Burara kasi ako. It simply means my cage is too messy that cleaning it on my own would take at least 2 days to finish, no matter how small it is, with less than 3-single-bed floor capacity. My window is facing the polluted street of Sto. Tomas, so I could plant any rootcrop in my room after months of stagnation. And as I age, my trash multiplies and ages with me. What I hate the most is my unreasonably dragging attention to my trash.
Over the years, it has been my room-cleaning tradition to browse through my old and new trash for a very long time and judge whether to keep or discard them. This time, my trash included handouts from my college and masters classes, not to mention my college books and high school materials that I kept over the years, if not decades (They're trash in a sense that they're unorganized bulks of paper scattered all over my room). I remember every detail of what the materials remind me of - from Public Health subjects to our fieldwork report (that kicked asses by the way) to Epidemiology courses and outbreak investigation.
They were good memories so vivid that I started to smile. Actually, I was starting to forget that I was a public health worker and an aspiring epidemiologist, with all these grudges with my current work and my attention given to music as a course. Then this...
I also saw some newspapers from my grade school and high school years, but not college newspapers when I made good in journalism. Perhaps I intended not to keep them, sparing me from another cause of anguish.
All these remind me of my current status in life - free of choice. Before, I had to accomplish compelling requirements, such as finishing high school and landing on a good university. And my previous thinking was I must finish whatever course I took in college, then get a good job. I did all that. In fact, I have a good job now, only to find myself itching to get out of it, during the times of global crisis. In other words, I can do whatever I want with my life now, without boundaries.
Once I wanted to be a doctor, then an epidemiologist, now a musician. It made me sad. I feel that I am irrationally leaving a big part of who I wanted to be, wasting all my knowledge and skills I gained for a very long time, just like that. And aside from making myself a one-of-a-kind freak (a public health musician, who would have thought..?), it made me stay out of focus on my future.
I hate cleaning my room because it takes me back to the past, remembering and digesting what I have done over the recent years.
But still I'm cleaning, and will proceed in my day two - probably the last day.
Kung may katulong lang ako...
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
My Pre-Christmas '08 Experience...
...was a bit crazy yet absolutely gratifying.
It was in our office Christmas party that I applied my skills in choral arranging for the first time. I arranged Don Moen's "Our Father" chorus part into four voices, upon my suggestion and my officemates' request.
Here is the original music from Youtube. Listen to the chorus:
Now here is my choral arrangement (with the help of Finale). This one has voice "oohs" to have a cool effect. Check this out:
I think this one, with choir "aahs", has clearer chords, so you can listen to the chord progressions:
Unfortunately, we weren't able to record the actual performance.
Aside from that, I had participated in the toxic activities of the school and the chamber. I joined the Santa Isabel College students sang and played for the simbang gabi at the PGH Chapel last Saturday. It was a bit weird for me as an alumnus of the campus, but the feeling was not that intense, since the colleges and the hospital are "physically" divided. And besides, no one whom I know in the campus was there, so it's only like being in "another church performance."
Also, I also joined the SICCO in our "mall tour" in the different SM branches: Sta. Rosa, North EDSA (I wasn't present here), Fairview and Megamall in three weeks time. The last one, in Megamall last Sunday, Dec. 21, was the best, although the time was a bit unfavorable because some of us were committed to perform in a simbang gabi with the Vox Angelicum in the Our Lady of Hope Parish a few hours after, at Monday dawn.
What's great about all these toxicities was the funny company of crazy musicians in the caravan. Ang saya, grabe! I might post pictures soon.
I was a bit guilty that I didn't prepare presents for people, and even not able to attend other social gatherings. But nah, I'm preoccupied enjoying to work my new crowd now, and we offer better gifts! Someday I will make up for all the shortcomings, perhaps I will include that in my New Year's resolutions.
So that's it for now. Merry Christmas everyone! And I mean everyone!
It was in our office Christmas party that I applied my skills in choral arranging for the first time. I arranged Don Moen's "Our Father" chorus part into four voices, upon my suggestion and my officemates' request.
Here is the original music from Youtube. Listen to the chorus:
Now here is my choral arrangement (with the help of Finale). This one has voice "oohs" to have a cool effect. Check this out:
I think this one, with choir "aahs", has clearer chords, so you can listen to the chord progressions:
Unfortunately, we weren't able to record the actual performance.
Aside from that, I had participated in the toxic activities of the school and the chamber. I joined the Santa Isabel College students sang and played for the simbang gabi at the PGH Chapel last Saturday. It was a bit weird for me as an alumnus of the campus, but the feeling was not that intense, since the colleges and the hospital are "physically" divided. And besides, no one whom I know in the campus was there, so it's only like being in "another church performance."
Also, I also joined the SICCO in our "mall tour" in the different SM branches: Sta. Rosa, North EDSA (I wasn't present here), Fairview and Megamall in three weeks time. The last one, in Megamall last Sunday, Dec. 21, was the best, although the time was a bit unfavorable because some of us were committed to perform in a simbang gabi with the Vox Angelicum in the Our Lady of Hope Parish a few hours after, at Monday dawn.
What's great about all these toxicities was the funny company of crazy musicians in the caravan. Ang saya, grabe! I might post pictures soon.
I was a bit guilty that I didn't prepare presents for people, and even not able to attend other social gatherings. But nah, I'm preoccupied enjoying to work my new crowd now, and we offer better gifts! Someday I will make up for all the shortcomings, perhaps I will include that in my New Year's resolutions.
So that's it for now. Merry Christmas everyone! And I mean everyone!
Friday, December 05, 2008
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Second First Day as Professor
No, you've read it right. It was my second first day last Saturday. Most classes officially started that day, so I'd say it was my first day too - second first day, that's correct.
And on my second first day, I have learned a lot as a "professor."
Lesson 1: Classes are unpredictable at first week, and the consequences never cease to surprise me.
After attending my dictation and theory classes (that switched schedules by the way), I was approached by a masters student, Sister Belen, who asked for the schedule of my Statistics class for masters. I was stunned by the idea, and upon approaching Ate Jean (Music Dept. Secretary) without saying anything, she told me right away, "Ay Charvs, may klase ka ng Stat sa masters, 11-12."
I didn't know I will handle masters students. And the students keep on coming. Last week was also a blow, finding out that my undergraduate class is a mixture of students with different courses, which is beyond my expectations.
Coming from the world of high predictability, I honestly appreciate these surprises, especially from Ate Jean. I also noticed that the faculty and students do not complain when mix-up surprises like these happen. Imagine riding on a horror roller coaster, where in between thriller loops, upon catching your breath, Ate Jean would pop up and surprise you, "May klase ka ng 11-12!" It's fun! And very therapeutic. You should try it!
Lesson 2: Isabelans are really eager students. They just need the right "bombardment."
With painstaking nights of preparation, I gave my undergraduate students their first Stat lesson, Charvie-modified CPH[1] style. Some say it's the Sta. Maria technique (Miss April, my masters prof in music), but I'd say it's Charvie-modified-CPH-ok-somewhat-Sta. Maria-fine!-style. But it's my unique style, as it was packaged for music students: smart enough but not too technical. And I realized that in my first formal class, regardless of their notoriety of being uninterested students, especially in GE[2] subjects, I was able to effectively teach them something that is out of their league, during the most unholy hour of the day (around 1-3 pm).
Enough said.
Lesson 3: Hidden communication network there uses optic fiber as medium: rumors (more appropriately referred to as feedback) in Santa Isabel spead like wildfire.
