This is the moment when part of my country was ravaged by calamity, my dear friends soon to lose their jobs and my father is at higher risk of disability, or death.
The feeling is just inexplicable. To simplify, it's depressing.
I was stranded in Santa Isabel when Ondoy struck Metro Manila, without electricity, without power. I had nothing heroic to do but to save the pianos in the music department, unknowing that outside was a greater disaster. Hundreds died and millions lost their property, their security.
Before Ondoy, I was told of the drastic climate change from where I worked. A lot of jobs will be lost in several health projects because of an alleged corruption, or misuse of fund, of one institution. I was also told how unstable the health system is when international funds offered absolute dependency and prematurely take their money away, leaving some but important health services paralyzed. But what bothers me is the loss of jobs, jobs that in the first place were never permanent. I could have been a bit happier since I resigned months ago, but the sympathy is undeniable. And now, all will seem to disappear just like that.
And then my father. He was recently diagnosed to have a major stroke, although he seems well until now. We only found out when a family friend noticed my father's slight worsening in speech over the phone. I wouldn't know it sooner had I not received a forwarded e-mail from my aunt in Geneva, showing the communication between her and her MD classmate about my father's condition. My father's stroke is mysterious; we weren't quite sure why and how it happened. My father is attacked without my knowledge, stabbing me and my profession at the back.
Moving on is not that easy for me, just like many of us now.
Monday, October 05, 2009
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Three concerts in a week... and more
Last week was one of the most musically exhausting, and this week is contending for the position.
On Monday last week, I bought a P300 worth of ticket for "3K: Tatlong Kompositor," only to find out after that my schoolmates hoarded a number of unused compli tickets - so much for waste of money. But I was really eager to watch that concert in PhilamLife Theatre because my choral arranging teacher, Dr. Buenaventura, was there and I wanted to find out if he really is "magaling" as what he is always boasting in our class. And indeed, his compositions were outstanding that night. It would have been a very fulfilling event if not for the 3-hour ordeal of listening to "other" different compositions, including a 30-minute yoga-ish meditation music with 3 movements (one movement was ecstatic, but three is literally mind-blowing) and a Katipunan-ish yelling performed through a play with bolo and such, much like a sarzuela excerpt of the Pugad Lawin. It was the first time that I walked out of a concert hall delirious, as if I had bottles of Red Horse grande in a bar. Hunger might be a factor, but the music definitely caused it.
Just when I had enough of weird music, I watched another concert at the CCP the night after. It was the 40th anniversary celebration of the CCP Foundation, so Imelda and "friends" were there (forgive my repetitive quoting). The first part was very good, Mahler performed by PPO under Yatco, except for the loud dripping of rainwater somewhere. Imagine, may butas ang bubong ng Nicanor Abelardo Hall, CCP's main theatre. Then the intermission was disturbed by Cayabyab's three-piano "plak-plak ching" contemporary music composition. My professor made a scene by approaching the poor performers and somewhat scolding them, a typical reaction of purists ;-). And when we came back for the second half, we were stuffed with other Ryan Cayabyab's music medleys, one with multi-dance numbers and the other with multi-genre singers, including Piolo Pascual as the special guest artist. The dances were okay, but the other one, the one with a Piolo Pascual, wasn't palatable. My professor commented that there was a murder in CCP, "Pucchini was murdered!", she said, referring to the medley where classical music (including Pucchini's La Boheme and Madame Butterfly) was tampered with pop-ista music (OPM's, rock music, etc.). The intent was good, but the outcome was unaccepted by critics. However, in all fairness, I wasn't sick when I got out of CCP.
On Thursday, I went to UP Diliman and looked for the College of Music after attending a frustrating session in choral arranging class. There, I watched UP Voice Ensemble and Santa Isabel College Singers fund-raising concert. It was good, to say the least. But I feel bad for my schoolmates who work so hard in that combo chorale, but not given much credit for it, not to mention working too hard but not effectively promoting the school (Santa Isabel, not UP). But again, it was okay.
I was supposed to watch CCP's "Seven Arts, One Imelda" on the Friday of that week, if only I had compli tickets but sadly, we ran out of luck. I heard that some protest about CCP giving Imelda a tribute, after all what the Marcoses had done to the country. But as what they say, despite of Imelda's dark background, she still is the founder of CCP, with all the thrust of promoting beauty and culture. And at least, Imelda patronized true artists, unlike now where anyone who did some art and is close to "the queen" can be a National Artist.
This week is different. The toxicity comes from the fiesta in the school - playing violin for mass here and there as the whole music department was obliged to serve the whole time. But now I'm benign, as what doctors say.
Dip me more in the drama, tragedy and politics of classical music, like what happened last week, and I might, just might, be more interested in getting a BM degree instead of finishing my MS.
Kidding.
On Monday last week, I bought a P300 worth of ticket for "3K: Tatlong Kompositor," only to find out after that my schoolmates hoarded a number of unused compli tickets - so much for waste of money. But I was really eager to watch that concert in PhilamLife Theatre because my choral arranging teacher, Dr. Buenaventura, was there and I wanted to find out if he really is "magaling" as what he is always boasting in our class. And indeed, his compositions were outstanding that night. It would have been a very fulfilling event if not for the 3-hour ordeal of listening to "other" different compositions, including a 30-minute yoga-ish meditation music with 3 movements (one movement was ecstatic, but three is literally mind-blowing) and a Katipunan-ish yelling performed through a play with bolo and such, much like a sarzuela excerpt of the Pugad Lawin. It was the first time that I walked out of a concert hall delirious, as if I had bottles of Red Horse grande in a bar. Hunger might be a factor, but the music definitely caused it.
