Apocalyptic Visions

I had two disturbing dreams...

The first one was a week before Christmas, where I dreamt that I was in a city torn by multiple attacks of high tsunamis, meteors and boulders rising from a distance and forming a trajectory towards the buildings. I was there, struggling and stunned by the weird forces of nature. Everything was vivid: from the roads that I pass through, to the buildings that I enter, the elevations I climb to keep away from the great flood, the people whom I recognize. I see the road swiftly crashed by small meteors by 4 seconds interval as a meteor hit a jeepney filled with people - there were casualties. I remember running into a building as boulders hit it. I saw by the sea the huge hole where the boulders come from. Somehow I was convinced it was true, that people in my dream told me that I wasn't dreaming. I was looking for my family and friends, and assumed they were fine.

I told my officemates my first dream. We browsed the net and looked for interpretaions. One website said, "To dream of the apocalypse signifies an emotional and dramatic change taken place within. The dream may also indicate the end of one kind of lifestyle and the beginning of another."

The other one was after Christmas, where the most remarkable scene was that I see a row of people kneeling down and beheaded simultaneously. According to the interpretation, "To dream that you or someone else is being beheaded signifies poor judgment or a bad decision that you have made and regretted."

I do not know whether I should believe in these interpretations. But looking at it, they may be true. But still, I believe there is something more about those dreams.

I am anxious about the third that I haven't encountered yet, together with the next coming vividly disturbing dreams

Sarap Maging Musikero Kapag Pasko

Yeah, that's right. ^^

The things I miss during the Christmas season were the CPH days when we build the lantern and designing the facade. I even missed the parade this season.

But what I'm so happy about this time is enjoying Christmas as a musician. I only listen to Christmas carols before, but now I play them with a group. I remember 2 years ago I was only watching the PPO and the San Miguel Philharmonic Orchestra perform Christmas music, but last December 12, I performed with the SICCO. Dr. Dayrit was there, and he enjoyed it.

Last Saturday. December 22, we played with the Vox Angelicum in the Our Lady of Hope Parish (behind SM West) under Ms. April Sta. Maria. It took me only almost 1 hour of sleep preparing for the event. Pero naman, winner pa rin wahehe.

One thing is for sure: sarap ng Pasko sa musikero hehe.

Magkakapamangkin na ako!

It was Jeunessa, my sister-in-law-to-be, and Omar, my brother, who broke the news.

Jeunessa: Omar, what can you say about this blouse?
Omar: Tanunigin mo si Jay.
Me: (Lifting an eyebrow) Well, mukha syang pang-80's. At bakit may garter? And you bought 2 blouses with the same style!
Omar: Pambuntis yan.
Me: ... ha?
Jeunessa: I'm pregnant!
Me: Huh?
Jeunessa: Ay, ayaw maniwala... (bringing out the ultrasound result and two pregnancy test kits showing positive results) ayan... I'm pregnant!
Me: What are you doing??? (Still startled)
Omar: We're telling you, she's pregnant!
Jeunessa: We're going to have a baby!
Me: Whaaat!?

A few minutes after, Miah, my close friend in high school, called and I started spilling that my brother is going to have a baby.

Miah: Uy exciting yan! Syeeet Oscar, kelan ang kasal?
Me: Hindi ko nga alam eh...
Miah: Kelangan paghandaan yan, engrandeng kasal dapat! Naku Oscar I'm so happy for you! (Parang ako yung magkakaanak!) Kelangan tumugtog ka sa kasal nila! Dalhin mo yung buong orchestra!

Even our online game friends, or SD (Supreme Destiny) friends, were surprised by the news.

Me: Magkakapamangkin na ako!
Mafy: yung totoong Jeunessa? (my brother's character was named after his girlfriend)
Me: Oo!
Mafy: Uy nice!
Me: Kung papayagan ng nanay niya, gagawin ko syang prodigy ng violin or piano hehehe.

I even told my officemates about it.