A few hours after my class, the dean talked to me upon meeting her along the corridor. "Magaling ka man daw," she said. When asked who told her, she replied "yung mga estudyante." Eventually, later that afternoon, a professor said the same thing. I found out that the rumor came only from one source - one of my students.
I keep on saying, "Sa unang araw lang po, Sister... Uy, hindi naman po." I was flattered, of course, but not to the point of being carried away, thinking that my competence can only be measured by my students' retention of my subject. And who knows, perhaps along the way, I might inspire some students, music and non-music alike, to pursue on quantitative research.
Next week will be my third first day. This time, it's for the masters students, so it means a new, perhaps a more profound, philosophical approach. Let's see what will happen.
Lesson 4: If you can teach Statistics to Isabelan music students effectively, then you can teach anything to anyone.
Let's keep it at that.
And on my second first day, I have learned a lot as a "professor."
Lesson 1: Classes are unpredictable at first week, and the consequences never cease to surprise me.
After attending my dictation and theory classes (that switched schedules by the way), I was approached by a masters student, Sister Belen, who asked for the schedule of my Statistics class for masters. I was stunned by the idea, and upon approaching Ate Jean (Music Dept. Secretary) without saying anything, she told me right away, "Ay Charvs, may klase ka ng Stat sa masters, 11-12."
I didn't know I will handle masters students. And the students keep on coming. Last week was also a blow, finding out that my undergraduate class is a mixture of students with different courses, which is beyond my expectations.
Coming from the world of high predictability, I honestly appreciate these surprises, especially from Ate Jean. I also noticed that the faculty and students do not complain when mix-up surprises like these happen. Imagine riding on a horror roller coaster, where in between thriller loops, upon catching your breath, Ate Jean would pop up and surprise you, "May klase ka ng 11-12!" It's fun! And very therapeutic. You should try it!
Lesson 2: Isabelans are really eager students. They just need the right "bombardment."
With painstaking nights of preparation, I gave my undergraduate students their first Stat lesson, Charvie-modified CPH[1] style. Some say it's the Sta. Maria technique (Miss April, my masters prof in music), but I'd say it's Charvie-modified-CPH-ok-somewhat-Sta. Maria-fine!-style. But it's my unique style, as it was packaged for music students: smart enough but not too technical. And I realized that in my first formal class, regardless of their notoriety of being uninterested students, especially in GE[2] subjects, I was able to effectively teach them something that is out of their league, during the most unholy hour of the day (around 1-3 pm).
Enough said.
Lesson 3: Hidden communication network there uses optic fiber as medium: rumors (more appropriately referred to as feedback) in Santa Isabel spead like wildfire.
A few hours after my class, the dean talked to me upon meeting her along the corridor. "Magaling ka man daw," she said. When asked who told her, she replied "yung mga estudyante." Eventually, later that afternoon, a professor said the same thing. I found out that the rumor came only from one source - one of my students.
I keep on saying, "Sa unang araw lang po, Sister... Uy, hindi naman po." I was flattered, of course, but not to the point of being carried away, thinking that my competence can only be measured by my students' retention of my subject. And who knows, perhaps along the way, I might inspire some students, music and non-music alike, to pursue on quantitative research.
Next week will be my third first day. This time, it's for the masters students, so it means a new, perhaps a more profound, philosophical approach. Let's see what will happen.
Lesson 4: If you can teach Statistics to Isabelan music students effectively, then you can teach anything to anyone.
Let's keep it at that.
Footnotes:
[1] CPH = College of Public Health, UP Manila
[2] GE = General Education
Monday, November 10, 2008
First Class as a Professor
I was overwhelmed by this first experience. It was simply unbelieveable.
Last Saturday, I started to teach Statistics on college students in Santa Isabel. I thought at first that I was going to handle music students only, but it turned out that there are college students with majors in English or Marketing. But in general, I know how my students behave, as most of them are music students, my classmates. And when it comes to general education subjects like Statistics, let's just say they are not the most enthusiastic students you'll ever have. And setting my class at 1-4 o'clock in the afternoon, let's just say it is not the most exciting class you'll ever attend.
Everyone whom I encountered in the music department almost teased me, "Sir!" aggravating my anxiety. People knew I was terribly nervous.
I was advised that I should start my class next week, but with 11 students, I started anyway. I didn't have any teaching materials nor course outline, but I had a topic: Introduction to Statistics. I knew what to teach, I knew how to deliver it, but I was shaking. There was a time I literally shook off my nervousness in front of the class. I had explained what Statistics is, what it is for, to the point of explaining descriptive and inferential stat. I also discussed my class rules and expectations, the likes.
As I kept on going, I felt more comfortable, more like confident, in "talking my thing" in front of them, sitting in an armchair like a student, but with a tone of a professor. It's like natural.
The feedback came in minutes after. My co-members in the chamber (they were 4 out of 11 in the class: Ate Virgie, Jenny, Ivan and Carlo) gave most of the feedback: it was okay, my explanation was clear, I wasn't boring, sometimes I get blocked, I was better than other teachers. But my only concern was whether the students understood and retained my lecture.
My self-evaluation: not good enough.
I was told that teaching Statistics (more specifically, Biostatistics) in my old school wasn't good anymore, and here I am, teaching in Santa Isabel. Well, my old school didn't want the likes of me; they wanted either Statistics major graduates or MDs with background in Epidemiology, so why bother? Good thing Miss April recommended and Sister Emelita approved my intention to teach, a privilege given only to a few students in Santa Isabel. I just hope my old professors like Dr. Borja would be proud of me.
I knew that eventually in my lifetime I will be a professor. My childhood ambitions included being a teacher (among others like being a doctor, a priest, a magician) came somewhat true. And if the feedback says I was okay, then I bet I'd be a hell better that the first time.
Most classes there do not use visual aids except for the black/whiteboard. So Ate Jean (SIC Music Dept. Secretary), please ready the monitor next week, for they will experence statistics --- the Powerpoint style!
They'd better learn from me.
Last Saturday, I started to teach Statistics on college students in Santa Isabel. I thought at first that I was going to handle music students only, but it turned out that there are college students with majors in English or Marketing. But in general, I know how my students behave, as most of them are music students, my classmates. And when it comes to general education subjects like Statistics, let's just say they are not the most enthusiastic students you'll ever have. And setting my class at 1-4 o'clock in the afternoon, let's just say it is not the most exciting class you'll ever attend.
Everyone whom I encountered in the music department almost teased me, "Sir!" aggravating my anxiety. People knew I was terribly nervous.
I was advised that I should start my class next week, but with 11 students, I started anyway. I didn't have any teaching materials nor course outline, but I had a topic: Introduction to Statistics. I knew what to teach, I knew how to deliver it, but I was shaking. There was a time I literally shook off my nervousness in front of the class. I had explained what Statistics is, what it is for, to the point of explaining descriptive and inferential stat. I also discussed my class rules and expectations, the likes.
As I kept on going, I felt more comfortable, more like confident, in "talking my thing" in front of them, sitting in an armchair like a student, but with a tone of a professor. It's like natural.
The feedback came in minutes after. My co-members in the chamber (they were 4 out of 11 in the class: Ate Virgie, Jenny, Ivan and Carlo) gave most of the feedback: it was okay, my explanation was clear, I wasn't boring, sometimes I get blocked, I was better than other teachers. But my only concern was whether the students understood and retained my lecture.
My self-evaluation: not good enough.