Just when I had enough of weird music, I watched another concert at the CCP the night after. It was the 40th anniversary celebration of the CCP Foundation, so Imelda and "friends" were there (forgive my repetitive quoting). The first part was very good, Mahler performed by PPO under Yatco, except for the loud dripping of rainwater somewhere. Imagine, may butas ang bubong ng Nicanor Abelardo Hall, CCP's main theatre. Then the intermission was disturbed by Cayabyab's three-piano "plak-plak ching" contemporary music composition. My professor made a scene by approaching the poor performers and somewhat scolding them, a typical reaction of purists ;-). And when we came back for the second half, we were stuffed with other Ryan Cayabyab's music medleys, one with multi-dance numbers and the other with multi-genre singers, including Piolo Pascual as the special guest artist. The dances were okay, but the other one, the one with a Piolo Pascual, wasn't palatable. My professor commented that there was a murder in CCP, "Pucchini was murdered!", she said, referring to the medley where classical music (including Pucchini's La Boheme and Madame Butterfly) was tampered with pop-ista music (OPM's, rock music, etc.). The intent was good, but the outcome was unaccepted by critics. However, in all fairness, I wasn't sick when I got out of CCP.
On Thursday, I went to UP Diliman and looked for the College of Music after attending a frustrating session in choral arranging class. There, I watched UP Voice Ensemble and Santa Isabel College Singers fund-raising concert. It was good, to say the least. But I feel bad for my schoolmates who work so hard in that combo chorale, but not given much credit for it, not to mention working too hard but not effectively promoting the school (Santa Isabel, not UP). But again, it was okay.
I was supposed to watch CCP's "Seven Arts, One Imelda" on the Friday of that week, if only I had compli tickets but sadly, we ran out of luck. I heard that some protest about CCP giving Imelda a tribute, after all what the Marcoses had done to the country. But as what they say, despite of Imelda's dark background, she still is the founder of CCP, with all the thrust of promoting beauty and culture. And at least, Imelda patronized true artists, unlike now where anyone who did some art and is close to "the queen" can be a National Artist.
This week is different. The toxicity comes from the fiesta in the school - playing violin for mass here and there as the whole music department was obliged to serve the whole time. But now I'm benign, as what doctors say.
Dip me more in the drama, tragedy and politics of classical music, like what happened last week, and I might, just might, be more interested in getting a BM degree instead of finishing my MS.
Kidding.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Vow of Silence
Just when you are about to move on, it keeps on coming back.
When you're loud, you blow things out of proportions. When you're silent, you let things die. And when you just utter a word once more, you raise the dead with a piercing blow on you.
Being judged without a fair trial is really horrible. People see you as a crazy misunderstood brat when you see and feel differently. It's unfair. Well, perhaps that is the price of being quiet in a corner, not wanting attention. For others, attention boosts their ego, but not for me. Attention means scandal, rumors against you, the cause of your humiliation.
I have attempted to learn the art of conversation, only to find out that it is best to keep quiet. Although I speak my mind from time to time, I know my limitations. I know that not everything that matters to me matters to the world. I have learned that lesson the hard way a long time ago, and it will be the last thing that I will forget. And for that, I do not express my emotions fully to the world.
And this time I will seal my lips to spare the world from my suffering. It will end here.
When you're loud, you blow things out of proportions. When you're silent, you let things die. And when you just utter a word once more, you raise the dead with a piercing blow on you.
Being judged without a fair trial is really horrible. People see you as a crazy misunderstood brat when you see and feel differently. It's unfair. Well, perhaps that is the price of being quiet in a corner, not wanting attention. For others, attention boosts their ego, but not for me. Attention means scandal, rumors against you, the cause of your humiliation.
I have attempted to learn the art of conversation, only to find out that it is best to keep quiet. Although I speak my mind from time to time, I know my limitations. I know that not everything that matters to me matters to the world. I have learned that lesson the hard way a long time ago, and it will be the last thing that I will forget. And for that, I do not express my emotions fully to the world.
And this time I will seal my lips to spare the world from my suffering. It will end here.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Tanggapin mo na lang ang katotohanang...
... ikaw ay pangalawa lamang sa magkapatid, at kailanman ay hindi mo malalamangan ang iyong kuya sa lahat ng aspeto ng iyong buhay mag-anak...
... mahirap lang kayo at mayayaman ang iba mong mga kaibigan. Oo nga at nakakaraos kayo sa buhay, ngunit hindi mo mabigyan ng luho ang sarili mo, umaangal ka pa kapag hinihingi ng mga magulang mo ang iyong ambag sa bahay...
... hindi ikaw ang pinakamagaling - mapasa-high school, college, sa paper, sa public health, maging sa musika, hindi ikaw ang cream of the crop...
... hindi ka tunay na musikero. Kahit anong dalubhasa mo sa teyorya ng musika, ni minsan ay hindi ka naging magaling tumugtog ng kahit anong instrumento. Ni sa pag-awit ay hindi ka umasenso...
