Major Friend Problems

I swallow the fact that I have problems in keeping my friends, old and new.

My mom mentioned about my childhood family balikbayan friends having "tampo" with me and my brother because of loss of communication and our lack of effort to see them on their visit here in the Philippines last year. I heard my mom talking to them a while ago but I was not called to greet them - looks obvious enough. This one, however, is rooted from sensitive family matters, so enough said.

I'm also having concerns with my associations with my past college friends. Responding to invitations to go out with them seemed too much of an effort for me. It would either be that I had no cellphone load to reply, I had so much work to do, or I simply didn't want to get out. This one, sadly, is partly rooted in another sensitive personal matter, so enough said.

High school reunions? Let's not even dwelve there.

I had a dinner with my music classmate and my teacher, discussing best friends. The talk went to asking me whether I have someone whom I can call "my only best friend," in its strictest sense. I said none. I don't believe that I marked someone on his/her forehead "Charvie's BFF" and vice versa. And even the derivative "best of friends" is not applicable to me. Don't get me wrong; I have close friends but of different origins. One considers me his best friend but has another best friend whom I had no prior relations with, so it doesn't count.

Speaking of close friends, I'm also having problems with that definition. I have no effort whatsoever to contact them, so if they don't call me, it's over.

What they don't understand is that this is becoming a chronic disease. My relationship with people are deteriorating right in front of me, and I'm not doing anything about it. I think I'm gracefully attaining the "anti-social enlightenment."

I can not blame my work that inhumanizes me, for others can do my job and hang out in between. I can not blame my family, who individually have their own social lives and doing well with them. I absolutely can't blame music, hell no! Music made me human through the recent years. Perhaps it's that book, Ayn Rand's "The Fountainhead" that molded me the way I am now.

I guess the song "Through the Years" by Kenny Rogers doesn't apply to me at all.

I think I'm too efficient in becoming so independent that I'm losing my need of friends.

It scares me. I don't wan't to be alone in the end.

Or do I?