay kahit anong seryoso ang aking gawin sa aking pag-aaral, tila hilaw ang aking mga natutunan.

Tila dumagdag sa bigat ng aking dibdib ang nalalapit na pag-alis ng aking dating guro sa byulin. Kahit hindi man niya sabihin kung kailan siya aalis, ramdam na namin na malapit na nga iyon, at sa bawat araw na inaantabay ko ang panahong iyon, lalong lumalabo ang hinagap ko sa kinabukasan ng SICCO. Ano na lang ang magiging kalagayan ko bilang isang miyembro ng SICCO? Kahit masakit ay naisip kong umalis na sa pangkat dahil hindi na umuusad ang aking kakayahan. Sa aking pasyang unahin munang tapusin ang kurso sa epidemyolohiya, Nabibinbin ang aking mithiing makausad sa aking musika.

At sa pagbigat ng aking dibdib sa siya namang pagbigat ng aking ulo, sa bawat buwan na lumipas ay lumalapit ang aking ama at nagbabadyang kailangan kong mag-ambag sa pantustos sa pang-araw-araw naming gastusin. Wala pa akong trabaho, at hindi pa ako dapat maghanap. Marahil ay nasindak ako sa aking karanasan sa dati kong pinasukan, na ayoko nang magpaalipin pa sa isang amo sa isang opisina. Ayoko na. Kahit na ako ay nakapagtapos ng kolehiyo, ayokong magtrabaho sa paraang gusto nila. At itong prinsipyong ito ang humahatak sa akin pababa, at humuhugot ng malaking halaga sa aking ipon sa bangko.

At sa gitna ng lahat ng ito, nagpapasalamat ako sa mga matatapat na kaibigang palaging nasa aking tabi, mapasa-PhilCAT man, CPH o SIC, o maging dati kong mga matalik na kaibigan, maraming salamat sa inyong suporta. Kahit mayroong bumabagabag sa akin, nagagawa ko pa ring gumising sa umaga at harapin ang mga pagsubok sa buhay.

Marahil ay kailangan ko muli ng konting pahinga.

Crazy-Genius

2009-07-10T10:47:00.003+08:00

Our music theory professor, Miss Celine Pil, told us that there's a thin line between genuis and "loka-loka." Wala lang. Gusto ko lang ibahagi. Nakatuwa hehehe.

I'm a full student this semester. Well, more specifically a part-time music BM/MA Music Education student with two overlapping Choral Arranging subjects, and a part-time supposedly-thesis-finishing MS Epidemiology student. Crazy-genius.

Last Saturday, the chamber had a formal internal audition for leadership. I intentionally failed it, knowing subconsciously that I should not dream of being a principal violinist – not yet. But I was depressed when I got the lowest score, with some thinking that I should leave behind my whims for a while and set things straight with my priority.

I know at the back of my head that I am not a full-fledged musician, because I study but not fully practice music. In our recent Choral Arranging class, Sister Emilita was stressing that everyone in the class is a good pianist, except for me, who has a “special talent” – a fusion of numbers and music daw. I was glad at one side, feeling special, but on the other hand I was frowning, frustrated to be a good performer may it be in violin or piano.

For that class, I was able to compose a 32-measure, five-four time signature Phrygian Canon with a major third (for non-music readers, I just composed something) but I could not play it in the piano, so I used Finale (a music composition software) to generate the music for me and saved it in my cell phone. The class was somewhat impressed, of course, for what I did was something innovative, since last week they had been trying very hard to play their compositions. But I think that they think that I somewhat cheated. True enough, so in the end everyone will be submitting a composition, played by the computer and saved as MP3. Neat.

But I admit that I will be lost without music. I would be drowning with boredom in my work in data and research, or would simply be satisfied admiring music at a distance, while toiling myself to a non-artistic work. I imagine that I could have lost my good ways and be too “liberal” or "cynical" about everything in life, had I not known music as I know it now.

So I’ll keep everything as it is, no matter how crazy-genius it is. I am used to being out of focus since college days, with Public Health and Journalism as dual concentration back then. It’s Epidemiology and Music now. I did it then so I will definitely surpass this now.

I know it’s a perennial issue for me, but believe me I was really getting crazier by the minute.

But I’m okay now. I have written the craziness down.

Back to Blogging

2009-06-23T02:25:00.002+08:00

It's been like centuries since I last wrote a post. Probably because for two months I've had a whirlwind ride into worlds I thought I'd never encounter. With divine grace, I was able to visit more than 10 cities or towns in 5 countries. In Europe.

I got wet in the Geneva Lake water jet and allowed snow from the Alps to get in my underwear and melt there.

I let an old Swiss (or French) man in the flee market shout at us in disdain without talking back.

I got lost in the Vatican Museums as price for venturing alone on the vast country (Vatican City is a country) taking megabytes of photos, allowed or prohibited. I also almost got lost while exploring the three buildings of the Louvre under time constraint.

I almost bowed down upon seeing the Notre Dame at night for the first time. Same goes with the interior of the Basilica di San Pietro.

I had the best quality time with my Mom, especially when we clashed in the Eiffel Tower simply because I wanted to go downstairs from the second floor to the base and she didn’t.

I incarcerated myself and brainstormed on my future “consultancy firm” during our stay in my Mom’s childhood friend in Bad Friedrichshall, Germany.

I interviewed German WWII survivors, with Tita Letty (Mom’s friend) as the interpreter.

I jammed with my first violin teacher in a park and in the office of Genetic Epidemiology in Goettingen, Germany.

I watched a UP Manila Chorale concert where my BSPH friend and a Manila Collegian friend were also there.

Most of all, I had the best time with my aunt, uncle and cousins, from whom I owe this blessing.

And now I’m back to reality without any regrets. Sure, I’m bombarded with a lot of duties and responsibilities. I have a masters thesis to finish, music subjects to complete, attend and pay for, a concert to catch up for, a household to contribute for expenses in – but now I can say that I have a far better outlook in life. More focused? Not really.

I can also say that I had a taste of the impossible, with 10GB of pictures and videos as proof.

Another True-to-Life Movie...

2009-03-20T01:33:00.003+08:00

... struck me, as any other life-moving stories did. Just when I was about to try to start working at 11:30 p.m., our TV downstairs was tuned to HBO, featuring "Freedom Writers," which tackles division and racism in an American classroom setting, and a teacher doing her job too well.

Whoah. Yun lang.

And it's too good to be true-to-life. I actually searched for the Freedom Writers Foundation and their book, the Freedom Writers Diary. It was there. It was true.

It struck me, well, because I share the same sentiments as a teacher, only Ms. Gruwell had worse. Racism and gangsters are not major problems in the country, well at least not in my small world. But division and distraction of students from personal lives that make them poor performers are issues here.

Ms. Gruwell's methods were unconventional, inefficient in resource use, but very effective in the long run. I want to be as good as her. Problem is, I'm not a literature teacher. I'm as statistics professor to music students. Nonetheless, she inspires me.

I remember the movie "Music of the Heart" with Meryl Streep - another depiction of a good teacher. And all I wanted to be was a good epidemiologist, and/or violinist.

Or maybe, just maybe, a teacher eventually.

Halukay Ube

2009-03-18T02:06:00.005+08:00

That's how an Isabelan friend described Sister Emelita's extraordinary sightreading powers. (Sightreading = playing/singing a musical piece while reading it for the first time). That's how I feel now. Halukay ube.

I'm in high spirits primarily because I'm out of my dreaded full-time work. Now, I have more time for myself and for setting my priorities straight. I'm also gratified for a lot of things that came this first quarter: SICCO's second Baroque concert, SIC Music Department's Baguio retreat, my approved Shengen and UK visa, opportunity to work with WHO, among others. But most of all, I am thrilled to prepare for the trip of my life - out of the country, to the womb of Western civilization.

But some things bother me a lot. First, I am now a bum, and I don't feel to have the capacity to set priorities. I still have a lot of things to work hard on - my masters thesis, to top them all. I am also burdened as a music student and statistics professor, taking and giving exams this week. And of course, my perennial problem with research consultancies, not to mention the pressure of delivering outputs well to WHO. I think I really am out of focus.

Aside from my cumbersome tasks, some inexplicable things disturb me - perhaps the anxiety about my future, again. Or this time, more of the future of those who are close to me.

The chamber will be left out with a new teacher in August, and I still haven't revived my intensive violin training (to think I was recently promoted to violin 1). I also don't know whether Sister Emelita is pleased with my performance as statistics professor this semester so she would allow me to continue teaching. But what's more bothering is everything changes in a blink of an eye in Santa Isabel, and a slight change means a lot not only to me but to everyone: the scholars, the students, me. So as I teach my students concepts of probability, chances of change are high, and the measure of consequences is unknown.

My former PhilCAT officemates would also be facing difficulties in the months to come, given the drastics changes in the office setup. Suffice it to say, they would be more overworked and less motivated. I couldn't care less even though I'm out, simply because I felt bad for them. I left partly because of the faulty system, and they should be out, too. So every now and then I still visit them in the office, just to say hello and listen to rants.

But what bothers me most is my own future. What will become of me? I just let things happen, go with the flow, decide on taking risks and stick to decisions. But some things are too overwhelming for me now. I am not only speaking of career choices, but of my personal future. And the mystery is distressing.

When I come back from where I will be going, what new world will I face?

Major Friend Problems

2009-01-02T01:22:00.005+08:00

I swallow the fact that I have problems in keeping my friends, old and new.

My mom mentioned about my childhood family balikbayan friends having "tampo" with me and my brother because of loss of communication and our lack of effort to see them on their visit here in the Philippines last year. I heard my mom talking to them a while ago but I was not called to greet them - looks obvious enough. This one, however, is rooted from sensitive family matters, so enough said.

I'm also having concerns with my associations with my past college friends. Responding to invitations to go out with them seemed too much of an effort for me. It would either be that I had no cellphone load to reply, I had so much work to do, or I simply didn't want to get out. This one, sadly, is partly rooted in another sensitive personal matter, so enough said.

High school reunions? Let's not even dwelve there.

I had a dinner with my music classmate and my teacher, discussing best friends. The talk went to asking me whether I have someone whom I can call "my only best friend," in its strictest sense. I said none. I don't believe that I marked someone on his/her forehead "Charvie's BFF" and vice versa. And even the derivative "best of friends" is not applicable to me. Don't get me wrong; I have close friends but of different origins. One considers me his best friend but has another best friend whom I had no prior relations with, so it doesn't count.

Speaking of close friends, I'm also having problems with that definition. I have no effort whatsoever to contact them, so if they don't call me, it's over.

What they don't understand is that this is becoming a chronic disease. My relationship with people are deteriorating right in front of me, and I'm not doing anything about it. I think I'm gracefully attaining the "anti-social enlightenment."

I can not blame my work that inhumanizes me, for others can do my job and hang out in between. I can not blame my family, who individually have their own social lives and doing well with them. I absolutely can't blame music, hell no! Music made me human through the recent years. Perhaps it's that book, Ayn Rand's "The Fountainhead" that molded me the way I am now.