... tamad ka. Sabi nga ng mga amo mo noon, inefficient ka. Walang focus. Walang direksyon. Ni ang thesis mo hindi mo pa natatapos. Ngayon nga kung anu-ano pa ang ginagawa mo, alam mong marami kang dapat asikasuhin...
... nauubusan ka na ng kaibigan dahil sa anti-social propaganda mo. Sinasabi mo na hindi mo sila kailangan, pero alam mo na gabi-gabi mo silang iniisip. At ngayon, hindi ka mapakali kapag hindi ka na rin nila kinikibo...
... ni minsan ay hindi ka niya minahal, kahit ano pang pantasya ang ipasok mo sa utak mo na magiging kayo pa. Ni maging magkaibigan kayo ay malabo na rin mangyari iyon, kaya huwag ka nang talagang umasa...
... hindi mo siya kayang mahalin gaya nang inaasahan niyang pagmamahal na hangad niya mula sa iyo...
... talagang emotero ka, maarte, pikon, malambot, lalamya-lamya. Minsan pa, wala ka sa lugar kung umasta...
... hanggang diyan ka na lang talaga at hindi mo na mababago ang iyong sarili.
Pero tanggapin mo rin ang katotohanang...
... mas matalino ka sa kuya mo. Mas marami kang alam. Kahit ipamana pa ng mga magulang mo ang buong kayaman nila sa kuya mo, mabubuhay ka.
... kahit mahirap ka, marunong ka sa buhay. Hindi ka banidoso. Matipid ka. Ikaw na yata ang pinakakuripot na nilalang sa daigdig, bilangin mo na lang sa mga ginagastos mo sa araw-araw. Marunong kang makitungo sa mga tao, sa kliyente na pinagkakabuhayan mo ngayon. At sa hinaharap, marami ka pang maaring mapagkakakitaan.
... hindi nga ikaw ang pinakamagaling sa kahit isang aspeto, pero magaling ka sa lahat ng aspeto. Magtanong ka sa paligid mo.
... kaya ka nga gumagasta nang malaking halaga sa iyong tuition fee sa pag-aaral ng musika dahil iyon ang gusto mong mangyari sa sarili mo. Gusto mong maging tunay na musikero. Kaya kung ano pa ang sabihin nila na sa siyensya ka na lang, huwag mo silang pansinin. Gumasta ka na nang malaki, panindigan mo na yan.
... nakakatrabaho ka pa rin kahit tamad ka. Hindi man ikaw ang pinaka-efficient na tao sa daigdig, may kahulugan naman ang iyong mga ginagawa. Magaganda ang mga output mo. At hindi ka plastik, hindi ka nagtratrabaho para ma-please ang ibang tao, mga amo mo, kundi para makatapos ng magandang proyekto. Inuuna mo ang kalidad. At may nagsasabi na ang mga matatalino ay tamad, kaya tama lang yan.
... natural ang mawalan ng kaibigan. Hindi mo kailangan ng masyadong maraming BFF's, sapat na ang kung anong meron ka ngayon. Hindi mo kailangan ng fans club. Ika nga sa core values ng SIC, Simplicity, social commitment... (makaka-relate ang mga taga-SIC hehe). At sa mga kaibigan mong nawala sa iyo at sinasabing papansin ka, pahabol, patunayan mong wala ka na talagang balak pang mapansin pa.
... pinili mong maging mapag-isa sapagkat alam mo ang kahihinatnan ng may kabiyak ka. Kaya ka loser sa pag-ibig ay dahil kinundisyon mo na ang iyong sarili na hindi ka pinanganak para doon. At magaling kang magkondisyon ng sarili. Kung maalala mo ay ginusto mo nga magpari, hindi ba?
... emotero din ang mga tao sa paligid mo. Maaarte, mga pikon, kunwari matitigas pero malalambot. Nakuha mo lang ang ugaling yan sa kanila, at mas malala pa sila sa iyo.
... there is always room for improvement and change is inevitable. Ngayon lang yan.
... mahirap lang kayo at mayayaman ang iba mong mga kaibigan. Oo nga at nakakaraos kayo sa buhay, ngunit hindi mo mabigyan ng luho ang sarili mo, umaangal ka pa kapag hinihingi ng mga magulang mo ang iyong ambag sa bahay...
... hindi ikaw ang pinakamagaling - mapasa-high school, college, sa paper, sa public health, maging sa musika, hindi ikaw ang cream of the crop...
... hindi ka tunay na musikero. Kahit anong dalubhasa mo sa teyorya ng musika, ni minsan ay hindi ka naging magaling tumugtog ng kahit anong instrumento. Ni sa pag-awit ay hindi ka umasenso...
... tamad ka. Sabi nga ng mga amo mo noon, inefficient ka. Walang focus. Walang direksyon. Ni ang thesis mo hindi mo pa natatapos. Ngayon nga kung anu-ano pa ang ginagawa mo, alam mong marami kang dapat asikasuhin...
... nauubusan ka na ng kaibigan dahil sa anti-social propaganda mo. Sinasabi mo na hindi mo sila kailangan, pero alam mo na gabi-gabi mo silang iniisip. At ngayon, hindi ka mapakali kapag hindi ka na rin nila kinikibo...
