No Coffee This Time

Yep. Just clouds.

Had my 6th stick. Caused me chest pain. Made tears in my eye.

I don’t know. Maybe the unmet deadlines. Or the anxiety for tomorrow’s session.

Or the future loss of my beloved cat. Currently embracing him. Will be gone tomorrow.

To miss you.

Wanna make a sonnet for Nge-Nge, but too groggy for that.

The violin perhaps.

Maybe the sad songs.

Or the loss.

I love you.

Goodbye.

Just Kidding

Kids easily grow up.

I just saw my cousin’s note in my room. It mentioned that they were leaving our house, requesting me to copy a CD game for her and hoping I would join them in our weekend trip in Lucban. Unfortunately, I had a project to finish in my professor’s house that weekend so I wasn’t able to keep my promise to join them. Somehow I regretted that I took the project and could not commit to my family duties, specifically as “Kuyang” to my cousins. I wanted to join them and have the best hours together while they (Sophia and Roxanne) are still kids. They will be back in Geneva after a couple of days.

Somehow I realize that they are not kids anymore. A few years back, they were only writing scribbles on pieces of paper, forming letters as toddlers. But now, they can communicate very well, not only in Filipino and in English but in French too (voila!). After a few years, Roxanne will be in college and Sophia will graduate hopefully as an environmental biologist. I, on the other hand, am now working like a dog in research and hopefully will finish my masters degree soon.

I wrote in my essays that I wanted to be a very good epidemiologist saving the world from pandemics. In reality, I still wanted to be a kid and remain that way. My negligence and my poor work ethics manifest just that. The reason why I do not want to get stuck in a full-time job is that I still want to be free from commitments and enjoy the things kids love.

Spending the weekend at my boss’ house, I observed her three-year-old son jerking around. He’s growing up gracefully and really fast. He’s quite charming for a menacing kid, and my professor adores her little precious. I think I share that adoration. It keeps coming to me whether I will have my own child. What would he, or she, look like? Will he/she look like his/her gorgeous dad? Only God knows. But I do love kids.

I’m now in my room enjoying the company of cigarettes, a cup of coffee and a playlist of mellow music. They are indicators of my age, perhaps my adulthood but not maturity. Somehow, I could not trace how I grew up from a loud brat to a loud adult. I only remember other faces that contribute to my experiences but my image as a growing kid is just puzzling to me. I grew up fast too, just like my cousins, my boss’ son and, well, my cat. I fear that I grew up so fast leaving behind what I should have gained in the process. Or maybe I just miss the experiences I already gained. I don’t know.

What I know is I can’t go back. I have made things that have barricaded me from being a kid. Besides, I savor very much the things only adults should enjoy, if you know what I mean (harhar just kidding). Like they said, “You win some, you lose some.”

But I like being a kid more. To have a kid’s perspective in life – idealistic, full of hopes, carefree, desiring unconditionally, cherishing the company of “other kids” – is just what I want best.

The project will finish soon and I look forward to have a time to kid around again. My soul searching will always consider what I want as a kid. I may not be or can’t be a kid anymore, but I can act as one. And I’ll do just that.

Hay, masarap maging bata.

Anyway, gabi na, meme na.

Career Calamity Ver #$%@?

I'm currently in a dilemma whether I should "retire" as a researcher to become an artist.

I'm currently working as a research associate in a TB project, and I admit I suck at doing my work. As of now, I neither have the capacity nor the attitude to organize research materials. Hay... iresponsableng bata. If not for my gorgeous looks and acts of humility, I would have been exterminated ages ago. But no, despite my disorganized character, my Boss Mira had to extend my contract and even create a new one for their other project. Rather, if not for my masters units, I would have not retained my income-generating activities. True enough, being a statistician and an epidemiologist has its gains.

I believe I have become too exhausted in my research and statistical work. Aside from my full-time work, I had to meet a lot of clients for consultancy in their research. I had met several UST doctors who are willing to meet me, an amateur researcher. Although I gain much experience in handling my "clients," i can't say as of now that this is not my calling. Perhaps it's because my time and efforts are divided by my soul searching. Kasi naman, pa-enroll-enroll pa sa violin, ayan tuloy...

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, kinarir ko po ang byulin.

I have been attending violin sessions with my charming teacher since early this year. Sometimes, he keeps on reiterating that I have poor practice habits, that I have to practice some more. "Sayang ang panahon at tuition mo," he always says. Hay. Since I am enrolled and committed to attend and practice for my please-don't-ask-how-much sessions, I can not afford to stay focused on my real work. And since my work is not yet over, I also can't afford to focus on my violin endeavors. Arrgh. Hiwa-hiwang diwa.

And it doesn't end there. Making me believe that I have the potential of becoming a full-fledged violinist, my teacher encouraged me to attend the orchestra extension classes (in which he is still the teacher). Ayan, dagdag effort. But I had no regrets on this one. I have now the opportunity to have a feel of being in a symphony orchestra, which I thought would only be in my imagination. Honestly, being with a group of musicians feels greeeeaaaaat. Even is the composition of the chamber orchestra are merely beginner violin pupils, it feels like I'm in a big set filled with assorted instruments. Feels like heaven ba.

Well, plus the fact I have met new friends with a common interest, which is rubbing our own instruments harhar.

I remember the first time my boss asked how i was doing in my work, I simply answered, "Mam, mag-viviolin na lang po ako." Harhar.

Or maybe I'm willing to give up research work for music. I don't know. As of now, I'm torn.