I guess the song "Through the Years" by Kenny Rogers doesn't apply to me at all.

I think I'm too efficient in becoming so independent that I'm losing my need of friends.

It scares me. I don't wan't to be alone in the end.

Or do I?

I hate cleaning my room

2008-12-27T23:05:00.009+08:00

Burara kasi ako. It simply means my cage is too messy that cleaning it on my own would take at least 2 days to finish, no matter how small it is, with less than 3-single-bed floor capacity. My window is facing the polluted street of Sto. Tomas, so I could plant any rootcrop in my room after months of stagnation. And as I age, my trash multiplies and ages with me. What I hate the most is my unreasonably dragging attention to my trash.

Over the years, it has been my room-cleaning tradition to browse through my old and new trash for a very long time and judge whether to keep or discard them. This time, my trash included handouts from my college and masters classes, not to mention my college books and high school materials that I kept over the years, if not decades (They're trash in a sense that they're unorganized bulks of paper scattered all over my room). I remember every detail of what the materials remind me of - from Public Health subjects to our fieldwork report (that kicked asses by the way) to Epidemiology courses and outbreak investigation.

They were good memories so vivid that I started to smile. Actually, I was starting to forget that I was a public health worker and an aspiring epidemiologist, with all these grudges with my current work and my attention given to music as a course. Then this...

I also saw some newspapers from my grade school and high school years, but not college newspapers when I made good in journalism. Perhaps I intended not to keep them, sparing me from another cause of anguish.

All these remind me of my current status in life - free of choice. Before, I had to accomplish compelling requirements, such as finishing high school and landing on a good university. And my previous thinking was I must finish whatever course I took in college, then get a good job. I did all that. In fact, I have a good job now, only to find myself itching to get out of it, during the times of global crisis. In other words, I can do whatever I want with my life now, without boundaries.

Once I wanted to be a doctor, then an epidemiologist, now a musician. It made me sad. I feel that I am irrationally leaving a big part of who I wanted to be, wasting all my knowledge and skills I gained for a very long time, just like that. And aside from making myself a one-of-a-kind freak (a public health musician, who would have thought..?), it made me stay out of focus on my future.

I hate cleaning my room because it takes me back to the past, remembering and digesting what I have done over the recent years.

But still I'm cleaning, and will proceed in my day two - probably the last day.

Kung may katulong lang ako...

My Pre-Christmas '08 Experience...

2008-12-23T02:11:00.015+08:00

...was a bit crazy yet absolutely gratifying.

It was in our office Christmas party that I applied my skills in choral arranging for the first time. I arranged Don Moen's "Our Father" chorus part into four voices, upon my suggestion and my officemates' request.

Here is the original music from Youtube. Listen to the chorus:

Now here is my choral arrangement (with the help of Finale). This one has voice "oohs" to have a cool effect. Check this out:

I think this one, with choir "aahs", has clearer chords, so you can listen to the chord progressions:

Unfortunately, we weren't able to record the actual performance.

Aside from that, I had participated in the toxic activities of the school and the chamber. I joined the Santa Isabel College students sang and played for the simbang gabi at the PGH Chapel last Saturday. It was a bit weird for me as an alumnus of the campus, but the feeling was not that intense, since the colleges and the hospital are "physically" divided. And besides, no one whom I know in the campus was there, so it's only like being in "another church performance."

Also, I also joined the SICCO in our "mall tour" in the different SM branches: Sta. Rosa, North EDSA (I wasn't present here), Fairview and Megamall in three weeks time. The last one, in Megamall last Sunday, Dec. 21, was the best, although the time was a bit unfavorable because some of us were committed to perform in a simbang gabi with the Vox Angelicum in the Our Lady of Hope Parish a few hours after, at Monday dawn.

What's great about all these toxicities was the funny company of crazy musicians in the caravan. Ang saya, grabe! I might post pictures soon.

I was a bit guilty that I didn't prepare presents for people, and even not able to attend other social gatherings. But nah, I'm preoccupied enjoying to work my new crowd now, and we offer better gifts! Someday I will make up for all the shortcomings, perhaps I will include that in my New Year's resolutions.

So that's it for now. Merry Christmas everyone! And I mean everyone!

Watching a Youtube Video Gazillions of Times

2008-12-05T00:58:00.001+08:00

ANG GANDAAAAA!!!!

Second First Day as Professor

2008-11-18T03:55:00.015+08:00

No, you've read it right. It was my second first day last Saturday. Most classes officially started that day, so I'd say it was my first day too - second first day, that's correct.

And on my second first day, I have learned a lot as a "professor."

Lesson 1: Classes are unpredictable at first week, and the consequences never cease to surprise me.

After attending my dictation and theory classes (that switched schedules by the way), I was approached by a masters student, Sister Belen, who asked for the schedule of my Statistics class for masters. I was stunned by the idea, and upon approaching Ate Jean (Music Dept. Secretary) without saying anything, she told me right away, "Ay Charvs, may klase ka ng Stat sa masters, 11-12."

I didn't know I will handle masters students. And the students keep on coming. Last week was also a blow, finding out that my undergraduate class is a mixture of students with different courses, which is beyond my expectations.

Coming from the world of high predictability, I honestly appreciate these surprises, especially from Ate Jean. I also noticed that the faculty and students do not complain when mix-up surprises like these happen. Imagine riding on a horror roller coaster, where in between thriller loops, upon catching your breath, Ate Jean would pop up and surprise you, "May klase ka ng 11-12!" It's fun! And very therapeutic. You should try it!

Lesson 2: Isabelans are really eager students. They just need the right "bombardment."

With painstaking nights of preparation, I gave my undergraduate students their first Stat lesson, Charvie-modified CPH[1] style. Some say it's the Sta. Maria technique (Miss April, my masters prof in music), but I'd say it's Charvie-modified-CPH-ok-somewhat-Sta. Maria-fine!-style. But it's my unique style, as it was packaged for music students: smart enough but not too technical. And I realized that in my first formal class, regardless of their notoriety of being uninterested students, especially in GE[2] subjects, I was able to effectively teach them something that is out of their league, during the most unholy hour of the day (around 1-3 pm).

Enough said.

Lesson 3: Hidden communication network there uses optic fiber as medium: rumors (more appropriately referred to as feedback) in Santa Isabel spead like wildfire.

A few hours after my class, the dean talked to me upon meeting her along the corridor. "Magaling ka man daw," she said. When asked who told her, she replied "yung mga estudyante." Eventually, later that afternoon, a professor said the same thing. I found out that the rumor came only from one source - one of my students.

I keep on saying, "Sa unang araw lang po, Sister... Uy, hindi naman po." I was flattered, of course, but not to the point of being carried away, thinking that my competence can only be measured by my students' retention of my subject. And who knows, perhaps along the way, I might inspire some students, music and non-music alike, to pursue on quantitative research.

Next week will be my third first day. This time, it's for the masters students, so it means a new, perhaps a more profound, philosophical approach. Let's see what will happen.

Lesson 4: If you can teach Statistics to Isabelan music students effectively, then you can teach anything to anyone.

Let's keep it at that.

Footnotes:
[1] CPH = College of Public Health, UP Manila
[2] GE = General Education

First Class as a Professor

2008-11-10T07:25:00.017+08:00

I was overwhelmed by this first experience. It was simply unbelieveable.

Last Saturday, I started to teach Statistics on college students in Santa Isabel. I thought at first that I was going to handle music students only, but it turned out that there are college students with majors in English or Marketing. But in general, I know how my students behave, as most of them are music students, my classmates. And when it comes to general education subjects like Statistics, let's just say they are not the most enthusiastic students you'll ever have. And setting my class at 1-4 o'clock in the afternoon, let's just say it is not the most exciting class you'll ever attend.

Everyone whom I encountered in the music department almost teased me, "Sir!" aggravating my anxiety. People knew I was terribly nervous.

I was advised that I should start my class next week, but with 11 students, I started anyway. I didn't have any teaching materials nor course outline, but I had a topic: Introduction to Statistics. I knew what to teach, I knew how to deliver it, but I was shaking. There was a time I literally shook off my nervousness in front of the class. I had explained what Statistics is, what it is for, to the point of explaining descriptive and inferential stat. I also discussed my class rules and expectations, the likes.

As I kept on going, I felt more comfortable, more like confident, in "talking my thing" in front of them, sitting in an armchair like a student, but with a tone of a professor. It's like natural.

The feedback came in minutes after. My co-members in the chamber (they were 4 out of 11 in the class: Ate Virgie, Jenny, Ivan and Carlo) gave most of the feedback: it was okay, my explanation was clear, I wasn't boring, sometimes I get blocked, I was better than other teachers. But my only concern was whether the students understood and retained my lecture.

My self-evaluation: not good enough.

I was told that teaching Statistics (more specifically, Biostatistics) in my old school wasn't good anymore, and here I am, teaching in Santa Isabel. Well, my old school didn't want the likes of me; they wanted either Statistics major graduates or MDs with background in Epidemiology, so why bother? Good thing Miss April recommended and Sister Emelita approved my intention to teach, a privilege given only to a few students in Santa Isabel. I just hope my old professors like Dr. Borja would be proud of me.

I knew that eventually in my lifetime I will be a professor. My childhood ambitions included being a teacher (among others like being a doctor, a priest, a magician) came somewhat true. And if the feedback says I was okay, then I bet I'd be a hell better that the first time.

Most classes there do not use visual aids except for the black/whiteboard. So Ate Jean (SIC Music Dept. Secretary), please ready the monitor next week, for they will experence statistics --- the Powerpoint style!

They'd better learn from me.

DATADATADATA

2008-10-28T22:28:00.006+08:00

I am an epidemiologist. For those who do not know, an epidemiologist studies disease frequencies and their associations. I am also a statistician to some doctors. A statistician in research provides results from raw data. In effect, I am also a research consultant, who gives advice to researchers. But the great bulk of my work deals with processing data. You know, generating tables, interpreting them - the likes.

I forge data into meaningful information like a blacksmith forging useful tools from an ore. In the lifestyle I am in now, I feed on, breathe and live for data. When I wake up, the first thing I think of is what data will I process and to which doctor will I give them. My eight-hour job dictates that I process and verify our office data. When I go to sleep, I sigh thinking of what pending data I had left for the next day to process. To give you a picture, I was once entertaining about five doctors with different data sets in one day while in PhilCAT office with its own data that I had to work on. So imagine how my mind works when a doctor calls and discusses his research on a particular disease to me then another consults a completely different topic, one after another.

I was hungry for data at first, thinking that data were goldmine for researchers, wombs of scientific knowledge. I came to PhilCAT thinking that I might learn and find a good thesis topic from their data for me to graduate my masters. It turned out their data were insufficient, leaving me working for an organization (with a good cause but bad politics) without any direction for my future career as an epidemiologist.