... ni minsan ay hindi ka niya minahal, kahit ano pang pantasya ang ipasok mo sa utak mo na magiging kayo pa. Ni maging magkaibigan kayo ay malabo na rin mangyari iyon, kaya huwag ka nang talagang umasa...
... hindi mo siya kayang mahalin gaya nang inaasahan niyang pagmamahal na hangad niya mula sa iyo...
... talagang emotero ka, maarte, pikon, malambot, lalamya-lamya. Minsan pa, wala ka sa lugar kung umasta...
... hanggang diyan ka na lang talaga at hindi mo na mababago ang iyong sarili.
Pero tanggapin mo rin ang katotohanang...
... mas matalino ka sa kuya mo. Mas marami kang alam. Kahit ipamana pa ng mga magulang mo ang buong kayaman nila sa kuya mo, mabubuhay ka.
... kahit mahirap ka, marunong ka sa buhay. Hindi ka banidoso. Matipid ka. Ikaw na yata ang pinakakuripot na nilalang sa daigdig, bilangin mo na lang sa mga ginagastos mo sa araw-araw. Marunong kang makitungo sa mga tao, sa kliyente na pinagkakabuhayan mo ngayon. At sa hinaharap, marami ka pang maaring mapagkakakitaan.
... hindi nga ikaw ang pinakamagaling sa kahit isang aspeto, pero magaling ka sa lahat ng aspeto. Magtanong ka sa paligid mo.
... kaya ka nga gumagasta nang malaking halaga sa iyong tuition fee sa pag-aaral ng musika dahil iyon ang gusto mong mangyari sa sarili mo. Gusto mong maging tunay na musikero. Kaya kung ano pa ang sabihin nila na sa siyensya ka na lang, huwag mo silang pansinin. Gumasta ka na nang malaki, panindigan mo na yan.
... nakakatrabaho ka pa rin kahit tamad ka. Hindi man ikaw ang pinaka-efficient na tao sa daigdig, may kahulugan naman ang iyong mga ginagawa. Magaganda ang mga output mo. At hindi ka plastik, hindi ka nagtratrabaho para ma-please ang ibang tao, mga amo mo, kundi para makatapos ng magandang proyekto. Inuuna mo ang kalidad. At may nagsasabi na ang mga matatalino ay tamad, kaya tama lang yan.
... natural ang mawalan ng kaibigan. Hindi mo kailangan ng masyadong maraming BFF's, sapat na ang kung anong meron ka ngayon. Hindi mo kailangan ng fans club. Ika nga sa core values ng SIC, Simplicity, social commitment... (makaka-relate ang mga taga-SIC hehe). At sa mga kaibigan mong nawala sa iyo at sinasabing papansin ka, pahabol, patunayan mong wala ka na talagang balak pang mapansin pa.
... pinili mong maging mapag-isa sapagkat alam mo ang kahihinatnan ng may kabiyak ka. Kaya ka loser sa pag-ibig ay dahil kinundisyon mo na ang iyong sarili na hindi ka pinanganak para doon. At magaling kang magkondisyon ng sarili. Kung maalala mo ay ginusto mo nga magpari, hindi ba?
... emotero din ang mga tao sa paligid mo. Maaarte, mga pikon, kunwari matitigas pero malalambot. Nakuha mo lang ang ugaling yan sa kanila, at mas malala pa sila sa iyo.
... there is always room for improvement and change is inevitable. Ngayon lang yan.
Saturday, August 01, 2009
Depresyon at Alta Presyon
Kapag tinopak ka nga naman sa harap ng computer... maiisipan mong mag-blog sa gitna ng napakaraming dapat mong gawin.
Una sa lahat, nakikiramay ako sa pagkamatay ng dating Pangulong Corazon C. Aquino.
Dinalaw ako ng lungkot sa aking pag-iisip ngayong gabi. Malungkot hindi dahil single ako (at hindi ko na dapat pa sinasabi 'yon) kundi dahil tila walang patutunguhan ang mga pagsusumikap ko. Tungkol sa aking pag-aaral ng epidemyolohiya, naiinip na ako sa paghinihintay sa pahintulot ng isang batikang doktor na may-ari ng datos na aking gagamitin. Sa hanay naman ng musika, ramdam ko na wala akong silbing mag-aaral ng musika hangga't hindi ko ipagpatuloy ang pag-aaral ng byulin o piano. Malungkot dahil pakiramdam ko ay kahit anong seryoso ang aking gawin sa aking pag-aaral, tila hilaw ang aking mga natutunan.
Tila dumagdag sa bigat ng aking dibdib ang nalalapit na pag-alis ng aking dating guro sa byulin. Kahit hindi man niya sabihin kung kailan siya aalis, ramdam na namin na malapit na nga iyon, at sa bawat araw na inaantabay ko ang panahong iyon, lalong lumalabo ang hinagap ko sa kinabukasan ng SICCO. Ano na lang ang magiging kalagayan ko bilang isang miyembro ng SICCO? Kahit masakit ay naisip kong umalis na sa pangkat dahil hindi na umuusad ang aking kakayahan. Sa aking pasyang unahin munang tapusin ang kurso sa epidemyolohiya, Nabibinbin ang aking mithiing makausad sa aking musika.
