Clouds in My Coffee

... than to have an incredible dream out of an inspiration from a special mentor... ... to make a crucial decision to fulfill that dream, which almost jeopardized my life's first theme... ... to tell my skeptic parents about this decision and make it really happen in front of their eyes... ... to sacrifice significant amounts of time, effort and resources just to make that dream come to life... ... to have friends along the way who share that common dream... ... to meet other great mentors in the process of learning how to achieve it... ... to sometimes face reality about my limitations and hindrances in fulfilling it... ... to break away from those obstacles and make miracles in the progress... ... to slowly evolve from an amateur pupil to an able musician... ... and finally to play the violin beautifully for the wedding of my first violin mentor as gratitude and tribute for the inspiration that she gave me, to be a violinist, right from the very beginning? There's no other gr...

This is a sonnet for my violin, who is my companion during the hardest times. Lead me, love, from the hymn of solitude To the music of departed shadows As it begins with a humble prelude Of whistles from the navel of sorrows. Calm on my chest, you my cheek caresses As my flowing tears deem you their shelter. With dead leaves dancing, cold breeze embraces Our warm bodies in the changing weather. Must your kind soul hear my soliloquy? Must you desert me under the full moon While I let you hum your own tragedy? But fate has brought us to this mellow tune. Let heaven weep for our mournful anthem. Sweetly we perform the lovers’ requiem.

I can't help it. I just have to spill it. I love Lady Gaga. Before, I told people that Lady Gaga might be a Filipina because " Gaga talaga siya! " when the music video of Just Dance was released and ruled the charts. Everybody knows that it's about wasting the night away with liquor or whatever depressants one might think of, a vice I removed from my system because of old age. But what's striking about the video is her freaky outfit. Enough said. But I love her music nevertheless. In fact, it was Poker Face that comes to my mind when I remember my hops along the streets and subways of London with my cousins last spring. But my fascination with Lady Gaga intensified these past few days just because I was browsing Youtube. I don't listen to the radio anymore so I have no updates on what songs are in now, but since I watched Bad Romance on Youtube, I have been singing and watching that same song over and over again for these past days. I am absolutely impresse...

Let's see now... I am currently working part time as a professor in Santa Isabel Music Department. I'm handling Statistics class for undergraduates and masters students, Measurement and Evaluation and Economics. Somehow, I have widened my horizon as a teacher as I improve my teaching methods in statistics while learning new subjects to teach. Good thing technology is better now in Santa Isabel. I am also "rushing" my thesis work in MS Epidemiology. So far, my adviser has approved my topic. Next step: review of literature. It's still a long way to go. But in addition, I took two penalty courses this semester: Seminars in Epi and the dragging Evaluation Research. I could have taken easier subjects, but something told me that I needed them. The Evaluation Research class is really something. Master and DrPH students were merged in this subject, so imagine the tension, not to mention that it is a UP class. I remember a case study report done by a DrPH classmate where a...

I never expected the feeling after is so heartwarming. At first I only wanted to get it over with, but when it ended, everything changed. I was referring to directing a school musical play in Immaculate Heart of Mary College, Parañaque last January 8 and 9. On a night just a few weeks before the play, I stepped into the school campus despite the heavy traffic just to spit the bad news - I wanted to quit as director. but the Franciscan sister who invited me to do the job pleaded to take my word back. That morning the same nun was nagging me to work on the script right away, plus the tickets and invitations. "That wasn't part of my job!" I ranted on everyone in Santa Isabel about my situation. "I was just invited to help them, not take all the burden!..." But that was weeks ago, last year. We only had a serious practice about a week before the play and everything was in a rush, almost close to impossible. The committee members, teachers, complained on the rush wor...