I have come to a point that the ore I use can no longer be forged to tools, at least tools for my use. I had been working on different sets of data that seem to have no meaning to me anymore. I don't say I don't have perks for this racket, I mean, I get some monetary gains from this and I get to associate myself with doctors who think I'm smart. In humanitarian terms, I was able to help other people learn something from what they took effort to work on. But the fulfillment of personal discovery of truth for the contribution to humanity is what's lacking. I am not empowered to do my own research. Not here in my work. Not now.

So you see why I have issues when it comes to data. And somehow I see my degradation in my output because I'm burning out; to think I once dreamed of becoming the best epidemiologist of our time.

Next month, I will start teaching statistics to music students in Santa Isabel College. Now this is something new and quite challenging, for statistics seems to have no use to music students, or so they thought. I may be sick and tired of processing data, but not doing and teaching research.

But for now, I'll just hang on. Kaya ko pa naman.

A joke just came into me.

Data to death ito.

My New Sanctuary

2008-09-21T00:32:00.015+08:00

It has been our (my SICCO friends' and my) habit to pay homage to Luneta right in front of Santa Isabel College on Saturday nights. Even though our fingers and toes are shaking because of the school's toxicity, we find comfort at the toes of Mayor Lim (Did I mention Mayor Lim? I meant Lapu-Lapu, who looks like Mayor Lim.).

Here he is. He would look more mysterious in the dark.

Luneta is best experienced at night, with all the lights and the cool breeze from the bay. What's also good about "Our Haven" is that Lord Lapu-Lapu doesn't mind some vices like smoking in his presence, so you get the picture.

But what I love about our pilgrimage is being with my Isabelan friends. It's good to release body tensions with schoolmates, no matter how weird we individually are. We would bring out our violins and play, chat about rumors in and out of the school (sometimes our secrets), and sometimes taking chances on maggots in taho from vendors in the dark. We had a friend whom we thought was vomiting, jokingly suspicious of pregnancy, only to find out that she bit a maggot from the taho that we bought. By that time, I had fully ingested mine.

I knew long ago that music is the most honest profession, and that musicians are true to their craft and to themselves.

Despite my hectic schedule - office work from Mondays to Fridays and music classes and rehearsals on Saturdays - at the end of the week, I, together with my Isabelan family, find peace in the shelter of Lapu-Lapu while the rest of humanity spend their time elsewhere.

So you know where to find me on my Sabado nights.

Take a Chance on the Unconventional

2008-07-13T22:42:00.005+08:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about my short-term plans for my career. Well, I'm planning to resign next year. I'm only looking forward to the Christmas bonus that waiting my resignation will be that long.

Why will I resign?

My primary objective is to finish my masters thesis in Epidemiology - to finish what I have started in the past. To do that, I'd have to resign from my current job and work on it full-time. I've talked to my uncle about my initial thesis proposal, and he rejected it and proposed a study on virgin coconut oil on multiple-drug resistant (MDR) TB patients. I am not quite confident about the proposal; it is rather unconventional for an epidemiology student to have an experimental study for a thesis. But once I prepared a good methodology and got a good data on this, it would be a major breakthrough in alternative medicine, but not really in epidemiology. (Halt! Among my few readers, nobody cares. So let's move on.)

My other and more important objective is after I finish my masters, I will be able to close the book and start a new one by taking a full time study in Sta. Isabel. I do not know if this is a safe move because I will not be able to earn money as I have been earning today. But if I do this, I will be investing on my musical potential, a move that is unconventional for a science graduate. After the internal SIC-SICCO issues I've heard about these past few months, I feel the need to be there more often than now, to secure some things. In other words, I want to partake in the musico-academic politics in Sta. Isabel and the classical music industry, to preserve some things that are important to me: the chamber and my friends there.

I know what my friends would think of me now. They would say I'm a bit crazy in deciding to abandon a career that has a full potential and financial stability over a career that has neither of the two. I, however, do not wish to abandon anything. I only want to take a chance on enhancing my musical skills, which will take up most of my time to be able to make it. And besides, I am old, and I have a lot of catching up to do as far as practicing violin is concerned.

I somehow do not want to stay long in public health anymore, for the politics is overwhelming. I somehow do not want to dwelve in a doctor-dominated field, where they nag you and order around what you must do. I am sick and tired of the academic politics I have been hearing in my previous school, that I wanted to abandon everything that I can remember about it. And worst of all, I vomit on my statistical services to the resident doctors who do not appreciate research but ask me to do all the work. This retreat from my previous world gives me a fresh start, and I never felt more free anywhere else than in music.

Reminiscing my past, I think I have been silenced by my traumatic experience with music in my grade school days with a music teacher in San Beda, who lashed me down upon my request to leave his school-based boy's choir. I subconsciously avoided anything that involve music, including touching a piano or participating in any musical activities. But somehow on my way to college and even after, I have been with music. If not appreciating it from a distance, I somehow got involved in friendly and short-lived choir participations. It was until in my masters days that I fell in love with music big time that I'd have to leave anything else for it.

I remember my aunt in Geneva discouraging me to pursue music as a profession, citing her niece-in law who was a Summa cum Laude BM graduate in Ateneo Conservatory but felt defeat in Juilliard as she was categorized among the "other" ordinary students. But I do not wish to be the cream of the crop. I just want to be a good musician and a good music teacher, with a vision to alleviate the country's status through musical or cultural stimulation.

This is quite ambitious for someone like me, but hey, what are we here for in the first place? We make a difference, that's what.

So I'm taking chance on music. Sometime in the future, I may miss being a health worker and epidemiologist, but it's worth it.

I can't wait.

A Message from the Heavens

2008-07-02T00:16:00.007+08:00

I broke Carlo's violin "Ram" (it stands for "Hiram;" I borrowed Carlo's violin; Carlo is the SICCO concertmaster) and lost 3 of my 4 P1.5k worth of strings all in two days: last Sunday and Monday.

The disaster occurred after our mass performance in Sts. Peter and John Parish in Malabon. I left Ram in its case, open, on the church's floor, only to move a few steps to light a candle and make a wish to the Virgin Mary, then when I turned back, a heavy wooden music stand was on Ram, with the G string cut, and one f-hole cracked. As what I was told, a tall microphone stand was accidentally bumped, then it stumbled onto the heavy wooden (I have to stress this) music stand, which in turn crashed over the helpless violin, just when I was praying a few steps away.

Carlo was upset, of course, and made loud guilt-tripping jokes on me before leaving the church. He was quite effective... I got quite furious.

I tried to repair the violin. A few adjustments and the wood seemed to have no cracks, just bruise.

But to make matters worse, I was tuning the strings when the E and A strings were busted last Monday. In anguish, I went to the far-flung Mall of Asia to buy a new set of P1.5k worth of strings. "Kashing! Kashing!" I was advised not to use these strings, not just yet. Perhaps after a few months.

Just when I was wishing to the heavens prosperity to the orchestra, God struck my instrument.

A Little Feel of Efforts Paying Off

2008-06-15T01:02:00.007+08:00

At the start of our chamber rehearsal a while ago, I was very anxious for three reasons:

1) The concertmaster and the principal members were out with other engagements, leaving only a few "leftovers" - us;
2) I became the violin 2 principal violinist; and
3) We were to practice a Tchaikovsky serenade - for the first time.

I thought that the chamber would become a slaughterhouse. Well, some of us were "lashed," but as far as violin 2 is concerned, we were spared.

Did I do a good job? I didn't know until we had dinner outside as Sir Cris commended my drastic improvement. "Hindi sya makapaniwalang makakatugtog sya ng gano'n," Sir Cris added, and lightly told how we quarreled during my last violin lessons with him (more than a year from now) and how he suggested that I look for another teacher. "Ang galing mo, Charvie!" I also heard from Peter, a member from violin 1 who took a moment to observe us violin 2 during the rehearsal (he was a principal, and came late together with the others). But I just smirked and kept quiet, thinking of it as a mere flattery.

It must be the violin I borrowed from Carlo, the concertmaster. It must be the music classes I attended for the past months, or the affinity to music that is induced by these classes. It must be Sir Cris' benevolent gesture of pounding us really hard to improve. Whatever it is, it paid off. For centuries, I have never heard people complimenting my violin playing.

Perhaps it was because of the piece.

By the way, the serenade, when performed perfectly, would sound like this:

Serenade for Strings in C major, Op. 48: I. Pezzo in forma di Sonatina: Andante non troppo
Serenade for Strings: I. Pezzo in forma di sonatina - Yuri Simonov

A Journey to Baroque Music: SICCO @ BDO Excerpts

2008-06-09T02:58:00.005+08:00

The following are the excerpts of the Santa Isabel College Chamber Orchestra's first formal Concert on May 23, 2008 entitled, "A Journey to Baroque Music."

Solomon, HWV 67, Act III: Sinfonia, "Arrival of the Queen of

Sheba

"
... G. F. Handel, Arr. Hindson

Violin Concerto in A minor, Op. 3, No. 6, RV 356 ... A. Vivaldi
III. Presto ... Jericho Tabirao, violinist

Overture (Suite) No. 3 in D major, BWV 1068: II. Air, "Air on the G String"
... J.S. Bach

Recibid: Hymn to Sto. Cristo del Tesoro ... Santa Isabel College

Source: Youtube, Jericho Tabirao's brother's uploaded video clips

With the Angelic Voices

2008-06-01T23:52:00.007+08:00

Here is a video clip of our small performance with the Vox Angelicum Choir in the Our Lady of Hope Parish, located behing SM North EDSA. I am the violinist in the right who was covered with a music stand. You may not see me very well, but somehow you can see me move.

The piece was entitled "I Am." The Vox Angelicum Choir is under Ms. April Sta. Maria, my music teacher in Santa Isabel College. We, some members of the chamber, were invited to play for them during their fiesta to make their singing fuller. This was on May 17 this year.

Ang saya ano? Hehe.

The Best Turn of Events in One Day

2008-05-25T00:07:00.014+08:00

I assumed that this year, the Year of the Rat, would be a very speedy year for all of us. In my case, it really is.

On May 23, The Santa Isabel College Chamber Orchestra held its first formal concert. The preparations for this event were quite hectic, including my daily attendance in the chamber's rehearsals, not to mention my pro bono designing of the poster and programme, which by the way was highly praised by everyone (sorry to brag ^^). Although there were bloopers along the way, I can say that the concert was a success for we were able to earn from donations more than what we had spent. As Sister Emilita said, what's important was that we perform beautifully, in which, I can say, we did.

This is the peak of the chamber's success. The chamber has contributed so much in promoting the school, just by counting the number of new Music students who enrolled this year, myself included. The chamber has also been increasing in number and has been improving in a span of a year. As for me, I have learned a lot about the workings of an orchestra and music itself. This has been a very fruitful event despite the obstacles we've been facing.

Some of my friends - officemates, past consultants such as Dr. Erlyn Sana and Dr. Mitch Majini - were in the concert. Although only a few seats were filled in the BDO hall, the applauses were quite loud. However, my family wasn't there.

They were anticipating the birth of my first nephew, Joachim. He was born two hours after our concert finished.