At sa pagbigat ng aking dibdib sa siya namang pagbigat ng aking ulo, sa bawat buwan na lumipas ay lumalapit ang aking ama at nagbabadyang kailangan kong mag-ambag sa pantustos sa pang-araw-araw naming gastusin. Wala pa akong trabaho, at hindi pa ako dapat maghanap. Marahil ay nasindak ako sa aking karanasan sa dati kong pinasukan, na ayoko nang magpaalipin pa sa isang amo sa isang opisina. Ayoko na. Kahit na ako ay nakapagtapos ng kolehiyo, ayokong magtrabaho sa paraang gusto nila. At itong prinsipyong ito ang humahatak sa akin pababa, at humuhugot ng malaking halaga sa aking ipon sa bangko.
At sa gitna ng lahat ng ito, nagpapasalamat ako sa mga matatapat na kaibigang palaging nasa aking tabi, mapasa-PhilCAT man, CPH o SIC, o maging dati kong mga matalik na kaibigan, maraming salamat sa inyong suporta. Kahit mayroong bumabagabag sa akin, nagagawa ko pa ring gumising sa umaga at harapin ang mga pagsubok sa buhay.
Marahil ay kailangan ko muli ng konting pahinga.
Una sa lahat, nakikiramay ako sa pagkamatay ng dating Pangulong Corazon C. Aquino.
Dinalaw ako ng lungkot sa aking pag-iisip ngayong gabi. Malungkot hindi dahil single ako (at hindi ko na dapat pa sinasabi 'yon) kundi dahil tila walang patutunguhan ang mga pagsusumikap ko. Tungkol sa aking pag-aaral ng epidemyolohiya, naiinip na ako sa paghinihintay sa pahintulot ng isang batikang doktor na may-ari ng datos na aking gagamitin. Sa hanay naman ng musika, ramdam ko na wala akong silbing mag-aaral ng musika hangga't hindi ko ipagpatuloy ang pag-aaral ng byulin o piano. Malungkot dahil pakiramdam ko ay kahit anong seryoso ang aking gawin sa aking pag-aaral, tila hilaw ang aking mga natutunan.
Tila dumagdag sa bigat ng aking dibdib ang nalalapit na pag-alis ng aking dating guro sa byulin. Kahit hindi man niya sabihin kung kailan siya aalis, ramdam na namin na malapit na nga iyon, at sa bawat araw na inaantabay ko ang panahong iyon, lalong lumalabo ang hinagap ko sa kinabukasan ng SICCO. Ano na lang ang magiging kalagayan ko bilang isang miyembro ng SICCO? Kahit masakit ay naisip kong umalis na sa pangkat dahil hindi na umuusad ang aking kakayahan. Sa aking pasyang unahin munang tapusin ang kurso sa epidemyolohiya, Nabibinbin ang aking mithiing makausad sa aking musika.
At sa pagbigat ng aking dibdib sa siya namang pagbigat ng aking ulo, sa bawat buwan na lumipas ay lumalapit ang aking ama at nagbabadyang kailangan kong mag-ambag sa pantustos sa pang-araw-araw naming gastusin. Wala pa akong trabaho, at hindi pa ako dapat maghanap. Marahil ay nasindak ako sa aking karanasan sa dati kong pinasukan, na ayoko nang magpaalipin pa sa isang amo sa isang opisina. Ayoko na. Kahit na ako ay nakapagtapos ng kolehiyo, ayokong magtrabaho sa paraang gusto nila. At itong prinsipyong ito ang humahatak sa akin pababa, at humuhugot ng malaking halaga sa aking ipon sa bangko.
At sa gitna ng lahat ng ito, nagpapasalamat ako sa mga matatapat na kaibigang palaging nasa aking tabi, mapasa-PhilCAT man, CPH o SIC, o maging dati kong mga matalik na kaibigan, maraming salamat sa inyong suporta. Kahit mayroong bumabagabag sa akin, nagagawa ko pa ring gumising sa umaga at harapin ang mga pagsubok sa buhay.
Marahil ay kailangan ko muli ng konting pahinga.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Crazy-Genius
Our music theory professor, Miss Celine Pil, told us that there's a thin line between genuis and "loka-loka." Wala lang. Gusto ko lang ibahagi. Nakatuwa hehehe.
I'm a full student this semester. Well, more specifically a part-time music BM/MA Music Education student with two overlapping Choral Arranging subjects, and a part-time supposedly-thesis-finishing MS Epidemiology student. Crazy-genius.
Last Saturday, the chamber had a formal internal audition for leadership. I intentionally failed it, knowing subconsciously that I should not dream of being a principal violinist – not yet. But I was depressed when I got the lowest score, with some thinking that I should leave behind my whims for a while and set things straight with my priority.
I know at the back of my head that I am not a full-fledged musician, because I study but not fully practice music. In our recent Choral Arranging class, Sister Emilita was stressing that everyone in the class is a good pianist, except for me, who has a “special talent” – a fusion of numbers and music daw. I was glad at one side, feeling special, but on the other hand I was frowning, frustrated to be a good performer may it be in violin or piano.
For that class, I was able to compose a 32-measure, five-four time signature Phrygian Canon with a major third (for non-music readers, I just composed something) but I could not play it in the piano, so I used Finale (a music composition software) to generate the music for me and saved it in my cell phone. The class was somewhat impressed, of course, for what I did was something innovative, since last week they had been trying very hard to play their compositions. But I think that they think that I somewhat cheated. True enough, so in the end everyone will be submitting a composition, played by the computer and saved as MP3. Neat.