This is the moment when part of my country was ravaged by calamity, my dear friends soon to lose their jobs and my father is at higher risk of disability, or death. The feeling is just inexplicable. To simplify, it's depressing. I was stranded in Santa Isabel when Ondoy struck Metro Manila, without electricity, without power. I had nothing heroic to do but to save the pianos in the music department, unknowing that outside was a greater disaster. Hundreds died and millions lost their property, their security. Before Ondoy, I was told of the drastic climate change from where I worked. A lot of jobs will be lost in several health projects because of an alleged corruption, or misuse of fund, of one institution. I was also told how unstable the health system is when international funds offered absolute dependency and prematurely take their money away, leaving some but important health services paralyzed. But what bothers me is the loss of jobs, jobs that in the first place were never pe...

Last week was one of the most musically exhausting, and this week is contending for the position. On Monday last week, I bought a P300 worth of ticket for "3K: Tatlong Kompositor," only to find out after that my schoolmates hoarded a number of unused compli tickets - so much for waste of money. But I was really eager to watch that concert in PhilamLife Theatre because my choral arranging teacher, Dr. Buenaventura, was there and I wanted to find out if he really is "magaling" as what he is always boasting in our class. And indeed, his compositions were outstanding that night. It would have been a very fulfilling event if not for the 3-hour ordeal of listening to "other" different compositions, including a 30-minute yoga-ish meditation music with 3 movements (one movement was ecstatic, but three is literally mind-blowing) and a Katipunan -ish yelling performed through a play with bolo and such, much like a sarzuela excerpt of the Pugad Lawin . It was the fi...

Just when you are about to move on, it keeps on coming back. When you're loud, you blow things out of proportions. When you're silent, you let things die. And when you just utter a word once more, you raise the dead with a piercing blow on you. Being judged without a fair trial is really horrible. People see you as a crazy misunderstood brat when you see and feel differently. It's unfair. Well, perhaps that is the price of being quiet in a corner, not wanting attention. For others, attention boosts their ego, but not for me. Attention means scandal, rumors against you, the cause of your humiliation. I have attempted to learn the art of conversation, only to find out that it is best to keep quiet. Although I speak my mind from time to time, I know my limitations. I know that not everything that matters to me matters to the world. I have learned that lesson the hard way a long time ago, and it will be the last thing that I will forget. And for that, I do not express my emotio...

... ikaw ay pangalawa lamang sa magkapatid, at kailanman ay hindi mo malalamangan ang iyong kuya sa lahat ng aspeto ng iyong buhay mag-anak... ... mahirap lang kayo at mayayaman ang iba mong mga kaibigan. Oo nga at nakakaraos kayo sa buhay, ngunit hindi mo mabigyan ng luho ang sarili mo, umaangal ka pa kapag hinihingi ng mga magulang mo ang iyong ambag sa bahay... ... hindi ikaw ang pinakamagaling - mapasa-high school, college, sa paper, sa public health, maging sa musika, hindi ikaw ang cream of the crop ... ... hindi ka tunay na musikero. Kahit anong dalubhasa mo sa teyorya ng musika, ni minsan ay hindi ka naging magaling tumugtog ng kahit anong instrumento. Ni sa pag-awit ay hindi ka umasenso... ... tamad ka. Sabi nga ng mga amo mo noon, inefficient ka. Walang focus . Walang direksyon. Ni ang thesis mo hindi mo pa natatapos. Ngayon nga kung anu-ano pa ang ginagawa mo, alam mong marami kang dapat asikasuhin... ... nauubusan ka na ng kaibigan dahil sa anti-social propaganda mo. Sina...