After the concert, I went to Manila Doctor's Hospital to see how the baby and his mom were doing. They were both great, and he is wonderful.

It turns out that after a week of hard work and perseverance, I have earned a very remarkable reward, not only in my musical career but also in my family.

In the programme, I wrote "[We] would like to thank the Almighty for the Gift of Music and Friendship."

I would now like to include the Gift of Life.

Do you know how to advertise your own concert?

2008-05-19T10:56:00.007+08:00

This is one way of doing it.

See you there!

Missed Half of a Lifetime

2008-05-12T02:42:00.005+08:00

Last Saturday, the chamber had a concert in Laguna at 8 pm, but the call time was 8 am. Unfortunately, I had a class on Theory in Sta. Isabel at 7:30 am and supposedly on Historical Survey at 10 am so I said to Sir Cris I couldn't come. Just when I was in the middle of my Theory class around 8:30 am, Ms. April sent a text message saying we wouldn't have a class on Historical Survey. The chamber's bus going to Laguna left at that time.

I felt so left out. It was more than 12 hours of bonding with the chamber, but I missed it. The whole day was spent on regret and remorse that I wasn't able to join them. I also regret that I didn't make any effort to catch them up on their way to Laguna. Sayang talaga.

These are the moments that I am so driven by my emotions, that I do not want to do anything because I am down. And sometimes, I fantasize about what could have been my life now had I taken not Public Health but Music. My income would not be that stable, but at least I love what I do.

I remember the days when I was making career choices before going to college, and Music has never been one of them. I only rekindled my passion to music when I saw a violin in my professor's office, and this was in my postgraduate study. I had made a decision to spend some of my time to learning how to play the violin, and now to spend more time to learn music itself.

In the office, frequent taking of leave became an issue, and I was affected since I took several leaves a few weeks back due to chamber activities, aside from the fact that I was trying to have a retreat from the office chaos and politics. There was a time that I was furious about suspending our raise because of "frequent absences and tradinesses" of many among our batch, to the point of giving an impression that I was too harsh on unleashing lose comments. For that, I had to watch over my absences and be punctual everyday. This includes not attending chamber rehearsals on a weekday.

I am glad that Mr. Macazo was not strict on me on attending rehearsals, for he knows that some of us are part-time music students who have a full time job. But I can not allow myself to be just a saling pusa to any of the chamber's activities. Somehow I want to excel in the group and promote myself from an amateur student to at least an average violinist.

I have lost my social life in the process of struggling to balance my work and my enthusiasm to music. Somewhere in the long run, I may come up with a decision to completely give up one for the other. And I am afraid that giving up my work is a more palatable decision.

People in the world face more overwhelming problems. In this country, basic needs is more important to an individual or to a family. I feel somewhat more fortunate that my problem only encompasses what career to take. Somehow I envy people who, in the midst of their problems, are determined and focused to strive and become succesful in their chosen careers. I, for one, can not excel in one profession if I am not focused to it.

I realized that my batchmates in college who took up medicine are now MDs. I, on the other hand, am working like a dog in an organization where the seniors think that I am not performing well. I haven't even finished my masters degree. If I choose to become a full-time musician, I would start from scratch.

Now I realize what retreats are and why we did them in our high school days. I need one now.

I somehow wanted to turn back time when I was a student, at least there I had summer vacations.

No pressure to work for difficult bosses.

No monetary worries.

With big dreams.

Imagine how I react when I miss one chamber performance.

It's Just One of Those Days...

2008-05-06T01:23:00.002+08:00

... that I couldn't sleep.

I am so burnt out with my work, I want to quit.

No... I want to retire.

Information Overload

2008-04-24T09:13:00.001+08:00

Last week has been very intellectually overwhelming for me.

Imagine yourself in front of two time portals: one transports you to the conventional past while the other leads you to the far-reaching future. If you were a scholar, where will you first go to discover things unknown to you?

I am currently enrolled in two subjects of almost the same contents but of different perspectives: Music Theory on Thursdays where my teacher is Sister Emelita, a traditional type of educator, and Historical Survey on Satudays under Ms. April Sta. Maria, a liberal one.

To give you an example, both of them asked us to define music. To Sister Em (as how we call her), music is an organization of sounds of silences that is pleasing to the ears and delivers a message. On the other hand, Ms. April modified this definition by stating that music, as I recall, is a combination of sounds and silences that appeals to the senses OR the intellect. There might only be a slight difference, but the point is, the liberal thought suggests that music does not have to be regular or pleasing to the ears, as long at it has a message, as Ms. Sta. Maria always gives contemporary music as an example.

Moreover, we were only starting to review the different elements of music with Sister Elemita last Thursday when while Ms. Sta. Maria introduced that some of the elements will be lost in the contemporary music.

What I like about both them is that I can get two different points of view when it comes to music theory, which is good for any discipline. However, for a student who has only started learning or re-learning music, this is somewhat frustrating. I, for one, am only learning how to play the violin, a classical music instrument, and a member of an orchestra that always plays baroque music. I can not grasp all the advanced concepts of music when I’m only a beginner.

I asked Ms. April about her comment on one needs to be good at the classical or conventional before going to the liberal or modern aspect of music. She said that it may be good for other disciplines, like visual arts, but in music one has to be open-minded at the start. Although I am somewhat accustomed to the conventional mode of learning, I agree.

So what was your answer on the question above? In my case, I would split myself into two and experience both worlds at the same time – as what I am doing now.

Tick... tock... tick... tock... BOOM.

Career Calamity, Book II Part I

2008-04-07T18:07:00.012+08:00

Last week, I had a conversation with Sister Emelita, Chair of Sta. Isabel College Music Department, while I was processing my enrollment form in Sta. Isabel. I told her that I'm taking up masters in epidemiology in UPM, with thesis as my only requirement for completion, and that I will take up master subjects in music in Sta. Isabel this summer. She asked me if I'm now giving up public health for love of music.

"...I am torn between two lovers," I replied.

Perhaps I'm too pissed off with my public health career now that I'm considering music as my sanctuary. In the office, I was given a task to conduct a research with someone else's proposal, someone whom I don't want to work with. There was a slight impression that beside the fact that I'm underpaid for my work, I am being used of my skills by undeserving people. But I think this is a bit overboard, that I need to think this over and improve my framework on this to a more positive one. But I want to stress that this is mixed with the pending research consultancies with different doctors outside the office. I think I'm burning out.

But when I come to chamber rehearsals, I feel so much relieved.

Last week, Monday, the chamber played during a 7:30 a.m mass in Sta. Isabel. I was there, gratified and calm. After which, we had a rehearsal and lunch together. I took a sick leave that day, deciding not to go to work anymore. Something is repelling me from work or attracting me to the chamber that day.

To make matters more complicated, on that same day, Sister Emelita mentioned in our conversation that I may avail for scholarship for my violin lessons with Mr. Macazo. I stopped attending lessons with my violin teacher because one, it's expensive and two, I can't give my full time with music, with my pending thesis and PhilCAT work in mind. But now that I can take violin lessons for free, I'm leaning towards embracing my teacher, perfecting my skills.

A few weeks ago, Miss April Sta. Maria, my Philippine Music teacher, offered us a job at Naxos as music analyst, where I can be qualified should I take up her master subjects. I was very much tempted to accept the offer, only that I already have public health as my career. I was too envious with those who said yes, and I was stumping my feet, regretting why I didn't take up music in the first place, for I could have taken the offer and enjoyed working.

And of course, my moment with the chamber is always priceless. A while ago, we were playing musical pieces that we performed in the past. We were only about less than ten people, without our teacher, jamming with the old pieces quite smoothly. I realized that we have improved a lot and become very independent since last year when we were first assembled. It only proved that I, together with my fellow musicians, gracefully grew up. And in a few more years, we can become great.

However, I still have good reasons to continue my public health work. A few weeks ago, I had a meeting with Dr. Maridel Borja, my thesis adviser, whom I handpicked for our training in our department in PhilCAT. Somehow, I remember why I took up epidemiology when I'm with her. As I received her resume for her service contract, the vision became more vivid - I want to be just like her, with all her achievements. Somehow my love for health research and public health service remains intact despite everything. I believe that God allowed me to take this course to have a heart and a mind of a public health worker, and to be one of the best epidemiologists.

We, my officemates and I, had a seminar on self-leadership last week held during our summer outing in Batangas. When asked who is my model leader, I answered Antonio Vivaldi, a musician. When asked what thing best describes me now, I answered a violin. But when asked to draw my life goal, I drew a school, with a caption, "My school of public health is open to cater quality education for Filipinos - 2030."

And yet the picture of my final days, my retirement dream, is playing a violin with a sweet tune in a park.

So you have an idea how torn I still am.

Randomized analysis

2008-03-31T01:22:00.008+08:00

I have been contemplating on things right now. Some of the clear realizations I have come up with are the following:

A lot of people look for issues and wonder why they have issues.

People become too dependent to a lot of people when they can not depend on themselves.

Politics is inevitably everywhere: at school, in the office, even in research and music. So deal with politics effectively.

Most people have a wide blind area (johari window) and many people around them do not give a damn.

Friendship is highly dependent on the quality time spent with each other and the contribution to each other's values and character. But this is not always the case.

You have to do some things you don't want to do, for the sake of duty and reputation. Likewise, You have to avoid things you want to do for the same reason.

A mentor is someone who effortlessly reminds you of your ambitions and purpose. In my case, I have two: my thesis adviser and my violin teacher.

The real challenge in work is not only accomplishment, but accomplishment with an intact spirit.

As long as there are values, there is always discrimination.

There is no such thing as perfect partner.

Long life does not mean happy life.

There are a lot of things that should be left undiscovered.

Civility is tolerance.

Always assume people as smart unless objectively proven otherwise.

Servitude has rewards. One can not be a master unless he was a pupil.

If something is not satisfactory, charge it to experience.

Loneliness is good. It makes you independent.

Tragedy defines a man.

You can sense when it is over. If not, slap your face.

What day is today?

2008-03-13T20:23:00.006+08:00

It's my birthday.

I went to San Pablo, Laguna with Cocoy and my boss Sir Leydo to visit a PPMD unit. I bought buko pies for my officemates ang my family, to feel somehow that today is a special day. People greeted me, through text message or in my face, to remind me that.

But I do not feel special today.

I do not know exactly when I stopped celebrating my birthday. I only think, or have set my mind eversince, that I don't do it.

I'll probably surf the net and waste the night just like any ordinary day.

I'll probably pick up my violin and play a hardly sweet tune.

But thank you to those who remember. I'm glad that people around me celebrate birthdays as they celebrate mine today.

Perhaps birthdays are for social, not personal, purposes.

Coffeepot

2008-02-11T02:16:00.000+08:00

There was a time during my second year high school days that we were tasked to write a formal theme entitled "Coffeepot," where we think of a noun as a topic, write a paper about it, then substitute "coffeepot" each time we use that noun. Let's try it now.