But I admit that I will be lost without music. I would be drowning with boredom in my work in data and research, or would simply be satisfied admiring music at a distance, while toiling myself to a non-artistic work. I imagine that I could have lost my good ways and be too “liberal” or "cynical" about everything in life, had I not known music as I know it now.
So I’ll keep everything as it is, no matter how crazy-genius it is. I am used to being out of focus since college days, with Public Health and Journalism as dual concentration back then. It’s Epidemiology and Music now. I did it then so I will definitely surpass this now.
I know it’s a perennial issue for me, but believe me I was really getting crazier by the minute.
But I’m okay now. I have written the craziness down.
I'm a full student this semester. Well, more specifically a part-time music BM/MA Music Education student with two overlapping Choral Arranging subjects, and a part-time supposedly-thesis-finishing MS Epidemiology student. Crazy-genius.
Last Saturday, the chamber had a formal internal audition for leadership. I intentionally failed it, knowing subconsciously that I should not dream of being a principal violinist – not yet. But I was depressed when I got the lowest score, with some thinking that I should leave behind my whims for a while and set things straight with my priority.
I know at the back of my head that I am not a full-fledged musician, because I study but not fully practice music. In our recent Choral Arranging class, Sister Emilita was stressing that everyone in the class is a good pianist, except for me, who has a “special talent” – a fusion of numbers and music daw. I was glad at one side, feeling special, but on the other hand I was frowning, frustrated to be a good performer may it be in violin or piano.
For that class, I was able to compose a 32-measure, five-four time signature Phrygian Canon with a major third (for non-music readers, I just composed something) but I could not play it in the piano, so I used Finale (a music composition software) to generate the music for me and saved it in my cell phone. The class was somewhat impressed, of course, for what I did was something innovative, since last week they had been trying very hard to play their compositions. But I think that they think that I somewhat cheated. True enough, so in the end everyone will be submitting a composition, played by the computer and saved as MP3. Neat.
But I admit that I will be lost without music. I would be drowning with boredom in my work in data and research, or would simply be satisfied admiring music at a distance, while toiling myself to a non-artistic work. I imagine that I could have lost my good ways and be too “liberal” or "cynical" about everything in life, had I not known music as I know it now.
So I’ll keep everything as it is, no matter how crazy-genius it is. I am used to being out of focus since college days, with Public Health and Journalism as dual concentration back then. It’s Epidemiology and Music now. I did it then so I will definitely surpass this now.
I know it’s a perennial issue for me, but believe me I was really getting crazier by the minute.
But I’m okay now. I have written the craziness down.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Back to Blogging
It's been like centuries since I last wrote a post. Probably because for two months I've had a whirlwind ride into worlds I thought I'd never encounter. With divine grace, I was able to visit more than 10 cities or towns in 5 countries. In Europe.
I got wet in the Geneva Lake water jet and allowed snow from the Alps to get in my underwear and melt there.
I let an old Swiss (or French) man in the flee market shout at us in disdain without talking back.
I got lost in the Vatican Museums as price for venturing alone on the vast country (Vatican City is a country) taking megabytes of photos, allowed or prohibited. I also almost got lost while exploring the three buildings of the Louvre under time constraint.
I almost bowed down upon seeing the Notre Dame at night for the first time. Same goes with the interior of the Basilica di San Pietro.
I had the best quality time with my Mom, especially when we clashed in the Eiffel Tower simply because I wanted to go downstairs from the second floor to the base and she didn’t.
I incarcerated myself and brainstormed on my future “consultancy firm” during our stay in my Mom’s childhood friend in Bad Friedrichshall, Germany.
I interviewed German WWII survivors, with Tita Letty (Mom’s friend) as the interpreter.
I jammed with my first violin teacher in a park and in the office of Genetic Epidemiology in Goettingen, Germany.
I watched a UP Manila Chorale concert where my BSPH friend and a Manila Collegian friend were also there.
Most of all, I had the best time with my aunt, uncle and cousins, from whom I owe this blessing.
And now I’m back to reality without any regrets. Sure, I’m bombarded with a lot of duties and responsibilities. I have a masters thesis to finish, music subjects to complete, attend and pay for, a concert to catch up for, a household to contribute for expenses in – but now I can say that I have a far better outlook in life. More focused? Not really.
I can also say that I had a taste of the impossible, with 10GB of pictures and videos as proof.
I got wet in the Geneva Lake water jet and allowed snow from the Alps to get in my underwear and melt there.
I let an old Swiss (or French) man in the flee market shout at us in disdain without talking back.
I got lost in the Vatican Museums as price for venturing alone on the vast country (Vatican City is a country) taking megabytes of photos, allowed or prohibited. I also almost got lost while exploring the three buildings of the Louvre under time constraint.
I almost bowed down upon seeing the Notre Dame at night for the first time. Same goes with the interior of the Basilica di San Pietro.
I had the best quality time with my Mom, especially when we clashed in the Eiffel Tower simply because I wanted to go downstairs from the second floor to the base and she didn’t.
I incarcerated myself and brainstormed on my future “consultancy firm” during our stay in my Mom’s childhood friend in Bad Friedrichshall, Germany.