I was told that teaching Statistics (more specifically, Biostatistics) in my old school wasn't good anymore, and here I am, teaching in Santa Isabel. Well, my old school didn't want the likes of me; they wanted either Statistics major graduates or MDs with background in Epidemiology, so why bother? Good thing Miss April recommended and Sister Emelita approved my intention to teach, a privilege given only to a few students in Santa Isabel. I just hope my old professors like Dr. Borja would be proud of me.
I knew that eventually in my lifetime I will be a professor. My childhood ambitions included being a teacher (among others like being a doctor, a priest, a magician) came somewhat true. And if the feedback says I was okay, then I bet I'd be a hell better that the first time.
Most classes there do not use visual aids except for the black/whiteboard. So Ate Jean (SIC Music Dept. Secretary), please ready the monitor next week, for they will experence statistics --- the Powerpoint style!
They'd better learn from me.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
DATADATADATA
I am an epidemiologist. For those who do not know, an epidemiologist studies disease frequencies and their associations. I am also a statistician to some doctors. A statistician in research provides results from raw data. In effect, I am also a research consultant, who gives advice to researchers. But the great bulk of my work deals with processing data. You know, generating tables, interpreting them - the likes.
I forge data into meaningful information like a blacksmith forging useful tools from an ore. In the lifestyle I am in now, I feed on, breathe and live for data. When I wake up, the first thing I think of is what data will I process and to which doctor will I give them. My eight-hour job dictates that I process and verify our office data. When I go to sleep, I sigh thinking of what pending data I had left for the next day to process. To give you a picture, I was once entertaining about five doctors with different data sets in one day while in PhilCAT office with its own data that I had to work on. So imagine how my mind works when a doctor calls and discusses his research on a particular disease to me then another consults a completely different topic, one after another.
I was hungry for data at first, thinking that data were goldmine for researchers, wombs of scientific knowledge. I came to PhilCAT thinking that I might learn and find a good thesis topic from their data for me to graduate my masters. It turned out their data were insufficient, leaving me working for an organization (with a good cause but bad politics) without any direction for my future career as an epidemiologist.
I have come to a point that the ore I use can no longer be forged to tools, at least tools for my use. I had been working on different sets of data that seem to have no meaning to me anymore. I don't say I don't have perks for this racket, I mean, I get some monetary gains from this and I get to associate myself with doctors who think I'm smart. In humanitarian terms, I was able to help other people learn something from what they took effort to work on. But the fulfillment of personal discovery of truth for the contribution to humanity is what's lacking. I am not empowered to do my own research. Not here in my work. Not now.
So you see why I have issues when it comes to data. And somehow I see my degradation in my output because I'm burning out; to think I once dreamed of becoming the best epidemiologist of our time.
Next month, I will start teaching statistics to music students in Santa Isabel College. Now this is something new and quite challenging, for statistics seems to have no use to music students, or so they thought. I may be sick and tired of processing data, but not doing and teaching research.
But for now, I'll just hang on. Kaya ko pa naman.
A joke just came into me.
Data to death ito.
I forge data into meaningful information like a blacksmith forging useful tools from an ore. In the lifestyle I am in now, I feed on, breathe and live for data. When I wake up, the first thing I think of is what data will I process and to which doctor will I give them. My eight-hour job dictates that I process and verify our office data. When I go to sleep, I sigh thinking of what pending data I had left for the next day to process. To give you a picture, I was once entertaining about five doctors with different data sets in one day while in PhilCAT office with its own data that I had to work on. So imagine how my mind works when a doctor calls and discusses his research on a particular disease to me then another consults a completely different topic, one after another.
I was hungry for data at first, thinking that data were goldmine for researchers, wombs of scientific knowledge. I came to PhilCAT thinking that I might learn and find a good thesis topic from their data for me to graduate my masters. It turned out their data were insufficient, leaving me working for an organization (with a good cause but bad politics) without any direction for my future career as an epidemiologist.
I have come to a point that the ore I use can no longer be forged to tools, at least tools for my use. I had been working on different sets of data that seem to have no meaning to me anymore. I don't say I don't have perks for this racket, I mean, I get some monetary gains from this and I get to associate myself with doctors who think I'm smart. In humanitarian terms, I was able to help other people learn something from what they took effort to work on. But the fulfillment of personal discovery of truth for the contribution to humanity is what's lacking. I am not empowered to do my own research. Not here in my work. Not now.
So you see why I have issues when it comes to data. And somehow I see my degradation in my output because I'm burning out; to think I once dreamed of becoming the best epidemiologist of our time.
Next month, I will start teaching statistics to music students in Santa Isabel College. Now this is something new and quite challenging, for statistics seems to have no use to music students, or so they thought. I may be sick and tired of processing data, but not doing and teaching research.
But for now, I'll just hang on. Kaya ko pa naman.
A joke just came into me.
Data to death ito.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
My New Sanctuary
It has been our (my SICCO friends' and my) habit to pay homage to Luneta right in front of Santa Isabel College on Saturday nights. Even though our fingers and toes are shaking because of the school's toxicity, we find comfort at the toes of Mayor Lim (Did I mention Mayor Lim? I meant Lapu-Lapu, who looks like Mayor Lim.).
Here he is. He would look more mysterious in the dark.
Luneta is best experienced at night, with all the lights and the cool breeze from the bay. What's also good about "Our Haven" is that Lord Lapu-Lapu doesn't mind some vices like smoking in his presence, so you get the picture.
But what I love about our pilgrimage is being with my Isabelan friends. It's good to release body tensions with schoolmates, no matter how weird we individually are. We would bring out our violins and play, chat about rumors in and out of the school (sometimes our secrets), and sometimes taking chances on maggots in taho from vendors in the dark. We had a friend whom we thought was vomiting, jokingly suspicious of pregnancy, only to find out that she bit a maggot from the taho that we bought. By that time, I had fully ingested mine.
I knew long ago that music is the most honest profession, and that musicians are true to their craft and to themselves.
Despite my hectic schedule - office work from Mondays to Fridays and music classes and rehearsals on Saturdays - at the end of the week, I, together with my Isabelan family, find peace in the shelter of Lapu-Lapu while the rest of humanity spend their time elsewhere.
So you know where to find me on my Sabado nights.
Here he is. He would look more mysterious in the dark.
Luneta is best experienced at night, with all the lights and the cool breeze from the bay. What's also good about "Our Haven" is that Lord Lapu-Lapu doesn't mind some vices like smoking in his presence, so you get the picture.But what I love about our pilgrimage is being with my Isabelan friends. It's good to release body tensions with schoolmates, no matter how weird we individually are. We would bring out our violins and play, chat about rumors in and out of the school (sometimes our secrets), and sometimes taking chances on maggots in taho from vendors in the dark. We had a friend whom we thought was vomiting, jokingly suspicious of pregnancy, only to find out that she bit a maggot from the taho that we bought. By that time, I had fully ingested mine.
I knew long ago that music is the most honest profession, and that musicians are true to their craft and to themselves.
Despite my hectic schedule - office work from Mondays to Fridays and music classes and rehearsals on Saturdays - at the end of the week, I, together with my Isabelan family, find peace in the shelter of Lapu-Lapu while the rest of humanity spend their time elsewhere.
So you know where to find me on my Sabado nights.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Take a Chance on the Unconventional
I've been thinking a lot lately about my short-term plans for my career. Well, I'm planning to resign next year. I'm only looking forward to the Christmas bonus that waiting my resignation will be that long.
Why will I resign?