It's been hours since I should have been sleeping. It's been days since I should have done all my work, in the office and out. But until now, I'm still awake, unfinished with the tasks passed to me.

And all I can think of is this coffeepot.

This coffeepot is very special to me and to everyone else. It was nice-looking and fun to be with. We became good friends and spent great times together. I shared its sentiments over matters and even comforted it when needed. I did not actually measure the parameters of our friendship, but as far as I know, I became an outstanding friend to the coffeepot, to the point that I swore never to leave it no matter what.

This coffeepot had been the source of my happiness until we drifted away. There was a period that our friendship, if that's what they call it, died out. It was a slow process. We had an argument over a simple thing, and from there we started drifting apart.

I realized that I wasn't that important to the coffeepot as it was to me. And with that, I did not bother to mend the cracks.

It has been years since I haven't seen this coffeepot. And it was, in my point of view, on purpose. Even if the coffeepot calls my attention just to hang out with friends, I refuse to come. I had been using all my faculties to avoid anything that reminds me of the coffeepot to protect myself. Because whenever I remember it, I feel remorse and dissapointment.

We can not bring back what is over, and I have accepted that fact eversince.

Did I ever fall in love with the coffeepot? Yes.

Do I still have feelings for the coffeepot? I don't know.

Perhaps.

Apocalyptic Visions

2007-12-31T04:04:00.000+08:00

I had two disturbing dreams...

The first one was a week before Christmas, where I dreamt that I was in a city torn by multiple attacks of high tsunamis, meteors and boulders rising from a distance and forming a trajectory towards the buildings. I was there, struggling and stunned by the weird forces of nature. Everything was vivid: from the roads that I pass through, to the buildings that I enter, the elevations I climb to keep away from the great flood, the people whom I recognize. I see the road swiftly crashed by small meteors by 4 seconds interval as a meteor hit a jeepney filled with people - there were casualties. I remember running into a building as boulders hit it. I saw by the sea the huge hole where the boulders come from. Somehow I was convinced it was true, that people in my dream told me that I wasn't dreaming. I was looking for my family and friends, and assumed they were fine.

I told my officemates my first dream. We browsed the net and looked for interpretaions. One website said, "To dream of the apocalypse signifies an emotional and dramatic change taken place within. The dream may also indicate the end of one kind of lifestyle and the beginning of another."

The other one was after Christmas, where the most remarkable scene was that I see a row of people kneeling down and beheaded simultaneously. According to the interpretation, "To dream that you or someone else is being beheaded signifies poor judgment or a bad decision that you have made and regretted."

I do not know whether I should believe in these interpretations. But looking at it, they may be true. But still, I believe there is something more about those dreams.

I am anxious about the third that I haven't encountered yet, together with the next coming vividly disturbing dreams

Sarap Maging Musikero Kapag Pasko

2007-12-24T02:47:00.000+08:00

Yeah, that's right. ^^

The things I miss during the Christmas season were the CPH days when we build the lantern and designing the facade. I even missed the parade this season.

But what I'm so happy about this time is enjoying Christmas as a musician. I only listen to Christmas carols before, but now I play them with a group. I remember 2 years ago I was only watching the PPO and the San Miguel Philharmonic Orchestra perform Christmas music, but last December 12, I performed with the SICCO. Dr. Dayrit was there, and he enjoyed it.

Last Saturday. December 22, we played with the Vox Angelicum in the Our Lady of Hope Parish (behind SM West) under Ms. April Sta. Maria. It took me only almost 1 hour of sleep preparing for the event. Pero naman, winner pa rin wahehe.

One thing is for sure: sarap ng Pasko sa musikero hehe.

Magkakapamangkin na ako!

2007-11-16T01:36:00.000+08:00

It was Jeunessa, my sister-in-law-to-be, and Omar, my brother, who broke the news.

Jeunessa: Omar, what can you say about this blouse?
Omar: Tanunigin mo si Jay.
Me: (Lifting an eyebrow) Well, mukha syang pang-80's. At bakit may garter? And you bought 2 blouses with the same style!
Omar: Pambuntis yan.
Me: ... ha?
Jeunessa: I'm pregnant!
Me: Huh?
Jeunessa: Ay, ayaw maniwala... (bringing out the ultrasound result and two pregnancy test kits showing positive results) ayan... I'm pregnant!
Me: What are you doing??? (Still startled)
Omar: We're telling you, she's pregnant!
Jeunessa: We're going to have a baby!
Me: Whaaat!?

A few minutes after, Miah, my close friend in high school, called and I started spilling that my brother is going to have a baby.

Miah: Uy exciting yan! Syeeet Oscar, kelan ang kasal?
Me: Hindi ko nga alam eh...
Miah: Kelangan paghandaan yan, engrandeng kasal dapat! Naku Oscar I'm so happy for you! (Parang ako yung magkakaanak!) Kelangan tumugtog ka sa kasal nila! Dalhin mo yung buong orchestra!

Even our online game friends, or SD (Supreme Destiny) friends, were surprised by the news.

Me: Magkakapamangkin na ako!
Mafy: yung totoong Jeunessa? (my brother's character was named after his girlfriend)
Me: Oo!
Mafy: Uy nice!
Me: Kung papayagan ng nanay niya, gagawin ko syang prodigy ng violin or piano hehehe.

I even told my officemates about it.

Ana: Naku, Charvie, mauubos ang sweldo mo nyan sa kakabili ng pasalubong sa pamangkin mo!
Me: Oo nga eh.
Elayne: Uy, si Charvie, magkakababy na, AYIII! (Again, parang ako yung magkakaanak)
Me: Gaga.
Mama Haze: Naku, may manggugulo na dito sa office, ang lapit pa naman ng bahay nyo.
Ana: Oo nga, tapos tuturuan mo ng Epi Info (the stat program used in the office)

After all the news spreading and happy greetings, The idea that I'm indeed going to have a nephew/niece after eight months slowly sank into me. And for once, I eventually became just as excited as Miah when his brother had his first child. Exciting nga pala! I have been carrying babies in my arms every now and then, but this will be different. It will be close to having my own child. Definitely, it would mean drastic changes in the house, provided that the couple will stay here. And most significantly, it will change my life forever.

I have been fantasizing about the future with my pamangkin. When I buy groceries, about one third will probably be for the baby. When I get home every night, I will embrace and play with the baby like a doll. When he/she gets older, I will accompany him/her to Sta. Isabel on Saturdays where he/she will have his/her violin lessons with my teacher or piano lessons with the Music Department Chair, a beloved sister of goodwill. When he gets a bit older, I might tutor him/her on his/her school assignments, or not, assuming that he/she'll be smart. In other words, in the future, whatever I do, a big part of it will be with and for my pamangkin.

I remember my close friend in BS Public Health that her plans for her future is to be in a compund where her relatives, especially her nieces and nephews, reside. She has no plans whatsoever to leave the country and excel in her field abroad. Now, I get her point.

It seems that I will stay here for a longer time --- not for myself, but for my pamangkin.

Office Rash

2007-11-02T03:14:00.000+08:00

I, together with three of my officemates, were called by our big boss. She scolded us for storing gigabytes of movie files, personal files, in our hard drives, assuming that we were watching them all the time and being negligent in our work. The HR provided printed screenshots showing the folders where we kept our files.

"I am very dissapointed in you, lalo ka na Charvie, mataas pa naman ang expectations ko sa yo!"

I crippled.

I have been called by my big boss twice. The first time was because I saved a folder of wallpaper pictures in the shared network folder. And the second time, this time, because I stored movie files in my hard drive. And for that, I've been so disappointing to my boss. I, of all people in my office who, most of them, listen to music, view personal pictures, watch movies and even play computer games, was pointed at by the HR twice for being unprofessional by storing files in my computer.

At first, I was silent, but when I felt that it was enough, that it was too unfair, I spoke.

"This [accusation] is very heavy for me... This is unfair... We were not aware of the policy... the policy was not clear. " I said in between my arguments.

It's a petty problem too shallow exaggerated by the HR that it has to be raised to our big boss. And it's just too irritating.

I wanted to have a mass inspection of all computers in PhilCAT, in which I take charge of, not any outsourced IT "specialist" who is not effective in reporting staff who criminally store personal files in his/her computer. I wanted to put a hidden camera in the HR's post to prove that we were not the only ones who use our computers for personal interests. But what I can only do now is to make them feel that I am very furious with what happened and challenge any irrational memoranda posted by the HR. And it will start with wearing T-shirt and rubber shoes everyday.

At least now I know how to answer to my big boss.

Never again will I be silent in front of any superior when it comes to questioning my credibility as a worker.

Transcended

2007-10-25T02:08:00.000+08:00

...from a way of life to another in one lifetime - that is how I am now.

I have been working as a data manager in PhilCAT since March, and working on sideline jobs with resident doctors along the way. So far, despite my crooked work ethics, I have been given credit for my skills and capacity as an effective statistician, researcher and epidemiologist. Although our organization's administration is not perfect for me, I am grateful that this work gives me the opportunity to endeavor on health research and probably be given recognition for it. But free-spirited as I naturally am, I think that I am taking for granted this opportunity that anyone in my field would grab and cherish. I took a leave from my current stable job for something what I think is more important.

This morning I played with the Sta. Isabel College Chamber Orchestra (SICCO) in the Manila Cathedral, celebrating the school's 375th year of service. The Archbishop of Manila himself celebrated the Mass. Like in any performances made by the orchestra, my emotion was divine. With this one thing is for sure - I can never remove myself from my attraction to music. The feeling of just being there gives me the sense of belongingness and purpose. I was in the orchestra not only to perform, but to be. This explains why I would rather rehearse with my SICCO friends for long hours than work tediously on papers or waste the night away in bars with my old friends.

This afternoon, I went to UP Manila to process my request for TRO, GMC and honorable dismissal papers. It was cold. I saw the OUR building under rennovation, and I see that it was duller than before. It is not that the school has physically retrogressed, for I know that it is really underfunded. It was my perspective that has changed, seeing that this school of excellence is not that impressive to me anymore. And I think this reflects my attitude towards my accomplishments as a BS graduate.

I have a close friend in college who did well in her field, but feels unfulfilled. She somehow made me think that she is envious of me, for I know what I want in life. Yes, I really do.

I will start again a life in a new school of music that does not only speak of academic excellence alone, but also of humility and service. It does not mean, however, that I will fully abandon my passion for research and health service. I will only take another chance in proving to myself that I can be whatever I want to be and redeeming my passion to what uplifts my soul, to what I truly love.

Perhaps someday I will realize that I had been too fast with my decision. But I will surely treasure this adventurous moment. Having understood why I do this, one can define my philosophy in life.

My First TV Exposure...

2007-09-18T02:11:00.000+08:00

... I coudn't believe, was performing live in an orchestra on a Sunday TV mass.

Yes, I was with the Sta. Isabel College Orchestra playing with Wanda, my violin, last September 9 on ABC5. Bishop Bacani celebrated the mass. On that, enough said.