I interviewed German WWII survivors, with Tita Letty (Mom’s friend) as the interpreter.
I jammed with my first violin teacher in a park and in the office of Genetic Epidemiology in Goettingen, Germany.
I watched a UP Manila Chorale concert where my BSPH friend and a Manila Collegian friend were also there.
Most of all, I had the best time with my aunt, uncle and cousins, from whom I owe this blessing.
And now I’m back to reality without any regrets. Sure, I’m bombarded with a lot of duties and responsibilities. I have a masters thesis to finish, music subjects to complete, attend and pay for, a concert to catch up for, a household to contribute for expenses in – but now I can say that I have a far better outlook in life. More focused? Not really.
I can also say that I had a taste of the impossible, with 10GB of pictures and videos as proof.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Another True-to-Life Movie...
... struck me, as any other life-moving stories did. Just when I was about to try to start working at 11:30 p.m., our TV downstairs was tuned to HBO, featuring "Freedom Writers," which tackles division and racism in an American classroom setting, and a teacher doing her job too well.
Whoah. Yun lang.
And it's too good to be true-to-life. I actually searched for the Freedom Writers Foundation and their book, the Freedom Writers Diary. It was there. It was true.
It struck me, well, because I share the same sentiments as a teacher, only Ms. Gruwell had worse. Racism and gangsters are not major problems in the country, well at least not in my small world. But division and distraction of students from personal lives that make them poor performers are issues here.
Ms. Gruwell's methods were unconventional, inefficient in resource use, but very effective in the long run. I want to be as good as her. Problem is, I'm not a literature teacher. I'm as statistics professor to music students. Nonetheless, she inspires me.
I remember the movie "Music of the Heart" with Meryl Streep - another depiction of a good teacher. And all I wanted to be was a good epidemiologist, and/or violinist.
Or maybe, just maybe, a teacher eventually.
Whoah. Yun lang.
And it's too good to be true-to-life. I actually searched for the Freedom Writers Foundation and their book, the Freedom Writers Diary. It was there. It was true.
It struck me, well, because I share the same sentiments as a teacher, only Ms. Gruwell had worse. Racism and gangsters are not major problems in the country, well at least not in my small world. But division and distraction of students from personal lives that make them poor performers are issues here.
Ms. Gruwell's methods were unconventional, inefficient in resource use, but very effective in the long run. I want to be as good as her. Problem is, I'm not a literature teacher. I'm as statistics professor to music students. Nonetheless, she inspires me.
I remember the movie "Music of the Heart" with Meryl Streep - another depiction of a good teacher. And all I wanted to be was a good epidemiologist, and/or violinist.
Or maybe, just maybe, a teacher eventually.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Halukay Ube
That's how an Isabelan friend described Sister Emelita's extraordinary sightreading powers. (Sightreading = playing/singing a musical piece while reading it for the first time). That's how I feel now. Halukay ube.
I'm in high spirits primarily because I'm out of my dreaded full-time work. Now, I have more time for myself and for setting my priorities straight. I'm also gratified for a lot of things that came this first quarter: SICCO's second Baroque concert, SIC Music Department's Baguio retreat, my approved Shengen and UK visa, opportunity to work with WHO, among others. But most of all, I am thrilled to prepare for the trip of my life - out of the country, to the womb of Western civilization.
But some things bother me a lot. First, I am now a bum, and I don't feel to have the capacity to set priorities. I still have a lot of things to work hard on - my masters thesis, to top them all. I am also burdened as a music student and statistics professor, taking and giving exams this week. And of course, my perennial problem with research consultancies, not to mention the pressure of delivering outputs well to WHO. I think I really am out of focus.
Aside from my cumbersome tasks, some inexplicable things disturb me - perhaps the anxiety about my future, again. Or this time, more of the future of those who are close to me.
The chamber will be left out with a new teacher in August, and I still haven't revived my intensive violin training (to think I was recently promoted to violin 1). I also don't know whether Sister Emelita is pleased with my performance as statistics professor this semester so she would allow me to continue teaching. But what's more bothering is everything changes in a blink of an eye inSanta Isabel , and a slight change means a lot not only to me but to everyone: the scholars, the students, me. So as I teach my students concepts of probability, chances of change are high, and the measure of consequences is unknown.
My former PhilCAT officemates would also be facing difficulties in the months to come, given the drastics changes in the office setup. Suffice it to say, they would be more overworked and less motivated. I couldn't care less even though I'm out, simply because I felt bad for them. I left partly because of the faulty system, and they should be out, too. So every now and then I still visit them in the office, just to say hello and listen to rants.
But what bothers me most is my own future. What will become of me? I just let things happen, go with the flow, decide on taking risks and stick to decisions. But some things are too overwhelming for me now. I am not only speaking of career choices, but of my personal future. And the mystery is distressing.
When I come back from where I will be going, what new world will I face?
I'm in high spirits primarily because I'm out of my dreaded full-time work. Now, I have more time for myself and for setting my priorities straight. I'm also gratified for a lot of things that came this first quarter: SICCO's second Baroque concert, SIC Music Department's Baguio retreat, my approved Shengen and UK visa, opportunity to work with WHO, among others. But most of all, I am thrilled to prepare for the trip of my life - out of the country, to the womb of Western civilization.