My primary objective is to finish my masters thesis in Epidemiology - to finish what I have started in the past. To do that, I'd have to resign from my current job and work on it full-time. I've talked to my uncle about my initial thesis proposal, and he rejected it and proposed a study on virgin coconut oil on multiple-drug resistant (MDR) TB patients. I am not quite confident about the proposal; it is rather unconventional for an epidemiology student to have an experimental study for a thesis. But once I prepared a good methodology and got a good data on this, it would be a major breakthrough in alternative medicine, but not really in epidemiology. (Halt! Among my few readers, nobody cares. So let's move on.)
My other and more important objective is after I finish my masters, I will be able to close the book and start a new one by taking a full time study in Sta. Isabel. I do not know if this is a safe move because I will not be able to earn money as I have been earning today. But if I do this, I will be investing on my musical potential, a move that is unconventional for a science graduate. After the internal SIC-SICCO issues I've heard about these past few months, I feel the need to be there more often than now, to secure some things. In other words, I want to partake in the musico-academic politics in Sta. Isabel and the classical music industry, to preserve some things that are important to me: the chamber and my friends there.
I know what my friends would think of me now. They would say I'm a bit crazy in deciding to abandon a career that has a full potential and financial stability over a career that has neither of the two. I, however, do not wish to abandon anything. I only want to take a chance on enhancing my musical skills, which will take up most of my time to be able to make it. And besides, I am old, and I have a lot of catching up to do as far as practicing violin is concerned.
I somehow do not want to stay long in public health anymore, for the politics is overwhelming. I somehow do not want to dwelve in a doctor-dominated field, where they nag you and order around what you must do. I am sick and tired of the academic politics I have been hearing in my previous school, that I wanted to abandon everything that I can remember about it. And worst of all, I vomit on my statistical services to the resident doctors who do not appreciate research but ask me to do all the work. This retreat from my previous world gives me a fresh start, and I never felt more free anywhere else than in music.
Reminiscing my past, I think I have been silenced by my traumatic experience with music in my grade school days with a music teacher in San Beda, who lashed me down upon my request to leave his school-based boy's choir. I subconsciously avoided anything that involve music, including touching a piano or participating in any musical activities. But somehow on my way to college and even after, I have been with music. If not appreciating it from a distance, I somehow got involved in friendly and short-lived choir participations. It was until in my masters days that I fell in love with music big time that I'd have to leave anything else for it.
I remember my aunt in Geneva discouraging me to pursue music as a profession, citing her niece-in law who was a Summa cum Laude BM graduate in Ateneo Conservatory but felt defeat in Juilliard as she was categorized among the "other" ordinary students. But I do not wish to be the cream of the crop. I just want to be a good musician and a good music teacher, with a vision to alleviate the country's status through musical or cultural stimulation.
This is quite ambitious for someone like me, but hey, what are we here for in the first place? We make a difference, that's what.
So I'm taking chance on music. Sometime in the future, I may miss being a health worker and epidemiologist, but it's worth it.
I can't wait.
Why will I resign?
My primary objective is to finish my masters thesis in Epidemiology - to finish what I have started in the past. To do that, I'd have to resign from my current job and work on it full-time. I've talked to my uncle about my initial thesis proposal, and he rejected it and proposed a study on virgin coconut oil on multiple-drug resistant (MDR) TB patients. I am not quite confident about the proposal; it is rather unconventional for an epidemiology student to have an experimental study for a thesis. But once I prepared a good methodology and got a good data on this, it would be a major breakthrough in alternative medicine, but not really in epidemiology. (Halt! Among my few readers, nobody cares. So let's move on.)
My other and more important objective is after I finish my masters, I will be able to close the book and start a new one by taking a full time study in Sta. Isabel. I do not know if this is a safe move because I will not be able to earn money as I have been earning today. But if I do this, I will be investing on my musical potential, a move that is unconventional for a science graduate. After the internal SIC-SICCO issues I've heard about these past few months, I feel the need to be there more often than now, to secure some things. In other words, I want to partake in the musico-academic politics in Sta. Isabel and the classical music industry, to preserve some things that are important to me: the chamber and my friends there.
I know what my friends would think of me now. They would say I'm a bit crazy in deciding to abandon a career that has a full potential and financial stability over a career that has neither of the two. I, however, do not wish to abandon anything. I only want to take a chance on enhancing my musical skills, which will take up most of my time to be able to make it. And besides, I am old, and I have a lot of catching up to do as far as practicing violin is concerned.
I somehow do not want to stay long in public health anymore, for the politics is overwhelming. I somehow do not want to dwelve in a doctor-dominated field, where they nag you and order around what you must do. I am sick and tired of the academic politics I have been hearing in my previous school, that I wanted to abandon everything that I can remember about it. And worst of all, I vomit on my statistical services to the resident doctors who do not appreciate research but ask me to do all the work. This retreat from my previous world gives me a fresh start, and I never felt more free anywhere else than in music.
Reminiscing my past, I think I have been silenced by my traumatic experience with music in my grade school days with a music teacher in San Beda, who lashed me down upon my request to leave his school-based boy's choir. I subconsciously avoided anything that involve music, including touching a piano or participating in any musical activities. But somehow on my way to college and even after, I have been with music. If not appreciating it from a distance, I somehow got involved in friendly and short-lived choir participations. It was until in my masters days that I fell in love with music big time that I'd have to leave anything else for it.
I remember my aunt in Geneva discouraging me to pursue music as a profession, citing her niece-in law who was a Summa cum Laude BM graduate in Ateneo Conservatory but felt defeat in Juilliard as she was categorized among the "other" ordinary students. But I do not wish to be the cream of the crop. I just want to be a good musician and a good music teacher, with a vision to alleviate the country's status through musical or cultural stimulation.
This is quite ambitious for someone like me, but hey, what are we here for in the first place? We make a difference, that's what.
So I'm taking chance on music. Sometime in the future, I may miss being a health worker and epidemiologist, but it's worth it.
I can't wait.
Wednesday, July 02, 2008
A Message from the Heavens
I broke Carlo's violin "Ram" (it stands for "Hiram;" I borrowed Carlo's violin; Carlo is the SICCO concertmaster) and lost 3 of my 4 P1.5k worth of strings all in two days: last Sunday and Monday.
The disaster occurred after our mass performance in Sts. Peter and John Parish in Malabon. I left Ram in its case, open, on the church's floor, only to move a few steps to light a candle and make a wish to the Virgin Mary, then when I turned back, a heavy wooden music stand was on Ram, with the G string cut, and one f-hole cracked. As what I was told, a tall microphone stand was accidentally bumped, then it stumbled onto the heavy wooden (I have to stress this) music stand, which in turn crashed over the helpless violin, just when I was praying a few steps away.
Carlo was upset, of course, and made loud guilt-tripping jokes on me before leaving the church. He was quite effective... I got quite furious.
I tried to repair the violin. A few adjustments and the wood seemed to have no cracks, just bruise.
But to make matters worse, I was tuning the strings when the E and A strings were busted last Monday. In anguish, I went to the far-flung Mall of Asia to buy a new set of P1.5k worth of strings. "Kashing! Kashing!" I was advised not to use these strings, not just yet. Perhaps after a few months.
Just when I was wishing to the heavens prosperity to the orchestra, God struck my instrument.
The disaster occurred after our mass performance in Sts. Peter and John Parish in Malabon. I left Ram in its case, open, on the church's floor, only to move a few steps to light a candle and make a wish to the Virgin Mary, then when I turned back, a heavy wooden music stand was on Ram, with the G string cut, and one f-hole cracked. As what I was told, a tall microphone stand was accidentally bumped, then it stumbled onto the heavy wooden (I have to stress this) music stand, which in turn crashed over the helpless violin, just when I was praying a few steps away.