It was my second time to be in a TV studio (my first was in the "Debate" studio at GMA 7) but it was like my TV baptism. It was, let's just say, divine. Ganun pala yun. Belonging in an orchestra playing for a TV mass in harmony with the school choir was quite an overwhelming experience. I could say that the best way to understand unity is by experiencing it in a musical performance.

And it would be an understatement if I say that we performed very well.

Critiques came out minutes after the mass. Our fellow member who watched us on TV said that we blended well with the choir (despite zero practical contact prior to the event). Sir Cris' fellow PPO (Phil. Philharmonic Orchestra) member sent a text message, "... Galing ng strings mo." Even my housemates who saw me on TV complimented our performance. But above all that, I know we did great. I felt it during the mass, specifically during the communion when we performed "The Majesty of Your Name." It was majestic indeed. Kabog!

Waking up at 3 o'clock in the morning with 2 hours of sleep only to prepare for this event was all worth it. We were all there, my colleagues from all walks of life with a common interest to celebrate the 375th anniversary of Sta. Isabel College, a Catholic school I never thought would be close to my heart - thanks to my teacher. Actually, I have a lot to thank him for. And thank God I found him.

I couldn't believe that walking up the stairs to my Biostatistics professor's office and beholding a violin would bring me to this big part of my life - to be in a chamber orchestra.

Should I decide to enroll for a second degree, bachelor of music? After graduating in my masters, I might. At Sta. Isabel.

A couple of minutes

2007-07-26T20:35:00.000+08:00

... are all I need to write another post. That is all I need - all I have.

All the other seconds of my life are spent on my families: going to work late, working as an underpaid PhilCAT data manager and laughing with my new office family, then flying to Sta. Isabel College to play music with my other family, the chamber, then going home with my true family, playing this addicting online game.

All the rest are history as far as I know. And I think I will settle for this kind of lifestyle.

My aunt in Geneva again suggested that I look for work in an international away-mission. I keep on telling her, "after my thesis, after my thesis..." while in fact I do not really care about my thesis for now. I do not want to change everything, now that I am only starting all over again.

I sometimes feel again the frustration of leaving my scientific profession and venture on being a fiddler, err, violinist. But I sometimes feel giving up my arts for science. I think I'm doing both at the same time.

That's how torn I am.

I need to rest.

I'm tired.

Self-contempt at Its Peak

2007-01-25T13:28:00.000+08:00

I am declaring my gravest remorse on my stagnant and worthless life.

Important people in my life had been slapping my face due to my delinquency. My former boss who had been very eager to improve my work ethics kept on insulting my irresponsible behavior when I had a decent job. My thesis professor had been sending an emmisary to nag me to pursue my thesis. My batchmates in high school had been threatening to sue me or the school if the high school yearbook would not come out yet. My resident clients kept on texting me to follow up their research paper results. My high school friend quacked at me over the phone about my attitude, that I wasn't like this before. Worse, my violin teacher had suggested to consider discontinuing my one-on-one violin lessons.

I was very efficient and industious in my younger years. But now, I'm an id-driven worthless bum. And worse, I'm not doing anything about it. Oh yes, I've cut my hair as a reminder of this tragedy.

I dont't know until when I will keep this up.

This is the worst form of self-contempt that most of us do.

In Yoko's Memory

2007-01-08T09:58:00.000+08:00

Letter sent to the Dayrits this morning:

Dear Auntie Nene, Uncle Manolet, Sophia and Roxanne,

I am gravely sorry to inform you all that Yoko passed away this morning, 3am while being confined in the private vet's clinic. We did everything we thought was good for him.

Hindi naagapan yung infection niya sa GI tract. PSPCA (Phil Society for the Protection and Care of Animals) misdiagnosed his condition na stress lang daw since maraming animal patients with the same signs and symptoms ang pumupunta sa kanila due to the new year firecrackers. We kept on bringing him to PSPCA for 3 days after niyang ayaw kumain. Puro dextrose lang ang binibigay saka pampagana, walang antibiotics. Sabi ng PSPCA ok na raw after the third day, so pinilit lang namin painumin ng gatas at vitamins.

Yesterday, he kept of vomiting and in the afternoon, he vomited his vitamins with a few drops of blood, so na-alarma na kami at dinala na sa private vet. Saka lang na-diagnose na infected ang kanyang throat. This morning, nabalitaan namin from the clinic that he passed away. He died of sepsis, I think.

There's a superstition na may sinalo si Yokong family member who would about to die. I hope this is true.

Please pray for Yoko. He had been a very charming ang loving pet for all of us.

Jay

Starting the Year Right

2007-01-08T06:48:00.000+08:00

... is not what I exactly did.

The last thing I wanted to is to get behind the times. I wanted to finish my thesis and finish the high school yearbook once and for all (for crying out loud! Santa Barbara!). I planned to make my weekly schedule to have time for everything, including my consultancies and violin lessons. I wanted to have a good start in organizing my activities before the year started.

But two consecutive events happened. One: Broadband connection was invented, Smart offered it and we availed for it. Two: The broadband worked perfectly, we gained access to all the evils of the cyberspace and "Supreme Destiny" happened.

My brilliant brother introduced me to this game where we can interactively play in the internet. This was the first time that we sat together for hours playing the same RPG game at the same time. The maximum level a player can achive is level 355. I'm currently at level 102 in just 10 days. Adik.

The consequences are evident. My thesis adviser sent an emissary, my MS classmate Vicky, to harrass me about my thesis proposal. Someone already got the Asthma study dataset that Dr. Borja was consistently suggesting me to work on. I have no choice but to give that dataset up and choose from a selection of datasets that I handled. Vicky told Dr. Borja that I will never cut my hair until I finish my thesis. Sabi niya, "Naku, baka umabot sa talampakan ang buhok niya." Quite true.

Doctors who need my help in data analysis keep on harrassing me too. A doctor in UST kept on asking my input in our gout study, in which I'm a co-author. If ever I do not meet her expectations, I might end up losing that privilege and wasting all my previous efforts for nothing.

And then there's Geneva opportunity. My aunt kept on asking me for my application for internship in WTO, which is only open for young students like me. Pero ayoko mag-WTO. Anong gagawin ko dun, mang-haharas ng mga third world countries? I wanted to finish my studies first before embarking on international endeavors.

But what I fear the most is my stagnation. I have observed my delinquency, or rather lack of focus, on the things that I should be doing since college. If I don't do something about my "condition," I will lose my dreams.

Currently logging in the game.

Help.

Grinched

2006-12-24T02:43:00.000+08:00

It’s been a looong time since my last post.

And it’s only because I didn’t want to or feel like doing it. Not that I had crap like I’m too busy or something. I always have time for everything, including joining friends if I want to, that I say “I’m too busy” only when I really don’t want to. Something tells me I’m id-driven after all. But I don’t refuse favors from residents or from anyone when it comes to research consultation – I’m not sure if it’s an implicit code of ethics or something.

Despite that revelation, I would still say that working freelance for residents and professors kept me stuck from coming to important events in this season’s festivities. I wasn’t able to attend the CPH Xmas party, the EAMC Ob-Gyne Department party and the high school mini-reunion party. IPHM is history and until now we had no plans for reunion at all. Failing to meet old friends is just frustrating and somewhat gratifying at the same time. Besides, I’ve been trying to avoid social gatherings as part of my soulsearching saga. And honestly, I’m not afraid to become anti-social in the process of seeking what I really want for myself – special thanks to Ayn Rand.

I’m currently enjoying my family’s company in between rest days of my freelance career. At the least I met my former PH classmates for lunch and had a great time. I was also able to spend more time jamming with my old high school friend in his place. The only Christmas party I attended was with a band of musicians, my classmates and music major students together forming a chamber orchestra playing new pieces and Christmas carols the whole day. I hardly knew everyone else, but it was the best.

Now that is another entry.

I haven’t even bought gifts for anyone. Napaka-Grinchy ko pala. Well, I bought my parents a laptop (yes Jeng, I bought Mensup for only P2500 hehehe) and also bought myself a Yamaha keyboard from a dear PH classmate, that’s all. I haven’t even bought any new “necessity” for me despite the urgent need to do so. Zippers on my bag and my pants fail to zip, and I hate it when things don’t zip anymore. But gifts for me has to pass for now. I’m too ashamed to those who are so thoughtful to give me presents. I assure you someday you shall be rewarded. By moi. *Hugs*

Going to church? Don’t even ask about it.

I know this coming year will be spacious for me. Hopefully I’ll have more time for myself as a bum mocking myself to finish my thesis and graduate from my masters course. But I have this gut feel that I should not finish my course yet. Because if I do, I’d have to leave the country to work for nagging bosses in the international community, as I’ve always wanted. I want more time for myself, more than what I have now.

And I’m not even expecting myself to write posts more often.

Anyway, let’s just enjoy this season while it lasts.

Humor-esque

2006-10-18T23:01:00.000+08:00

Playing “Humoresque” in front of a tough audience is one of the most embarrassing yet fulfilling events of my artistic life.

I had my second violin recital last Saturday. Papa, Kuyang, my violin classmates, PH classmate and barkada Ruthie, my maestro, and strangers who would seemingly represent if not constitute the entire nation, watched my ultimate humiliation. Kuyang even immortalized it with our video cam.

Starting the day right, I woke up late for my lesson at 10 am. I only had 15 minutes to prepare for that class and my fabulous performance that afternoon, and I haven’t even had my practice for my recital, much less for the orchestra. But still, I kept my natural, slow pace, as always, as I thoroughly caressed my body in the bathroom, meticulously set my long black hair, ironed my pink manly shirt, looked for a pair of black leather shoes. I came to UST an hour late.

I have good vibes with my maestro that day, like every week that we meet. People were smiling at me when I clumsily entered the classroom. They actually stopped what they’re playing just for me (Aaawww, they like me!) and waited until I was ready. Was it because of the pink shirt? I guess. It was starting out just right. I was with my violin classmates the whole time until the right moment came.

I think this group of different sorts of individuals will be my kind of gang for the next few years. I was quite grateful that our common teacher united us this way. I’ve always said to them, “Buti na lang at pinagsama-sama tayo ni Sir… pwede na natin siyang pagkaisahan! Hahaha!” Kidding aside, I think if I were to be given an opportunity to study or work abroad right now, I would have second thoughts of accepting it. I can not cease to ignore the potential this clan I am with every Saturdays has.

Anyway, so I was again in the recital hall that afternoon, feeling awkward due to my lack of practice and confidence. When I looked into the programme, I saw my name as the tenth recitalist. It was a good sign. Last recital, I was third in line, and the beginners are always prioritized. I also observed that we were a better variety – we had a guitarist, two trumpeters, four violinists (including moi) a young pseudo-premadonna, and seven pianists. Unfortunately, I still was the oldest.

What made me more anxious was the that trumpeter before me gave me an awkward prelude with his loud finale. When I was on stage, I realized that I could not tune my own violin that I had to walk toward my teacher and ask him to tune it. I had a weak start, which made my entire performance weak. I also had notes that were completely out of tune. I sometimes apologize for the inexpensiveness of my instrument. Fine maple wood gives superior sound quality, they said.