But some things bother me a lot. First, I am now a bum, and I don't feel to have the capacity to set priorities. I still have a lot of things to work hard on - my masters thesis, to top them all. I am also burdened as a music student and statistics professor, taking and giving exams this week. And of course, my perennial problem with research consultancies, not to mention the pressure of delivering outputs well to WHO. I think I really am out of focus.
Aside from my cumbersome tasks, some inexplicable things disturb me - perhaps the anxiety about my future, again. Or this time, more of the future of those who are close to me.
The chamber will be left out with a new teacher in August, and I still haven't revived my intensive violin training (to think I was recently promoted to violin 1). I also don't know whether Sister Emelita is pleased with my performance as statistics professor this semester so she would allow me to continue teaching. But what's more bothering is everything changes in a blink of an eye in
My former PhilCAT officemates would also be facing difficulties in the months to come, given the drastics changes in the office setup. Suffice it to say, they would be more overworked and less motivated. I couldn't care less even though I'm out, simply because I felt bad for them. I left partly because of the faulty system, and they should be out, too. So every now and then I still visit them in the office, just to say hello and listen to rants.
But what bothers me most is my own future. What will become of me? I just let things happen, go with the flow, decide on taking risks and stick to decisions. But some things are too overwhelming for me now. I am not only speaking of career choices, but of my personal future. And the mystery is distressing.
When I come back from where I will be going, what new world will I face?
Friday, January 02, 2009
Major Friend Problems
I swallow the fact that I have problems in keeping my friends, old and new.
My mom mentioned about my childhood family balikbayan friends having "tampo" with me and my brother because of loss of communication and our lack of effort to see them on their visit here in the Philippines last year. I heard my mom talking to them a while ago but I was not called to greet them - looks obvious enough. This one, however, is rooted from sensitive family matters, so enough said.
I'm also having concerns with my associations with my past college friends. Responding to invitations to go out with them seemed too much of an effort for me. It would either be that I had no cellphone load to reply, I had so much work to do, or I simply didn't want to get out. This one, sadly, is partly rooted in another sensitive personal matter, so enough said.
High school reunions? Let's not even dwelve there.
I had a dinner with my music classmate and my teacher, discussing best friends. The talk went to asking me whether I have someone whom I can call "my only best friend," in its strictest sense. I said none. I don't believe that I marked someone on his/her forehead "Charvie's BFF" and vice versa. And even the derivative "best of friends" is not applicable to me. Don't get me wrong; I have close friends but of different origins. One considers me his best friend but has another best friend whom I had no prior relations with, so it doesn't count.
Speaking of close friends, I'm also having problems with that definition. I have no effort whatsoever to contact them, so if they don't call me, it's over.
What they don't understand is that this is becoming a chronic disease. My relationship with people are deteriorating right in front of me, and I'm not doing anything about it. I think I'm gracefully attaining the "anti-social enlightenment."
I can not blame my work that inhumanizes me, for others can do my job and hang out in between. I can not blame my family, who individually have their own social lives and doing well with them. I absolutely can't blame music, hell no! Music made me human through the recent years. Perhaps it's that book, Ayn Rand's "The Fountainhead" that molded me the way I am now.
I guess the song "Through the Years" by Kenny Rogers doesn't apply to me at all.
I think I'm too efficient in becoming so independent that I'm losing my need of friends.
It scares me. I don't wan't to be alone in the end.
Or do I?
My mom mentioned about my childhood family balikbayan friends having "tampo" with me and my brother because of loss of communication and our lack of effort to see them on their visit here in the Philippines last year. I heard my mom talking to them a while ago but I was not called to greet them - looks obvious enough. This one, however, is rooted from sensitive family matters, so enough said.
I'm also having concerns with my associations with my past college friends. Responding to invitations to go out with them seemed too much of an effort for me. It would either be that I had no cellphone load to reply, I had so much work to do, or I simply didn't want to get out. This one, sadly, is partly rooted in another sensitive personal matter, so enough said.
High school reunions? Let's not even dwelve there.
I had a dinner with my music classmate and my teacher, discussing best friends. The talk went to asking me whether I have someone whom I can call "my only best friend," in its strictest sense. I said none. I don't believe that I marked someone on his/her forehead "Charvie's BFF" and vice versa. And even the derivative "best of friends" is not applicable to me. Don't get me wrong; I have close friends but of different origins. One considers me his best friend but has another best friend whom I had no prior relations with, so it doesn't count.
Speaking of close friends, I'm also having problems with that definition. I have no effort whatsoever to contact them, so if they don't call me, it's over.
What they don't understand is that this is becoming a chronic disease. My relationship with people are deteriorating right in front of me, and I'm not doing anything about it. I think I'm gracefully attaining the "anti-social enlightenment."
I can not blame my work that inhumanizes me, for others can do my job and hang out in between. I can not blame my family, who individually have their own social lives and doing well with them. I absolutely can't blame music, hell no! Music made me human through the recent years. Perhaps it's that book, Ayn Rand's "The Fountainhead" that molded me the way I am now.
I guess the song "Through the Years" by Kenny Rogers doesn't apply to me at all.
I think I'm too efficient in becoming so independent that I'm losing my need of friends.
It scares me. I don't wan't to be alone in the end.
Or do I?
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