Carlo was upset, of course, and made loud guilt-tripping jokes on me before leaving the church. He was quite effective... I got quite furious.
I tried to repair the violin. A few adjustments and the wood seemed to have no cracks, just bruise.
But to make matters worse, I was tuning the strings when the E and A strings were busted last Monday. In anguish, I went to the far-flung Mall of Asia to buy a new set of P1.5k worth of strings. "Kashing! Kashing!" I was advised not to use these strings, not just yet. Perhaps after a few months.
Just when I was wishing to the heavens prosperity to the orchestra, God struck my instrument.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
A Little Feel of Efforts Paying Off
At the start of our chamber rehearsal a while ago, I was very anxious for three reasons:
1) The concertmaster and the principal members were out with other engagements, leaving only a few "leftovers" - us;
2) I became the violin 2 principal violinist; and
3) We were to practice a Tchaikovsky serenade - for the first time.
I thought that the chamber would become a slaughterhouse. Well, some of us were "lashed," but as far as violin 2 is concerned, we were spared.
Did I do a good job? I didn't know until we had dinner outside as Sir Cris commended my drastic improvement. "Hindi sya makapaniwalang makakatugtog sya ng gano'n," Sir Cris added, and lightly told how we quarreled during my last violin lessons with him (more than a year from now) and how he suggested that I look for another teacher. "Ang galing mo, Charvie!" I also heard from Peter, a member from violin 1 who took a moment to observe us violin 2 during the rehearsal (he was a principal, and came late together with the others). But I just smirked and kept quiet, thinking of it as a mere flattery.
It must be the violin I borrowed from Carlo, the concertmaster. It must be the music classes I attended for the past months, or the affinity to music that is induced by these classes. It must be Sir Cris' benevolent gesture of pounding us really hard to improve. Whatever it is, it paid off. For centuries, I have never heard people complimenting my violin playing.
Perhaps it was because of the piece.
By the way, the serenade, when performed perfectly, would sound like this:
Serenade for Strings in C major, Op. 48: I. Pezzo in forma di Sonatina: Andante non troppo
1) The concertmaster and the principal members were out with other engagements, leaving only a few "leftovers" - us;
2) I became the violin 2 principal violinist; and
3) We were to practice a Tchaikovsky serenade - for the first time.
I thought that the chamber would become a slaughterhouse. Well, some of us were "lashed," but as far as violin 2 is concerned, we were spared.
Did I do a good job? I didn't know until we had dinner outside as Sir Cris commended my drastic improvement. "Hindi sya makapaniwalang makakatugtog sya ng gano'n," Sir Cris added, and lightly told how we quarreled during my last violin lessons with him (more than a year from now) and how he suggested that I look for another teacher. "Ang galing mo, Charvie!" I also heard from Peter, a member from violin 1 who took a moment to observe us violin 2 during the rehearsal (he was a principal, and came late together with the others). But I just smirked and kept quiet, thinking of it as a mere flattery.
It must be the violin I borrowed from Carlo, the concertmaster. It must be the music classes I attended for the past months, or the affinity to music that is induced by these classes. It must be Sir Cris' benevolent gesture of pounding us really hard to improve. Whatever it is, it paid off. For centuries, I have never heard people complimenting my violin playing.
Perhaps it was because of the piece.
By the way, the serenade, when performed perfectly, would sound like this:
Serenade for Strings in C major, Op. 48: I. Pezzo in forma di Sonatina: Andante non troppo
Monday, June 09, 2008
A Journey to Baroque Music: SICCO @ BDO Excerpts
The following are the excerpts of the Santa Isabel College Chamber Orchestra's first formal Concert on May 23, 2008 entitled, "A Journey to Baroque Music."
Solomon, HWV 67, Act III: Sinfonia, "Arrival of the Queen ofSheba
...
Violin Concerto in A minor, Op. 3, No. 6, RV 356 ... A. Vivaldi
III. Presto ... Jericho Tabirao, violinist
Overture (Suite) No. 3 in D major, BWV 1068: II. Air, "Air on the G String"
... J.S. Bach
Recibid: Hymn to Sto. Cristo del Tesoro ... Santa Isabel College
Source: Youtube, Jericho Tabirao's brother's uploaded video clips
Solomon, HWV 67, Act III: Sinfonia, "Arrival of the Queen of
...
Violin Concerto in A minor, Op. 3, No. 6, RV 356 ... A. Vivaldi
III. Presto ... Jericho Tabirao, violinist
Overture (Suite) No. 3 in D major, BWV 1068: II. Air, "Air on the G String"
... J.S. Bach
Recibid: Hymn to Sto. Cristo del Tesoro ... Santa Isabel College
Source: Youtube, Jericho Tabirao's brother's uploaded video clips
Sunday, June 01, 2008
With the Angelic Voices
Here is a video clip of our small performance with the Vox Angelicum Choir in the Our Lady of Hope Parish, located behing SM North EDSA. I am the violinist in the right who was covered with a music stand. You may not see me very well, but somehow you can see me move
Sunday, May 25, 2008
The Best Turn of Events in One Day
I assumed that this year, the Year of the Rat, would be a very speedy year for all of us. In my case, it really is.
On May 23, The Santa Isabel College Chamber Orchestra held its first formal concert. The preparations for this event were quite hectic, including my daily attendance in the chamber's rehearsals, not to mention my pro bono designing of the poster and programme, which by the way was highly praised by everyone (sorry to brag ^^). Although there were bloopers along the way, I can say that the concert was a success for we were able to earn from donations more than what we had spent. As Sister Emilita said, what's important was that we perform beautifully, in which, I can say, we did.
This is the peak of the chamber's success. The chamber has contributed so much in promoting the school, just by counting the number of new Music students who enrolled this year, myself included. The chamber has also been increasing in number and has been improving in a span of a year. As for me, I have learned a lot about the workings of an orchestra and music itself. This has been a very fruitful event despite the obstacles we've been facing.
Some of my friends - officemates, past consultants such as Dr. Erlyn Sana and Dr. Mitch Majini - were in the concert. Although only a few seats were filled in the BDO hall, the applauses were quite loud. However, my family wasn't there.
They were anticipating the birth of my first nephew, Joachim. He was born two hours after our concert finished.
After the concert, I went to Manila Doctor's Hospital to see how the baby and his mom were doing. They were both great, and he is wonderful.
It turns out that after a week of hard work and perseverance, I have earned a very remarkable reward, not only in my musical career but also in my family.
In the programme, I wrote "[We] would like to thank the Almighty for the Gift of Music and Friendship."
I would now like to include the Gift of Life.
On May 23, The Santa Isabel College Chamber Orchestra held its first formal concert. The preparations for this event were quite hectic, including my daily attendance in the chamber's rehearsals, not to mention my pro bono designing of the poster and programme, which by the way was highly praised by everyone (sorry to brag ^^). Although there were bloopers along the way, I can say that the concert was a success for we were able to earn from donations more than what we had spent. As Sister Emilita said, what's important was that we perform beautifully, in which, I can say, we did.
This is the peak of the chamber's success. The chamber has contributed so much in promoting the school, just by counting the number of new Music students who enrolled this year, myself included. The chamber has also been increasing in number and has been improving in a span of a year. As for me, I have learned a lot about the workings of an orchestra and music itself. This has been a very fruitful event despite the obstacles we've been facing.