Ana: Naku, Charvie, mauubos ang sweldo mo nyan sa kakabili ng pasalubong sa pamangkin mo!
Me: Oo nga eh.
Elayne: Uy, si Charvie, magkakababy na, AYIII! (Again, parang ako yung magkakaanak)
Me: Gaga.
Mama Haze: Naku, may manggugulo na dito sa office, ang lapit pa naman ng bahay nyo.
Ana: Oo nga, tapos tuturuan mo ng Epi Info (the stat program used in the office)

After all the news spreading and happy greetings, The idea that I'm indeed going to have a nephew/niece after eight months slowly sank into me. And for once, I eventually became just as excited as Miah when his brother had his first child. Exciting nga pala! I have been carrying babies in my arms every now and then, but this will be different. It will be close to having my own child. Definitely, it would mean drastic changes in the house, provided that the couple will stay here. And most significantly, it will change my life forever.

I have been fantasizing about the future with my pamangkin. When I buy groceries, about one third will probably be for the baby. When I get home every night, I will embrace and play with the baby like a doll. When he/she gets older, I will accompany him/her to Sta. Isabel on Saturdays where he/she will have his/her violin lessons with my teacher or piano lessons with the Music Department Chair, a beloved sister of goodwill. When he gets a bit older, I might tutor him/her on his/her school assignments, or not, assuming that he/she'll be smart. In other words, in the future, whatever I do, a big part of it will be with and for my pamangkin.

I remember my close friend in BS Public Health that her plans for her future is to be in a compund where her relatives, especially her nieces and nephews, reside. She has no plans whatsoever to leave the country and excel in her field abroad. Now, I get her point.

It seems that I will stay here for a longer time --- not for myself, but for my pamangkin.

Office Rash

I, together with three of my officemates, were called by our big boss. She scolded us for storing gigabytes of movie files, personal files, in our hard drives, assuming that we were watching them all the time and being negligent in our work. The HR provided printed screenshots showing the folders where we kept our files.

"I am very dissapointed in you, lalo ka na Charvie, mataas pa naman ang expectations ko sa yo!"

I crippled.

I have been called by my big boss twice. The first time was because I saved a folder of wallpaper pictures in the shared network folder. And the second time, this time, because I stored movie files in my hard drive. And for that, I've been so disappointing to my boss. I, of all people in my office who, most of them, listen to music, view personal pictures, watch movies and even play computer games, was pointed at by the HR twice for being unprofessional by storing files in my computer.

At first, I was silent, but when I felt that it was enough, that it was too unfair, I spoke.

"This [accusation] is very heavy for me... This is unfair... We were not aware of the policy... the policy was not clear. " I said in between my arguments.

It's a petty problem too shallow exaggerated by the HR that it has to be raised to our big boss. And it's just too irritating.

I wanted to have a mass inspection of all computers in PhilCAT, in which I take charge of, not any outsourced IT "specialist" who is not effective in reporting staff who criminally store personal files in his/her computer. I wanted to put a hidden camera in the HR's post to prove that we were not the only ones who use our computers for personal interests. But what I can only do now is to make them feel that I am very furious with what happened and challenge any irrational memoranda posted by the HR. And it will start with wearing T-shirt and rubber shoes everyday.

At least now I know how to answer to my big boss.

Never again will I be silent in front of any superior when it comes to questioning my credibility as a worker.

Transcended

...from a way of life to another in one lifetime - that is how I am now.

I have been working as a data manager in PhilCAT since March, and working on sideline jobs with resident doctors along the way. So far, despite my crooked work ethics, I have been given credit for my skills and capacity as an effective statistician, researcher and epidemiologist. Although our organization's administration is not perfect for me, I am grateful that this work gives me the opportunity to endeavor on health research and probably be given recognition for it. But free-spirited as I naturally am, I think that I am taking for granted this opportunity that anyone in my field would grab and cherish. I took a leave from my current stable job for something what I think is more important.