I do not need anyone to tell me my “areas of improvement” on that performance. Watching the recorded video footage, I know that my posture was inferior, my facial expressions showed too much uneasiness, I obviously reacted to every mistake I made, and worst of all, I was flabby and fat.

That’s it, I said. I’m a mediocre, as I chose to be. Unrehearsed and tense as I was during my first recital, my smart look did not cover my flaws. Oh well. But I was happy, though, for Ruthie, also inspired to pursue learning the violin, saw me perform – I have become an inspiration to humanity. Chenes.

I was surprised when my teacher sent me a message, bidding his congratulations and asking how I felt. It was really heartwarming of him (Aaaww, he likes me…). We agreed that I need to get rid of my stage fright and practice some more. As he said, It’s all part of the game. So, as a result of this heartwarming exchange to text messages, I was opt to have my next recital on Saturday at Sta. Isabel College.

I decided to play “Humoresque” again not only for the sake of my own “humor,” but also for the sake of perfection. As I quote my repeater classmate in San Beda, “It is sweeter the second time around.”

I hope that this time I have more hours of practice and ego boosting. So I’d better end this post and go home (I’m still in the office hehehe).

IQ 101 (Career Calamity: Special Edition)

2006-10-12T03:35:00.000+08:00

I was tuned in Channel 7 and watched “100% Pinoy,” which featured a few past and present “gifted” kids. I have learned about Shaira Luna, a former Promil user who discussed the cardiovascular system over a 15-second commercial several years back. She went into De La Salle University at the age of 12. However, she shifted from her pre-med course to other courses several times and eventually discontinued her college education. She is now working as a freelance photographer.

A La Salleian friend said that they were seeing Shaira in La Salle and were making fun of her. When she passed by them, she was teased by saying, “Uy, ayan na ang mga planets! Wooooh…” (pointing a finger up and forming circles).

“What are you helling at?” said Shaira (as what my friend claimed).

“HELLING naman pala eh! Akala ko ba Promil kid ka, bakit ang bobo mo?” Enough about La Sallian culture.

Poor Shaira - pressured by a society that tagged her as a young genius. Entering college at an early age, and with very high expectations from everyone, I believe she was burned out. Now, like any other young adults, she is faced with a dilemma of what career path to take. The end point: she did not graduate in spite of her high IQ. I don’t say that having a college degree is the best measure of achievement, but in her case, she could have at least finished her course, and then get exposed to other career possibilities after. Like me. I hope it won’t happen to my cousin/sister, Sophia, who was in the same situation where she could not choose what course to take. Not that she's a genius, but she is multi-talented, and can go to any course she want, based on her aptitude test. I hope she will finish her currently chosen course, environmental biology, and if she needs to venture in other tracks, she will do that after graduating. Like me. I do not favor "ningas-kugon" mentality when it comes to career undertaking.

Anyway, moving on. “100% Pinoy” also mentioned MENSA (I forget what it stands for), an association comprised of the top 2% highest IQ in the country, or in the world, in which each member made good on a particular IQ test and had proven that he's a genius. So what’s the purpose of MENSA anyway? Makakuha nga ng exam hehehe.

But seriously, am I a wiz kid, err, person? When my doctor aunt first saw me as an infant, she feared that I might have hydrocephalus. No, I only had an enlarged brain. And as what I remember, my IQ test result in high school was superior. Ano na kaya ngayon? Will I have the same IQ if I now take the exam? But what I know is I’m a Jack of All Trades. I know how to do a lot of things aside from the sciences: I can draw, paint, sing (ahem) dance (ahem-ahem) and play the violin (harrrgh!). A master of none? I’m not quite sure.

Sayang. If I only had a more encouraging environment to better improve my skills and talents when I was a growing kid, or in short, if only my parents were richer, I could have been brainier. For instance, I should have started learning how to play the violin when I was, say, four. That is why I envy rich and motivated kids.

Poor country. If only every Filipino kid had his opportunity to grow up thinking of no other concerns except enhancing his skills and, well, EQ, we would be a country full of wiz kids. Eh di uunlad sana ang bansa.

But although poor, I believe there are a lot of smart and talented Filipinos. Despite our environment, there still are venues in which Filipinos were able to enhance their skills and talents. I think it is better to be passionately struggling for survival and achievement in a repressed environment than to live in an overflourished one where one can hardly think of necessity for improvement. The only issue is the Filipino attitude to respond to that necessity.

I’m now hearing opinions that the Filipino youth nowadays, whether with high or low IQ, do not know what to do after graduating in college. In other words, they lost track of their ambitions. Is it because of the scarcity in human-development-friendly career opportunities? I think so. Kasi naman. In terms of the scientific world, how is the society responding to new local innovations in research and technology? In terms of the arts, how are we responding to our countrymen’s artistic achievements? I do not see that in the media, except in the “society” pages. Is it because of Filipino’s inferiority complex, that only foreigners or the rich can do whatever they want?

Like the “ningas-kugon” mentality, I do not favor tolerance of human degradation due to inferior environment. I believe in the competence of the human mind amidst adversaries. Man should dictate the necessity of his environment, and not vice versa. And going back to the IQ subject, I disagree that those with higher IQ will have greater achievements. All that is needed is motivation and extra effort.

At this moment, I am in a state of brain drain, like this country.

An Af-fur to Remember

2006-10-09T20:30:00.000+08:00

*I'm not quite sure what my cat's gender exactly is. But for the sake of this post, let's assume she's female.*

I never thought I would fall in love with a cat.

I remember the first day I laid eyes on her. It was a sunny morning. I was fixing my look in front of the mirror and almost ready to go to work when suddenly Papa, my father, caught my attention.

Papa: Jay, may kuting sa labas ng gate.
Charvie: ...Eh ano naman ngayon?
Papa: Kasi nakasabit siya sa imburnal...

There she was, right outside our gate, crying as if there was no tomorrow. Her body was hanging as her head got stuck between the steel bars covering our sidewalk's manhole. Her saliva covered her entire neck. She was traumatized and delirious. Papa and I took her inside and nursed her. Realizing that we didn't have milk at that time, I prepared her a few milliliters of mixture of Coffee-mate, Milo and water. She could not walk - she was only several days older than a newborn litter.

Assuming she had enough nourishment, I decided to leave her in a flower box outside our gate, hoping that her relatives would come to fetch her. I asked Papa to take a look at our patient while I was gone for work. When I got back, I checked her condition and fed her. Two days have passed and she was still where I was leaving her, taken inside and fed every once in a while with a mixture I doubted was sufficient for her health. In rained on the third day, and I had to make a drastic move. Three days had passed and no other cats bothered to get her. Rainy days had started and she had to be taken care of, or she'd die. I took her in and brought her up to our balcony.

I called her Nge-Nge. Short for bangenge.

I bought a can of evaporated milk just for her. I had to use my small beaker and even buy a medicine dropper just so I could effectively feed her. Every morning and night, I made sure she had more than she needed. One time, I misdiagnosed her to have a worm infection, finding out later on that she was only "bondat." I even gave her a bath every week and made sure she had some exercise before I left her.

She grew up gracefully. See this as proof.

I observed her hopping faster everyday. At first I was protecting her from my our two hounds, Yoko and Skipper, but Nge-Nge eventually adapted and bravely played "tag" with them. She even earned my respect by hunting down two mice lurking in the corners of our house - a recognition Yoko and Skipper never earned. See this. I even allowed her to sleep with me in my bed. I always heard her motor-like purr when she's near my ear and crawling on my body while I was half asleep. Somehow I got used to have someone crawling over me. Kidding.

She was doing quite well, except for her shit; it stinked. My mom hated cleaning and removing the stench of Nge-Nge's litter. Moreover, they claimed, and I somehow agreed, that having three pets is too much for our household. My parents did not buy the benefit of keeping a mouse hunter in the house. They made sure that I always heard from them that Nge-Nge had to go. I was ignoring them, thinking that it was not yet the right time. She's too young, I thought, and might die out there.

As I came home from work one night, Papa reported that Nge-Nge made her way out of the balcony and ran away. I was furious. I remember myself ranting at my parents that their wish was granted. And then I lost hope overnight. She's dead, I assumed.

She came back the next day.

From then on, I realized that Nge-Nge was an intelligent creature after all. Knowing she's back and safe made me realize that I was wrong. She will survive. And our house isn't big enough for all of us. My parents were right. She had to go - and she did. Mommy saw the opportunity when her pupils had a sports activity in their school. She brought Nge-Nge with her, together with the pupils who would take care of her from then on. As what I've heard, one of Mommy's pupils adopted her. I always assume that she is still in good hands.

There is no greater miracle than to save and nurture life.

Cultured-ish

2006-10-07T11:41:00.000+08:00

You won't believe where I was last night.

I was watching an opera at the CCP Tanghalang Nicanor Abelardo with my violin classmates. It was Tchaikovsky’s “Eugene Onegin,” produced by UST (Whooh! Go Uste!). It’s about a story of a man feeling sorry for rejecting a woman’s love. Morale: Frustration begets frustration.

It was nice, except that I don’t understand a shit – it was Russian. I had to buy an overpriced but worthless programme to understand what’s going on, only to find out that only one page was allotted for the story and the rest of the print were advertisements and the production's and the cast members’ crappy achievements. Even its layout was designed like trash. Hay, CCP.

Unfortunately, the dances were not well-choreographed. I like the costumes and the simplicity of the props though. I admire Russian, so It's fine.

But what I love about it was Tchaikovsky’s music – a real genius – and the orchestra responsible for the live music, including my Maestro Macazo hehehe. Bravissimo! Okay, fine, I’m impressed with the singers too.

By the way, did you know that Peter Il’yich Tchaikovsky, my favorite composer, was handsome and gay? Thanks to wikipedia for the info and the pic. Read this for more.

The last live play I watched before this was “Zsa Zsa Zaturnnah: Ze Muzikal” by Carlo Vergara, starring Eula Valdez and the fags. Wagi! Panalo ka sister! And before that, I think, was Miss Saigon, starring Leah Salonga and the brown and white people. Da best.

I appreciate now why we were exposed in such theatrical environments in high school - to have a feel of being a cultured brat. Hahaha. Kidding.

I’m looking forward to the next cultural experience. I hope that, by then, language barrier will no longer be an issue.

Yum-in-a-box

2006-10-05T19:57:00.000+08:00

I'm currently working on a desk in an office that looks like a house and is said to be haunted by an old lady and her grandchild. But I'm not afraid. I just have to acknowledge their presence and I'm safe. And it's still raining. Shit.

I'm currently working and at the same time writing my post. Actually, I'm not working. I'm typing my post. It's 8:20 pm and I'm still here. Why? I don't know.