Some of my friends - officemates, past consultants such as Dr. Erlyn Sana and Dr. Mitch Majini - were in the concert. Although only a few seats were filled in the BDO hall, the applauses were quite loud. However, my family wasn't there.
They were anticipating the birth of my first nephew, Joachim. He was born two hours after our concert finished.
After the concert, I went to Manila Doctor's Hospital to see how the baby and his mom were doing. They were both great, and he is wonderful.
It turns out that after a week of hard work and perseverance, I have earned a very remarkable reward, not only in my musical career but also in my family.
In the programme, I wrote "[We] would like to thank the Almighty for the Gift of Music and Friendship."
I would now like to include the Gift of Life.
Monday, May 19, 2008
Monday, May 12, 2008
Missed Half of a Lifetime
Last Saturday, the chamber had a concert in Laguna at 8 pm, but the call time was 8 am. Unfortunately, I had a class on Theory in Sta. Isabel at 7:30 am and supposedly on Historical Survey at 10 am so I said to Sir Cris I couldn't come. Just when I was in the middle of my Theory class around 8:30 am, Ms. April sent a text message saying we wouldn't have a class on Historical Survey. The chamber's bus going to Laguna left at that time.
I felt so left out. It was more than 12 hours of bonding with the chamber, but I missed it. The whole day was spent on regret and remorse that I wasn't able to join them. I also regret that I didn't make any effort to catch them up on their way to Laguna. Sayang talaga.
These are the moments that I am so driven by my emotions, that I do not want to do anything because I am down. And sometimes, I fantasize about what could have been my life now had I taken not Public Health but Music. My income would not be that stable, but at least I love what I do.
I remember the days when I was making career choices before going to college, and Music has never been one of them. I only rekindled my passion to music when I saw a violin in my professor's office, and this was in my postgraduate study. I had made a decision to spend some of my time to learning how to play the violin, and now to spend more time to learn music itself.
In the office, frequent taking of leave became an issue, and I was affected since I took several leaves a few weeks back due to chamber activities, aside from the fact that I was trying to have a retreat from the office chaos and politics. There was a time that I was furious about suspending our raise because of "frequent absences and tradinesses" of many among our batch, to the point of giving an impression that I was too harsh on unleashing lose comments. For that, I had to watch over my absences and be punctual everyday. This includes not attending chamber rehearsals on a weekday.
I am glad that Mr. Macazo was not strict on me on attending rehearsals, for he knows that some of us are part-time music students who have a full time job. But I can not allow myself to be just a saling pusa to any of the chamber's activities. Somehow I want to excel in the group and promote myself from an amateur student to at least an average violinist.
I have lost my social life in the process of struggling to balance my work and my enthusiasm to music. Somewhere in the long run, I may come up with a decision to completely give up one for the other. And I am afraid that giving up my work is a more palatable decision.
People in the world face more overwhelming problems. In this country, basic needs is more important to an individual or to a family. I feel somewhat more fortunate that my problem only encompasses what career to take. Somehow I envy people who, in the midst of their problems, are determined and focused to strive and become succesful in their chosen careers. I, for one, can not excel in one profession if I am not focused to it.
I realized that my batchmates in college who took up medicine are now MDs. I, on the other hand, am working like a dog in an organization where the seniors think that I am not performing well. I haven't even finished my masters degree. If I choose to become a full-time musician, I would start from scratch.
Now I realize what retreats are and why we did them in our high school days. I need one now.
I somehow wanted to turn back time when I was a student, at least there I had summer vacations.
No pressure to work for difficult bosses.
No monetary worries.
With big dreams.
Imagine how I react when I miss one chamber performance.
I felt so left out. It was more than 12 hours of bonding with the chamber, but I missed it. The whole day was spent on regret and remorse that I wasn't able to join them. I also regret that I didn't make any effort to catch them up on their way to Laguna. Sayang talaga.
These are the moments that I am so driven by my emotions, that I do not want to do anything because I am down. And sometimes, I fantasize about what could have been my life now had I taken not Public Health but Music. My income would not be that stable, but at least I love what I do.
I remember the days when I was making career choices before going to college, and Music has never been one of them. I only rekindled my passion to music when I saw a violin in my professor's office, and this was in my postgraduate study. I had made a decision to spend some of my time to learning how to play the violin, and now to spend more time to learn music itself.
In the office, frequent taking of leave became an issue, and I was affected since I took several leaves a few weeks back due to chamber activities, aside from the fact that I was trying to have a retreat from the office chaos and politics. There was a time that I was furious about suspending our raise because of "frequent absences and tradinesses" of many among our batch, to the point of giving an impression that I was too harsh on unleashing lose comments. For that, I had to watch over my absences and be punctual everyday. This includes not attending chamber rehearsals on a weekday.
I am glad that Mr. Macazo was not strict on me on attending rehearsals, for he knows that some of us are part-time music students who have a full time job. But I can not allow myself to be just a saling pusa to any of the chamber's activities. Somehow I want to excel in the group and promote myself from an amateur student to at least an average violinist.
I have lost my social life in the process of struggling to balance my work and my enthusiasm to music. Somewhere in the long run, I may come up with a decision to completely give up one for the other. And I am afraid that giving up my work is a more palatable decision.
People in the world face more overwhelming problems. In this country, basic needs is more important to an individual or to a family. I feel somewhat more fortunate that my problem only encompasses what career to take. Somehow I envy people who, in the midst of their problems, are determined and focused to strive and become succesful in their chosen careers. I, for one, can not excel in one profession if I am not focused to it.
I realized that my batchmates in college who took up medicine are now MDs. I, on the other hand, am working like a dog in an organization where the seniors think that I am not performing well. I haven't even finished my masters degree. If I choose to become a full-time musician, I would start from scratch.
Now I realize what retreats are and why we did them in our high school days. I need one now.
I somehow wanted to turn back time when I was a student, at least there I had summer vacations.
No pressure to work for difficult bosses.
No monetary worries.
With big dreams.
Imagine how I react when I miss one chamber performance.
Tuesday, May 06, 2008
It's Just One of Those Days...
... that I couldn't sleep.
I am so burnt out with my work, I want to quit.
No... I want to retire.
I am so burnt out with my work, I want to quit.
No... I want to retire.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Information Overload
Last week has been very intellectually overwhelming for me.
Imagine yourself in front of two time portals: one transports you to the conventional past while the other leads you to the far-reaching future. If you were a scholar, where will you first go to discover things unknown to you?
I am currently enrolled in two subjects of almost the same contents but of different perspectives: Music Theory on Thursdays where my teacher is Sister Emelita, a traditional type of educator, and Historical Survey on Satudays under Ms. April Sta. Maria, a liberal one.
To give you an example, both of them asked us to define music. To Sister Em (as how we call her), music is an organization of sounds of silences that is pleasing to the ears and delivers a message. On the other hand, Ms. April modified this definition by stating that music, as I recall, is a combination of sounds and silences that appeals to the senses OR the intellect. There might only be a slight difference, but the point is, the liberal thought suggests that music does not have to be regular or pleasing to the ears, as long at it has a message, as Ms. Sta. Maria always gives contemporary music as an example.
Moreover, we were only starting to review the different elements of music with Sister Elemita last Thursday when while Ms. Sta. Maria introduced that some of the elements will be lost in the contemporary music.