This morning I played with the Sta. Isabel College Chamber Orchestra (SICCO) in the Manila Cathedral, celebrating the school's 375th year of service. The Archbishop of Manila himself celebrated the Mass. Like in any performances made by the orchestra, my emotion was divine. With this one thing is for sure - I can never remove myself from my attraction to music. The feeling of just being there gives me the sense of belongingness and purpose. I was in the orchestra not only to perform, but to be. This explains why I would rather rehearse with my SICCO friends for long hours than work tediously on papers or waste the night away in bars with my old friends.

This afternoon, I went to UP Manila to process my request for TRO, GMC and honorable dismissal papers. It was cold. I saw the OUR building under rennovation, and I see that it was duller than before. It is not that the school has physically retrogressed, for I know that it is really underfunded. It was my perspective that has changed, seeing that this school of excellence is not that impressive to me anymore. And I think this reflects my attitude towards my accomplishments as a BS graduate.

I have a close friend in college who did well in her field, but feels unfulfilled. She somehow made me think that she is envious of me, for I know what I want in life. Yes, I really do.

I will start again a life in a new school of music that does not only speak of academic excellence alone, but also of humility and service. It does not mean, however, that I will fully abandon my passion for research and health service. I will only take another chance in proving to myself that I can be whatever I want to be and redeeming my passion to what uplifts my soul, to what I truly love.

Perhaps someday I will realize that I had been too fast with my decision. But I will surely treasure this adventurous moment. Having understood why I do this, one can define my philosophy in life.

My First TV Exposure...

... I coudn't believe, was performing live in an orchestra on a Sunday TV mass.

Yes, I was with the Sta. Isabel College Orchestra playing with Wanda, my violin, last September 9 on ABC5. Bishop Bacani celebrated the mass. On that, enough said.

It was my second time to be in a TV studio (my first was in the "Debate" studio at GMA 7) but it was like my TV baptism. It was, let's just say, divine. Ganun pala yun. Belonging in an orchestra playing for a TV mass in harmony with the school choir was quite an overwhelming experience. I could say that the best way to understand unity is by experiencing it in a musical performance.

And it would be an understatement if I say that we performed very well.

Critiques came out minutes after the mass. Our fellow member who watched us on TV said that we blended well with the choir (despite zero practical contact prior to the event). Sir Cris' fellow PPO (Phil. Philharmonic Orchestra) member sent a text message, "... Galing ng strings mo." Even my housemates who saw me on TV complimented our performance. But above all that, I know we did great. I felt it during the mass, specifically during the communion when we performed "The Majesty of Your Name." It was majestic indeed. Kabog!

Waking up at 3 o'clock in the morning with 2 hours of sleep only to prepare for this event was all worth it. We were all there, my colleagues from all walks of life with a common interest to celebrate the 375th anniversary of Sta. Isabel College, a Catholic school I never thought would be close to my heart - thanks to my teacher. Actually, I have a lot to thank him for. And thank God I found him.

I couldn't believe that walking up the stairs to my Biostatistics professor's office and beholding a violin would bring me to this big part of my life - to be in a chamber orchestra.

Should I decide to enroll for a second degree, bachelor of music? After graduating in my masters, I might. At Sta. Isabel.

A couple of minutes

... are all I need to write another post. That is all I need - all I have.

All the other seconds of my life are spent on my families: going to work late, working as an underpaid PhilCAT data manager and laughing with my new office family, then flying to Sta. Isabel College to play music with my other family, the chamber, then going home with my true family, playing this addicting online game.

All the rest are history as far as I know. And I think I will settle for this kind of lifestyle.

My aunt in Geneva again suggested that I look for work in an international away-mission. I keep on telling her, "after my thesis, after my thesis..." while in fact I do not really care about my thesis for now. I do not want to change everything, now that I am only starting all over again.

I sometimes feel again the frustration of leaving my scientific profession and venture on being a fiddler, err, violinist. But I sometimes feel giving up my arts for science. I think I'm doing both at the same time.

That's how torn I am.

I need to rest.

I'm tired.

Self-contempt at Its Peak

I am declaring my gravest remorse on my stagnant and worthless life.

