Another True-to-Life Movie...

... struck me, as any other life-moving stories did. Just when I was about to try to start working at 11:30 p.m., our TV downstairs was tuned to HBO, featuring "Freedom Writers," which tackles division and racism in an American classroom setting, and a teacher doing her job too well.

Whoah. Yun lang.

And it's too good to be true-to-life. I actually searched for the Freedom Writers Foundation and their book, the Freedom Writers Diary. It was there. It was true.

It struck me, well, because I share the same sentiments as a teacher, only Ms. Gruwell had worse. Racism and gangsters are not major problems in the country, well at least not in my small world. But division and distraction of students from personal lives that make them poor performers are issues here.

Ms. Gruwell's methods were unconventional, inefficient in resource use, but very effective in the long run. I want to be as good as her. Problem is, I'm not a literature teacher. I'm as statistics professor to music students. Nonetheless, she inspires me.

I remember the movie "Music of the Heart" with Meryl Streep - another depiction of a good teacher. And all I wanted to be was a good epidemiologist, and/or violinist.

Or maybe, just maybe, a teacher eventually.

Halukay Ube

That's how an Isabelan friend described Sister Emelita's extraordinary sightreading powers. (Sightreading = playing/singing a musical piece while reading it for the first time). That's how I feel now. Halukay ube.

I'm in high spirits primarily because I'm out of my dreaded full-time work. Now, I have more time for myself and for setting my priorities straight. I'm also gratified for a lot of things that came this first quarter: SICCO's second Baroque concert, SIC Music Department's Baguio retreat, my approved Shengen and UK visa, opportunity to work with WHO, among others. But most of all, I am thrilled to prepare for the trip of my life - out of the country, to the womb of Western civilization.

But some things bother me a lot. First, I am now a bum, and I don't feel to have the capacity to set priorities. I still have a lot of things to work hard on - my masters thesis, to top them all. I am also burdened as a music student and statistics professor, taking and giving exams this week. And of course, my perennial problem with research consultancies, not to mention the pressure of delivering outputs well to WHO. I think I really am out of focus.

Aside from my cumbersome tasks, some inexplicable things disturb me - perhaps the anxiety about my future, again. Or this time, more of the future of those who are close to me.

The chamber will be left out with a new teacher in August, and I still haven't revived my intensive violin training (to think I was recently promoted to violin 1). I also don't know whether Sister Emelita is pleased with my performance as statistics professor this semester so she would allow me to continue teaching. But what's more bothering is everything changes in a blink of an eye in Santa Isabel, and a slight change means a lot not only to me but to everyone: the scholars, the students, me. So as I teach my students concepts of probability, chances of change are high, and the measure of consequences is unknown.

My former PhilCAT officemates would also be facing difficulties in the months to come, given the drastics changes in the office setup. Suffice it to say, they would be more overworked and less motivated. I couldn't care less even though I'm out, simply because I felt bad for them. I left partly because of the faulty system, and they should be out, too. So every now and then I still visit them in the office, just to say hello and listen to rants.

But what bothers me most is my own future. What will become of me? I just let things happen, go with the flow, decide on taking risks and stick to decisions. But some things are too overwhelming for me now. I am not only speaking of career choices, but of my personal future. And the mystery is distressing.

When I come back from where I will be going, what new world will I face?