But what I know is I'm in an office. Alone. An office. May trabaho pala ako? *smirk*. Problem is, most of the time I'm inside this box. I was dreaming of far more exciting jobs than this, say investigating an outbreak or implementing a health program in the community. But not this. I'm no better than a clerk - only a lot smarter and more commanding. So I had my 5-day field work in Iloilo and Cebu, big deal! Compared to months of staying here in this haunted office, that field work only seemed like a day-off in a whole year of work.

But I have to admit, I've learned a lot about work ethics and more about me unethically working. I don't need "criticism, self-criticisim" for that, which, by the way, was done here quite often. I don't want to think about them right now (I might collapse - I still have deadlines you know), but suffice it to say, I'm not the most efficient person in the world.

This office will be closed soon and somehow I'm sad about it.

But someday, I will put up my own office. It will be elegant and smart. Just like its boss. And by that time, I will be much more efficient.

The rain is out. This yummy's gotta go. Hehehe.

IPHM Kong Mahal

2006-10-04T18:37:00.000+08:00

Sa aking mga kasamahan sa IPHM, sa ating mga paghihirap sa ngalan ng kalusugan, sa ating pakikisalamuha sa iba't-bang elemento ng proyektong pangkalusugan at pananaliksik. Sa mga aliping sagigilid at aliping namamahay na hindi nakakauwi nang tamang oras, ni hindi nakakakain nang sapat (Kaya't dinadaan na lamang sa pagpasok nang tanghali na). At sa mga Pilipinong naghahangad ng magandang kalidad ng buhay. Para sa inyo ang mga larawang ito. Mabuhay tayo!

DOGMA

2006-10-01T12:47:00.000+08:00

Last night, I finished reading an old fiction novel, “The Fountainhead” by Ayn Rand. And at that time, I started meticulously reassessing the value of human existence.

As Miranda Priestly said it… “Groundbreaking.”

It is about an egotistic architect who never compromised his genius innovations to collaboration and cooperation with what Rand coined as “second-handers.” At the end, he stood victorious on the top of his greatest skyscraper. After finishing the last page, I was moved to research Ayn Rand and all the philosophies tied to her name: objectivism, egotism, as well as altruism, collectivism and communism. I was like a Borg drone assimilating information from the cyberspace. I never conceived that I would be reaffixed in concepts I have abandoned since I left the school paper and would think a lot like this in centuries – All because of a book of philosophy embedded in an architectural theme.

I ask myself, have I been an altruist all these years? As far as my values are concerned, I have admired selfless love and service for others and somehow rejected the opinions of egotistic eggheads. I planned my profession based on humanitarian objectives. The Church did not absolutely enforce me this, rest assured, but my urge in life has been in the service of the common good, for humanity as a Gift to God. I think my deceased grandmother, a teacher, a public servant, taught me this.

Then I remember my battle in the school newspaper. I saw myself asserting a selfish philosophy and using all my power to publish it in a paper that I believed was corrupted by individuals who would die for collectivism. My article discussed the vehement rejection of imposition of philosophies, condemning it as the gravest crime to humanity, and I roused independent reason and free thought to the readers, not knowing that I was becoming Ayn Rand. Having so much faith in my reason, I fought for it like a monster. At that time, I felt alone. I was alone. No one would support my monstrosity against a radical collectivist belief, knowing it was too monstrous that it would compromise a lot of things, save my colleague’s reputation. And at times I somehow regretted my actions, considering that in the public’s current way of thinking, I was wrong to defend individualism as it would break cooperation and collaboration among and within organizations, whatever their nature. That was the last assertion of my faith to human purpose. After that, I shut up. And then this.

So, am I an altruist or an egotist?

Rand failed in setting boundaries in depicting altruism and egotism in her work. Her characters who should have stood for altruism are, in reality, egotists who hunger for power and recognition, while her protagonists, who are supposedly selfish and egotistic, value humanity in their own ideals. Perhaps she subconsciously but perfectly put it that way, making me realize that there is no personal boundary at all.

In my understanding, altruism in principle is sacrificing one’s own values, morals and ideals, dignity and reason for other’s gratification, as what Rand suggested. While in practice, altruism is the use of physical or mental energy for the betterment of mankind. I like the latter better.

On the other hand, egotism in principle is safeguarding one’s own values, morals and ideals, dignity, even creativity and reason from others. Egotism in practice is the use of one’s energy to satisfy his need for pleasure, recognition, self-respect and power, such things that he believes he do not possess. I surely despise the latter.

An old philosophical opponent expressed her opinion, in literal terms, that unity in diversity is bullshit. As I interpret it, she rejects objectivism, the reason of an individual, the “I,” and glorifies collective thought without question, the “we and no one else.” I met her once in a jeepney ride but never looked at her twice. I can not stand to see an altruist in principle but an egotist in practice. Little did she know, like any other prophets of the leftist youth, that practicing one’s expression of opinion, whether original or plagiarized, to a public, whether diverse or brainwashed, is a form of egotism, refuting her own philosophy.

I will observe the social dynamics throughout the years and see branded individualists and collectivists struggle for political and economic power. I will look at faces of the youth blinded by loyalty to a belief that wasn’t their own. I will hear hypocrites denouncing individual rights to a collective cause, knowing at the back of their heads that the basic unit of a collective is an individual. I will die accepting a world with political animals setting boundaries to boundless morals and philosophies for futile applications.

But I will live as I was born and nurtured to live --- to work and achieve, to serve and lead. I will respect humanity as an individual and as a society.

For one can not help others without helping oneself. One can not cooperate with compromised faculties. He is not part of something if he is nothing.

My credo: egotism in principle, altruism in practice.

Buy it. Read it.

That’s an order.

No Coffee This Time

2006-08-20T22:48:00.000+08:00

Yep. Just clouds.

Had my 6th stick. Caused me chest pain. Made tears in my eye.

I don’t know. Maybe the unmet deadlines. Or the anxiety for tomorrow’s session.

Or the future loss of my beloved cat. Currently embracing him. Will be gone tomorrow.

To miss you.

Wanna make a sonnet for Nge-Nge, but too groggy for that.

The violin perhaps.

Maybe the sad songs.

Or the loss.

I love you.

Goodbye.

Just Kidding

2006-08-15T14:39:00.000+08:00

Kids easily grow up.

I just saw my cousin’s note in my room. It mentioned that they were leaving our house, requesting me to copy a CD game for her and hoping I would join them in our weekend trip in Lucban. Unfortunately, I had a project to finish in my professor’s house that weekend so I wasn’t able to keep my promise to join them. Somehow I regretted that I took the project and could not commit to my family duties, specifically as “Kuyang” to my cousins. I wanted to join them and have the best hours together while they (Sophia and Roxanne) are still kids. They will be back in Geneva after a couple of days.

Somehow I realize that they are not kids anymore. A few years back, they were only writing scribbles on pieces of paper, forming letters as toddlers. But now, they can communicate very well, not only in Filipino and in English but in French too (voila!). After a few years, Roxanne will be in college and Sophia will graduate hopefully as an environmental biologist. I, on the other hand, am now working like a dog in research and hopefully will finish my masters degree soon.

I wrote in my essays that I wanted to be a very good epidemiologist saving the world from pandemics. In reality, I still wanted to be a kid and remain that way. My negligence and my poor work ethics manifest just that. The reason why I do not want to get stuck in a full-time job is that I still want to be free from commitments and enjoy the things kids love.

Spending the weekend at my boss’ house, I observed her three-year-old son jerking around. He’s growing up gracefully and really fast. He’s quite charming for a menacing kid, and my professor adores her little precious. I think I share that adoration. It keeps coming to me whether I will have my own child. What would he, or she, look like? Will he/she look like his/her gorgeous dad? Only God knows. But I do love kids.

I’m now in my room enjoying the company of cigarettes, a cup of coffee and a playlist of mellow music. They are indicators of my age, perhaps my adulthood but not maturity. Somehow, I could not trace how I grew up from a loud brat to a loud adult. I only remember other faces that contribute to my experiences but my image as a growing kid is just puzzling to me. I grew up fast too, just like my cousins, my boss’ son and, well, my cat. I fear that I grew up so fast leaving behind what I should have gained in the process. Or maybe I just miss the experiences I already gained. I don’t know.

What I know is I can’t go back. I have made things that have barricaded me from being a kid. Besides, I savor very much the things only adults should enjoy, if you know what I mean (harhar just kidding). Like they said, “You win some, you lose some.”

But I like being a kid more. To have a kid’s perspective in life – idealistic, full of hopes, carefree, desiring unconditionally, cherishing the company of “other kids” – is just what I want best.

The project will finish soon and I look forward to have a time to kid around again. My soul searching will always consider what I want as a kid. I may not be or can’t be a kid anymore, but I can act as one. And I’ll do just that.

Hay, masarap maging bata.

Anyway, gabi na, meme na.

Career Calamity Ver #$%@?

2006-08-07T19:26:00.000+08:00

I'm currently in a dilemma whether I should "retire" as a researcher to become an artist.

I'm currently working as a research associate in a TB project, and I admit I suck at doing my work. As of now, I neither have the capacity nor the attitude to organize research materials. Hay... iresponsableng bata. If not for my gorgeous looks and acts of humility, I would have been exterminated ages ago. But no, despite my disorganized character, my Boss Mira had to extend my contract and even create a new one for their other project. Rather, if not for my masters units, I would have not retained my income-generating activities. True enough, being a statistician and an epidemiologist has its gains.

I believe I have become too exhausted in my research and statistical work. Aside from my full-time work, I had to meet a lot of clients for consultancy in their research. I had met several UST doctors who are willing to meet me, an amateur researcher. Although I gain much experience in handling my "clients," i can't say as of now that this is not my calling. Perhaps it's because my time and efforts are divided by my soul searching. Kasi naman, pa-enroll-enroll pa sa violin, ayan tuloy...

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, kinarir ko po ang byulin.

I have been attending violin sessions with my charming teacher since early this year. Sometimes, he keeps on reiterating that I have poor practice habits, that I have to practice some more. "Sayang ang panahon at tuition mo," he always says. Hay. Since I am enrolled and committed to attend and practice for my please-don't-ask-how-much sessions, I can not afford to stay focused on my real work. And since my work is not yet over, I also can't afford to focus on my violin endeavors. Arrgh. Hiwa-hiwang diwa.

And it doesn't end there. Making me believe that I have the potential of becoming a full-fledged violinist, my teacher encouraged me to attend the orchestra extension classes (in which he is still the teacher). Ayan, dagdag effort. But I had no regrets on this one. I have now the opportunity to have a feel of being in a symphony orchestra, which I thought would only be in my imagination. Honestly, being with a group of musicians feels greeeeaaaaat. Even is the composition of the chamber orchestra are merely beginner violin pupils, it feels like I'm in a big set filled with assorted instruments. Feels like heaven ba.

Well, plus the fact I have met new friends with a common interest, which is rubbing our own instruments harhar.

I remember the first time my boss asked how i was doing in my work, I simply answered, "Mam, mag-viviolin na lang po ako." Harhar.

Or maybe I'm willing to give up research work for music. I don't know. As of now, I'm torn.