Important people in my life had been slapping my face due to my delinquency. My former boss who had been very eager to improve my work ethics kept on insulting my irresponsible behavior when I had a decent job. My thesis professor had been sending an emmisary to nag me to pursue my thesis. My batchmates in high school had been threatening to sue me or the school if the high school yearbook would not come out yet. My resident clients kept on texting me to follow up their research paper results. My high school friend quacked at me over the phone about my attitude, that I wasn't like this before. Worse, my violin teacher had suggested to consider discontinuing my one-on-one violin lessons.

I was very efficient and industious in my younger years. But now, I'm an id-driven worthless bum. And worse, I'm not doing anything about it. Oh yes, I've cut my hair as a reminder of this tragedy.

I dont't know until when I will keep this up.

This is the worst form of self-contempt that most of us do.

In Yoko's Memory

Letter sent to the Dayrits this morning:

Dear Auntie Nene, Uncle Manolet, Sophia and Roxanne,

I am gravely sorry to inform you all that Yoko passed away this morning, 3am while being confined in the private vet's clinic. We did everything we thought was good for him.

Hindi naagapan yung infection niya sa GI tract. PSPCA (Phil Society for the Protection and Care of Animals) misdiagnosed his condition na stress lang daw since maraming animal patients with the same signs and symptoms ang pumupunta sa kanila due to the new year firecrackers. We kept on bringing him to PSPCA for 3 days after niyang ayaw kumain. Puro dextrose lang ang binibigay saka pampagana, walang antibiotics. Sabi ng PSPCA ok na raw after the third day, so pinilit lang namin painumin ng gatas at vitamins.

Yesterday, he kept of vomiting and in the afternoon, he vomited his vitamins with a few drops of blood, so na-alarma na kami at dinala na sa private vet. Saka lang na-diagnose na infected ang kanyang throat. This morning, nabalitaan namin from the clinic that he passed away. He died of sepsis, I think.

There's a superstition na may sinalo si Yokong family member who would about to die. I hope this is true.

Please pray for Yoko. He had been a very charming ang loving pet for all of us.

Jay

Starting the Year Right

... is not what I exactly did.

The last thing I wanted to is to get behind the times. I wanted to finish my thesis and finish the high school yearbook once and for all (for crying out loud! Santa Barbara!). I planned to make my weekly schedule to have time for everything, including my consultancies and violin lessons. I wanted to have a good start in organizing my activities before the year started.

But two consecutive events happened. One: Broadband connection was invented, Smart offered it and we availed for it. Two: The broadband worked perfectly, we gained access to all the evils of the cyberspace and "Supreme Destiny" happened.

My brilliant brother introduced me to this game where we can interactively play in the internet. This was the first time that we sat together for hours playing the same RPG game at the same time. The maximum level a player can achive is level 355. I'm currently at level 102 in just 10 days. Adik.

The consequences are evident. My thesis adviser sent an emissary, my MS classmate Vicky, to harrass me about my thesis proposal. Someone already got the Asthma study dataset that Dr. Borja was consistently suggesting me to work on. I have no choice but to give that dataset up and choose from a selection of datasets that I handled. Vicky told Dr. Borja that I will never cut my hair until I finish my thesis. Sabi niya, "Naku, baka umabot sa talampakan ang buhok niya." Quite true.

Doctors who need my help in data analysis keep on harrassing me too. A doctor in UST kept on asking my input in our gout study, in which I'm a co-author. If ever I do not meet her expectations, I might end up losing that privilege and wasting all my previous efforts for nothing.

And then there's Geneva opportunity. My aunt kept on asking me for my application for internship in WTO, which is only open for young students like me. Pero ayoko mag-WTO. Anong gagawin ko dun, mang-haharas ng mga third world countries? I wanted to finish my studies first before embarking on international endeavors.

But what I fear the most is my stagnation. I have observed my delinquency, or rather lack of focus, on the things that I should be doing since college. If I don't do something about my "condition," I will lose my dreams.

Currently logging in the game.

Help.