What I like about both them is that I can get two different points of view when it comes to music theory, which is good for any discipline. However, for a student who has only started learning or re-learning music, this is somewhat frustrating. I, for one, am only learning how to play the violin, a classical music instrument, and a member of an orchestra that always plays baroque music. I can not grasp all the advanced concepts of music when I’m only a beginner.
I asked Ms. April about her comment on one needs to be good at the classical or conventional before going to the liberal or modern aspect of music. She said that it may be good for other disciplines, like visual arts, but in music one has to be open-minded at the start. Although I am somewhat accustomed to the conventional mode of learning, I agree.
So what was your answer on the question above? In my case, I would split myself into two and experience both worlds at the same time – as what I am doing now.
Tick... tock... tick... tock... BOOM.
Imagine yourself in front of two time portals: one transports you to the conventional past while the other leads you to the far-reaching future. If you were a scholar, where will you first go to discover things unknown to you?
I am currently enrolled in two subjects of almost the same contents but of different perspectives: Music Theory on Thursdays where my teacher is Sister Emelita, a traditional type of educator, and Historical Survey on Satudays under Ms. April Sta. Maria, a liberal one.
To give you an example, both of them asked us to define music. To Sister Em (as how we call her), music is an organization of sounds of silences that is pleasing to the ears and delivers a message. On the other hand, Ms. April modified this definition by stating that music, as I recall, is a combination of sounds and silences that appeals to the senses OR the intellect. There might only be a slight difference, but the point is, the liberal thought suggests that music does not have to be regular or pleasing to the ears, as long at it has a message, as Ms. Sta. Maria always gives contemporary music as an example.
Moreover, we were only starting to review the different elements of music with Sister Elemita last Thursday when while Ms. Sta. Maria introduced that some of the elements will be lost in the contemporary music.
What I like about both them is that I can get two different points of view when it comes to music theory, which is good for any discipline. However, for a student who has only started learning or re-learning music, this is somewhat frustrating. I, for one, am only learning how to play the violin, a classical music instrument, and a member of an orchestra that always plays baroque music. I can not grasp all the advanced concepts of music when I’m only a beginner.
I asked Ms. April about her comment on one needs to be good at the classical or conventional before going to the liberal or modern aspect of music. She said that it may be good for other disciplines, like visual arts, but in music one has to be open-minded at the start. Although I am somewhat accustomed to the conventional mode of learning, I agree.
So what was your answer on the question above? In my case, I would split myself into two and experience both worlds at the same time – as what I am doing now.
Tick... tock... tick... tock... BOOM.
Monday, April 07, 2008
Career Calamity, Book II Part I
Last week, I had a conversation with Sister Emelita, Chair of Sta. Isabel College Music Department, while I was processing my enrollment form in Sta. Isabel. I told her that I'm taking up masters in epidemiology in UPM, with thesis as my only requirement for completion, and that I will take up master subjects in music in Sta. Isabel this summer. She asked me if I'm now giving up public health for love of music.
"...I am torn between two lovers," I replied.
Perhaps I'm too pissed off with my public health career now that I'm considering music as my sanctuary. In the office, I was given a task to conduct a research with someone else's proposal, someone whom I don't want to work with. There was a slight impression that beside the fact that I'm underpaid for my work, I am being used of my skills by undeserving people. But I think this is a bit overboard, that I need to think this over and improve my framework on this to a more positive one. But I want to stress that this is mixed with the pending research consultancies with different doctors outside the office. I think I'm burning out.
But when I come to chamber rehearsals, I feel so much relieved.
Last week, Monday, the chamber played during a 7:30 a.m mass in Sta. Isabel. I was there, gratified and calm. After which, we had a rehearsal and lunch together. I took a sick leave that day, deciding not to go to work anymore. Something is repelling me from work or attracting me to the chamber that day.
To make matters more complicated, on that same day, Sister Emelita mentioned in our conversation that I may avail for scholarship for my violin lessons with Mr. Macazo. I stopped attending lessons with my violin teacher because one, it's expensive and two, I can't give my full time with music, with my pending thesis and PhilCAT work in mind. But now that I can take violin lessons for free, I'm leaning towards embracing my teacher, perfecting my skills.
A few weeks ago, Miss April Sta. Maria, my Philippine Music teacher, offered us a job at Naxos as music analyst, where I can be qualified should I take up her master subjects. I was very much tempted to accept the offer, only that I already have public health as my career. I was too envious with those who said yes, and I was stumping my feet, regretting why I didn't take up music in the first place, for I could have taken the offer and enjoyed working.
And of course, my moment with the chamber is always priceless. A while ago, we were playing musical pieces that we performed in the past. We were only about less than ten people, without our teacher, jamming with the old pieces quite smoothly. I realized that we have improved a lot and become very independent since last year when we were first assembled. It only proved that I, together with my fellow musicians, gracefully grew up. And in a few more years, we can become great.
However, I still have good reasons to continue my public health work. A few weeks ago, I had a meeting with Dr. Maridel Borja, my thesis adviser, whom I handpicked for our training in our department in PhilCAT. Somehow, I remember why I took up epidemiology when I'm with her. As I received her resume for her service contract, the vision became more vivid - I want to be just like her, with all her achievements. Somehow my love for health research and public health service remains intact despite everything. I believe that God allowed me to take this course to have a heart and a mind of a public health worker, and to be one of the best epidemiologists.
We, my officemates and I, had a seminar on self-leadership last week held during our summer outing in Batangas. When asked who is my model leader, I answered Antonio Vivaldi, a musician. When asked what thing best describes me now, I answered a violin. But when asked to draw my life goal, I drew a school, with a caption, "My school of public health is open to cater quality education for Filipinos - 2030."
And yet the picture of my final days, my retirement dream, is playing a violin with a sweet tune in a park.
So you have an idea how torn I still am.
"...I am torn between two lovers," I replied.
Perhaps I'm too pissed off with my public health career now that I'm considering music as my sanctuary. In the office, I was given a task to conduct a research with someone else's proposal, someone whom I don't want to work with. There was a slight impression that beside the fact that I'm underpaid for my work, I am being used of my skills by undeserving people. But I think this is a bit overboard, that I need to think this over and improve my framework on this to a more positive one. But I want to stress that this is mixed with the pending research consultancies with different doctors outside the office. I think I'm burning out.
But when I come to chamber rehearsals, I feel so much relieved.
Last week, Monday, the chamber played during a 7:30 a.m mass in Sta. Isabel. I was there, gratified and calm. After which, we had a rehearsal and lunch together. I took a sick leave that day, deciding not to go to work anymore. Something is repelling me from work or attracting me to the chamber that day.
To make matters more complicated, on that same day, Sister Emelita mentioned in our conversation that I may avail for scholarship for my violin lessons with Mr. Macazo. I stopped attending lessons with my violin teacher because one, it's expensive and two, I can't give my full time with music, with my pending thesis and PhilCAT work in mind. But now that I can take violin lessons for free, I'm leaning towards embracing my teacher, perfecting my skills.
A few weeks ago, Miss April Sta. Maria, my Philippine Music teacher, offered us a job at Naxos as music analyst, where I can be qualified should I take up her master subjects. I was very much tempted to accept the offer, only that I already have public health as my career. I was too envious with those who said yes, and I was stumping my feet, regretting why I didn't take up music in the first place, for I could have taken the offer and enjoyed working.
And of course, my moment with the chamber is always priceless. A while ago, we were playing musical pieces that we performed in the past. We were only about less than ten people, without our teacher, jamming with the old pieces quite smoothly. I realized that we have improved a lot and become very independent since last year when we were first assembled. It only proved that I, together with my fellow musicians, gracefully grew up. And in a few more years, we can become great.