Kapag tinopak ka nga naman sa harap ng computer... maiisipan mong mag-blog sa gitna ng napakaraming dapat mong gawin. Una sa lahat, nakikiramay ako sa pagkamatay ng dating Pangulong Corazon C. Aquino. Dinalaw ako ng lungkot sa aking pag-iisip ngayong gabi. Malungkot hindi dahil single ako (at hindi ko na dapat pa sinasabi 'yon) kundi dahil tila walang patutunguhan ang mga pagsusumikap ko. Tungkol sa aking pag-aaral ng epidemyolohiya, naiinip na ako sa paghinihintay sa pahintulot ng isang batikang doktor na may-ari ng datos na aking gagamitin. Sa hanay naman ng musika, ramdam ko na wala akong silbing mag-aaral ng musika hangga't hindi ko ipagpatuloy ang pag-aaral ng byulin o piano. Malungkot dahil pakiramdam ko ay kahit anong seryoso ang aking gawin sa aking pag-aaral, tila hilaw ang aking mga natutunan. Tila dumagdag sa bigat ng aking dibdib ang nalalapit na pag-alis ng aking dating guro sa byulin. Kahit hindi man niya sabihin kung kailan siya aalis, ramdam na namin na malapit ...

Our music theory professor, Miss Celine Pil, told us that there's a thin line between genuis and " loka-loka ." Wala lang. Gusto ko lang ibahagi. Nakatuwa hehehe. I'm a full student this semester. Well, more specifically a part-time music BM/MA Music Education student with two overlapping Choral Arranging subjects, and a part-time supposedly-thesis-finishing MS Epidemiology student. Crazy-genius. Last Saturday, the chamber had a formal internal audition for leadership. I intentionally failed it, knowing subconsciously that I should not dream of being a principal violinist – not yet. But I was depressed when I got the lowest score, with some thinking that I should leave behind my whims for a while and set things straight with my priority. I know at the back of my head that I am not a full-fledged musician, because I study but not fully practice music. In our recent Choral Arranging class, Sister Emilita was stressing that everyone in the class is a good pianist, except...

It's been like centuries since I last wrote a post. Probably because for two months I've had a whirlwind ride into worlds I thought I'd never encounter. With divine grace, I was able to visit more than 10 cities or towns in 5 countries. In Europe. I got wet in the Geneva Lake water jet and allowed snow from the Alps to get in my underwear and melt there. I let an old Swiss (or French) man in the flee market shout at us in disdain without talking back. I got lost in the Vatican Museums as price for venturing alone on the vast country (Vatican City is a country) taking megabytes of photos, allowed or prohibited. I also almost got lost while exploring the three buildings of the Louvre under time constraint. I almost bowed down upon seeing the Notre Dame at night for the first time. Same goes with the interior of the Basilica di San Pietro. I had the best quality time with my Mom, especially when we clashed in the Eiffel Tower simply because I wanted to go downstairs from the s...

... struck me, as any other life-moving stories did. Just when I was about to try to start working at 11:30 p.m., our TV downstairs was tuned to HBO, featuring "Freedom Writers," which tackles division and racism in an American classroom setting, and a teacher doing her job too well. Whoah. Yun lang . And it's too good to be true-to-life. I actually searched for the Freedom Writers Foundation and their book, the Freedom Writers Diary. It was there. It was true. It struck me, well, because I share the same sentiments as a teacher, only Ms. Gruwell had worse. Racism and gangsters are not major problems in the country, well at least not in my small world. But division and distraction of students from personal lives that make them poor performers are issues here. Ms. Gruwell's methods were unconventional, inefficient in resource use, but very effective in the long run. I want to be as good as her. Problem is, I'm not a literature teacher. I'm as statistics profess...

That's how an Isabelan friend described Sister Emelita's extraordinary sightreading powers. (Sightreading = playing/singing a musical piece while reading it for the first time). That's how I feel now. Halukay ube . I'm in high spirits primarily because I'm out of my dreaded full-time work. Now, I have more time for myself and for setting my priorities straight. I'm also gratified for a lot of things that came this first quarter: SICCO's second Baroque concert, SIC Music Department's Baguio retreat, my approved Shengen and UK visa, opportunity to work with WHO, among others. But most of all, I am thrilled to prepare for the trip of my life - out of the country, to the womb of Western civilization. But some things bother me a lot. First, I am now a bum, and I don't feel to have the capacity to set priorities. I still have a lot of things to work hard on - my masters thesis, to top them all. I am also burdened as a music student and statistics p...