However, I still have good reasons to continue my public health work. A few weeks ago, I had a meeting with Dr. Maridel Borja, my thesis adviser, whom I handpicked for our training in our department in PhilCAT. Somehow, I remember why I took up epidemiology when I'm with her. As I received her resume for her service contract, the vision became more vivid - I want to be just like her, with all her achievements. Somehow my love for health research and public health service remains intact despite everything. I believe that God allowed me to take this course to have a heart and a mind of a public health worker, and to be one of the best epidemiologists.
We, my officemates and I, had a seminar on self-leadership last week held during our summer outing in Batangas. When asked who is my model leader, I answered Antonio Vivaldi, a musician. When asked what thing best describes me now, I answered a violin. But when asked to draw my life goal, I drew a school, with a caption, "My school of public health is open to cater quality education for Filipinos - 2030."
And yet the picture of my final days, my retirement dream, is playing a violin with a sweet tune in a park.
So you have an idea how torn I still am.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Randomized analysis
I have been contemplating on things right now. Some of the clear realizations I have come up with are the following:
A lot of people look for issues and wonder why they have issues.
People become too dependent to a lot of people when they can not depend on themselves.
Politics is inevitably everywhere: at school, in the office, even in research and music. So deal with politics effectively.
Most people have a wide blind area (johari window) and many people around them do not give a damn.
Friendship is highly dependent on the quality time spent with each other and the contribution to each other's values and character. But this is not always the case.
You have to do some things you don't want to do, for the sake of duty and reputation. Likewise, You have to avoid things you want to do for the same reason.
A mentor is someone who effortlessly reminds you of your ambitions and purpose. In my case, I have two: my thesis adviser and my violin teacher.
The real challenge in work is not only accomplishment, but accomplishment with an intact spirit.
As long as there are values, there is always discrimination.
There is no such thing as perfect partner.
Long life does not mean happy life.
There are a lot of things that should be left undiscovered.
Civility is tolerance.
Always assume people as smart unless objectively proven otherwise.
Servitude has rewards. One can not be a master unless he was a pupil.
If something is not satisfactory, charge it to experience.
Loneliness is good. It makes you independent.
Tragedy defines a man.
You can sense when it is over. If not, slap your face.
A lot of people look for issues and wonder why they have issues.
People become too dependent to a lot of people when they can not depend on themselves.
Politics is inevitably everywhere: at school, in the office, even in research and music. So deal with politics effectively.
Most people have a wide blind area (johari window) and many people around them do not give a damn.
Friendship is highly dependent on the quality time spent with each other and the contribution to each other's values and character. But this is not always the case.
You have to do some things you don't want to do, for the sake of duty and reputation. Likewise, You have to avoid things you want to do for the same reason.
A mentor is someone who effortlessly reminds you of your ambitions and purpose. In my case, I have two: my thesis adviser and my violin teacher.
The real challenge in work is not only accomplishment, but accomplishment with an intact spirit.
As long as there are values, there is always discrimination.
There is no such thing as perfect partner.
Long life does not mean happy life.
There are a lot of things that should be left undiscovered.
Civility is tolerance.
Always assume people as smart unless objectively proven otherwise.
Servitude has rewards. One can not be a master unless he was a pupil.
If something is not satisfactory, charge it to experience.
Loneliness is good. It makes you independent.
Tragedy defines a man.
You can sense when it is over. If not, slap your face.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
What day is today?
It's my birthday.
I went to San Pablo, Laguna with Cocoy and my boss Sir Leydo to visit a PPMD unit. I bought buko pies for my officemates ang my family, to feel somehow that today is a special day. People greeted me, through text message or in my face, to remind me that.
But I do not feel special today.
I do not know exactly when I stopped celebrating my birthday. I only think, or have set my mind eversince, that I don't do it.
I'll probably surf the net and waste the night just like any ordinary day.
I'll probably pick up my violin and play a hardly sweet tune.
But thank you to those who remember. I'm glad that people around me celebrate birthdays as they celebrate mine today.
Perhaps birthdays are for social, not personal, purposes.
I went to San Pablo, Laguna with Cocoy and my boss Sir Leydo to visit a PPMD unit. I bought buko pies for my officemates ang my family, to feel somehow that today is a special day. People greeted me, through text message or in my face, to remind me that.
But I do not feel special today.
I do not know exactly when I stopped celebrating my birthday. I only think, or have set my mind eversince, that I don't do it.
I'll probably surf the net and waste the night just like any ordinary day.
I'll probably pick up my violin and play a hardly sweet tune.
But thank you to those who remember. I'm glad that people around me celebrate birthdays as they celebrate mine today.
Perhaps birthdays are for social, not personal, purposes.
Monday, February 11, 2008
Coffeepot
There was a time during my second year high school days that we were tasked to write a formal theme entitled "Coffeepot," where we think of a noun as a topic, write a paper about it, then substitute "coffeepot" each time we use that noun. Let's try it now.
It's been hours since I should have been sleeping. It's been days since I should have done all my work, in the office and out. But until now, I'm still awake, unfinished with the tasks passed to me.
And all I can think of is this coffeepot.
This coffeepot is very special to me and to everyone else. It was nice-looking and fun to be with. We became good friends and spent great times together. I shared its sentiments over matters and even comforted it when needed. I did not actually measure the parameters of our friendship, but as far as I know, I became an outstanding friend to the coffeepot, to the point that I swore never to leave it no matter what.
This coffeepot had been the source of my happiness until we drifted away. There was a period that our friendship, if that's what they call it, died out. It was a slow process. We had an argument over a simple thing, and from there we started drifting apart.
I realized that I wasn't that important to the coffeepot as it was to me. And with that, I did not bother to mend the cracks.
It has been years since I haven't seen this coffeepot. And it was, in my point of view, on purpose. Even if the coffeepot calls my attention just to hang out with friends, I refuse to come. I had been using all my faculties to avoid anything that reminds me of the coffeepot to protect myself. Because whenever I remember it, I feel remorse and dissapointment.
We can not bring back what is over, and I have accepted that fact eversince.
Did I ever fall in love with the coffeepot? Yes.
Do I still have feelings for the coffeepot? I don't know.
Perhaps.
It's been hours since I should have been sleeping. It's been days since I should have done all my work, in the office and out. But until now, I'm still awake, unfinished with the tasks passed to me.
And all I can think of is this coffeepot.
This coffeepot is very special to me and to everyone else. It was nice-looking and fun to be with. We became good friends and spent great times together. I shared its sentiments over matters and even comforted it when needed. I did not actually measure the parameters of our friendship, but as far as I know, I became an outstanding friend to the coffeepot, to the point that I swore never to leave it no matter what.
This coffeepot had been the source of my happiness until we drifted away. There was a period that our friendship, if that's what they call it, died out. It was a slow process. We had an argument over a simple thing, and from there we started drifting apart.
I realized that I wasn't that important to the coffeepot as it was to me. And with that, I did not bother to mend the cracks.
It has been years since I haven't seen this coffeepot. And it was, in my point of view, on purpose. Even if the coffeepot calls my attention just to hang out with friends, I refuse to come. I had been using all my faculties to avoid anything that reminds me of the coffeepot to protect myself. Because whenever I remember it, I feel remorse and dissapointment.
We can not bring back what is over, and I have accepted that fact eversince.
Did I ever fall in love with the coffeepot? Yes.
Do I still have feelings for the coffeepot? I don't know.
Perhaps.
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