I swallow the fact that I have problems in keeping my friends, old and new. My mom mentioned about my childhood family balikbayan friends having " tampo " with me and my brother because of loss of communication and our lack of effort to see them on their visit here in the Philippines last year. I heard my mom talking to them a while ago but I was not called to greet them - looks obvious enough. This one, however, is rooted from sensitive family matters, so enough said. I'm also having concerns with my associations with my past college friends. Responding to invitations to go out with them seemed too much of an effort for me. It would either be that I had no cellphone load to reply, I had so much work to do, or I simply didn't want to get out. This one, sadly, is partly rooted in another sensitive personal matter, so enough said. High school reunions? Let's not even dwelve there. I had a dinner with my music classmate and my teacher, discussing best friends. The t...

Burara kasi ako . It simply means my cage is too messy that cleaning it on my own would take at least 2 days to finish, no matter how small it is , with less than 3-single-bed floor capacity. My window is facing the polluted street of Sto. Tomas, so I could plant any rootcrop in my room after months of stagnation. And as I age, my trash multiplies and ages with me. What I hate the most is my unreasonably dragging attention to my trash. Over the years, it has been my room-cleaning tradition to browse through my old and new trash for a very long time and judge whether to keep or discard them. This time, my trash included handouts from my college and masters classes, not to mention my college books and high school materials that I kept over the years, if not decades (They're trash in a sense that they're unorganized bulks of paper scattered all over my room). I remember every detail of what the materials remind me of - from Public Health subjects to our fieldwork report (that kick...

...was a bit crazy yet absolutely gratifying. It was in our office Christmas party that I applied my skills in choral arranging for the first time. I arranged Don Moen's "Our Father" chorus part into four voices, upon my suggestion and my officemates' request. Here is the original music from Youtube. Listen to the chorus: Now here is my choral arrangement (with the help of Finale). This one has voice "oohs" to have a cool effect. Check this out: I think this one, with choir "aahs", has clearer chords, so you can listen to the chord progressions: Unfortunately, we weren't able to record the actual performance. Aside from that, I had participated in the toxic activities of the school and the chamber. I joined the Santa Isabel College students sang and played for the simbang gabi at the PGH Chapel last Saturday. It was a bit weird for me as an alumnus of the campus, but the feeling was not that intense, since the colleges and the hospital are ...

ANG GANDAAAAA!!!!

No, you've read it right. It was my second first day last Saturday. Most classes officially started that day, so I'd say it was my first day too - second first day, that's correct. And on my second first day, I have learned a lot as a "professor." Lesson 1: Classes are unpredictable at first week, and the consequences never cease to surprise me. After attending my dictation and theory classes (that switched schedules by the way), I was approached by a masters student, Sister Belen, who asked for the schedule of my Statistics class for masters. I was stunned by the idea, and upon approaching Ate Jean (Music Dept. Secretary) without saying anything, she told me right away, " Ay Charvs, may klase ka ng Stat sa masters, 11-12 ." I didn't know I will handle masters students. And the students keep on coming. Last week was also a blow, finding out that my undergraduate class is a mixture of students with different courses, which is beyond my expectations. ...

I was overwhelmed by this first experience. It was simply unbelieveable. Last Saturday, I started to teach Statistics on college students in Santa Isabel. I thought at first that I was going to handle music students only, but it turned out that there are college students with majors in English or Marketing. But in general, I know how my students behave, as most of them are music students, my classmates. And when it comes to general education subjects like Statistics, let's just say they are not the most enthusiastic students you'll ever have. And setting my class at 1-4 o'clock in the afternoon, let's just say it is not the most exciting class you'll ever attend. Everyone whom I encountered in the music department almost teased me, "Sir!" aggravating my anxiety. People knew I was terribly nervous. I was advised that I should start my class next week, but with 11 students, I started anyway. I didn't have any teaching materials nor course outline, but I ...