Clouds in My Coffee

This is the moment when part of my country was ravaged by calamity, my dear friends soon to lose their jobs and my father is at higher risk of disability, or death. The feeling is just inexplicable. To simplify, it's depressing. I was stranded in Santa Isabel when Ondoy struck Metro Manila, without electricity, without power. I had nothing heroic to do but to save the pianos in the music department, unknowing that outside was a greater disaster. Hundreds died and millions lost their property, their security. Before Ondoy, I was told of the drastic climate change from where I worked. A lot of jobs will be lost in several health projects because of an alleged corruption, or misuse of fund, of one institution. I was also told how unstable the health system is when international funds offered absolute dependency and prematurely take their money away, leaving some but important health services paralyzed. But what bothers me is the loss of jobs, jobs that in the first place were never pe...

Last week was one of the most musically exhausting, and this week is contending for the position. On Monday last week, I bought a P300 worth of ticket for "3K: Tatlong Kompositor," only to find out after that my schoolmates hoarded a number of unused compli tickets - so much for waste of money. But I was really eager to watch that concert in PhilamLife Theatre because my choral arranging teacher, Dr. Buenaventura, was there and I wanted to find out if he really is "magaling" as what he is always boasting in our class. And indeed, his compositions were outstanding that night. It would have been a very fulfilling event if not for the 3-hour ordeal of listening to "other" different compositions, including a 30-minute yoga-ish meditation music with 3 movements (one movement was ecstatic, but three is literally mind-blowing) and a Katipunan -ish yelling performed through a play with bolo and such, much like a sarzuela excerpt of the Pugad Lawin . It was the fi...

Just when you are about to move on, it keeps on coming back. When you're loud, you blow things out of proportions. When you're silent, you let things die. And when you just utter a word once more, you raise the dead with a piercing blow on you. Being judged without a fair trial is really horrible. People see you as a crazy misunderstood brat when you see and feel differently. It's unfair. Well, perhaps that is the price of being quiet in a corner, not wanting attention. For others, attention boosts their ego, but not for me. Attention means scandal, rumors against you, the cause of your humiliation. I have attempted to learn the art of conversation, only to find out that it is best to keep quiet. Although I speak my mind from time to time, I know my limitations. I know that not everything that matters to me matters to the world. I have learned that lesson the hard way a long time ago, and it will be the last thing that I will forget. And for that, I do not express my emotio...

... ikaw ay pangalawa lamang sa magkapatid, at kailanman ay hindi mo malalamangan ang iyong kuya sa lahat ng aspeto ng iyong buhay mag-anak... ... mahirap lang kayo at mayayaman ang iba mong mga kaibigan. Oo nga at nakakaraos kayo sa buhay, ngunit hindi mo mabigyan ng luho ang sarili mo, umaangal ka pa kapag hinihingi ng mga magulang mo ang iyong ambag sa bahay... ... hindi ikaw ang pinakamagaling - mapasa-high school, college, sa paper, sa public health, maging sa musika, hindi ikaw ang cream of the crop ... ... hindi ka tunay na musikero. Kahit anong dalubhasa mo sa teyorya ng musika, ni minsan ay hindi ka naging magaling tumugtog ng kahit anong instrumento. Ni sa pag-awit ay hindi ka umasenso... ... tamad ka. Sabi nga ng mga amo mo noon, inefficient ka. Walang focus . Walang direksyon. Ni ang thesis mo hindi mo pa natatapos. Ngayon nga kung anu-ano pa ang ginagawa mo, alam mong marami kang dapat asikasuhin... ... nauubusan ka na ng kaibigan dahil sa anti-social propaganda mo. Sina...

Kapag tinopak ka nga naman sa harap ng computer... maiisipan mong mag-blog sa gitna ng napakaraming dapat mong gawin. Una sa lahat, nakikiramay ako sa pagkamatay ng dating Pangulong Corazon C. Aquino. Dinalaw ako ng lungkot sa aking pag-iisip ngayong gabi. Malungkot hindi dahil single ako (at hindi ko na dapat pa sinasabi 'yon) kundi dahil tila walang patutunguhan ang mga pagsusumikap ko. Tungkol sa aking pag-aaral ng epidemyolohiya, naiinip na ako sa paghinihintay sa pahintulot ng isang batikang doktor na may-ari ng datos na aking gagamitin. Sa hanay naman ng musika, ramdam ko na wala akong silbing mag-aaral ng musika hangga't hindi ko ipagpatuloy ang pag-aaral ng byulin o piano. Malungkot dahil pakiramdam ko ay kahit anong seryoso ang aking gawin sa aking pag-aaral, tila hilaw ang aking mga natutunan. Tila dumagdag sa bigat ng aking dibdib ang nalalapit na pag-alis ng aking dating guro sa byulin. Kahit hindi man niya sabihin kung kailan siya aalis, ramdam na namin na malapit ...

Our music theory professor, Miss Celine Pil, told us that there's a thin line between genuis and " loka-loka ." Wala lang. Gusto ko lang ibahagi. Nakatuwa hehehe. I'm a full student this semester. Well, more specifically a part-time music BM/MA Music Education student with two overlapping Choral Arranging subjects, and a part-time supposedly-thesis-finishing MS Epidemiology student. Crazy-genius. Last Saturday, the chamber had a formal internal audition for leadership. I intentionally failed it, knowing subconsciously that I should not dream of being a principal violinist – not yet. But I was depressed when I got the lowest score, with some thinking that I should leave behind my whims for a while and set things straight with my priority. I know at the back of my head that I am not a full-fledged musician, because I study but not fully practice music. In our recent Choral Arranging class, Sister Emilita was stressing that everyone in the class is a good pianist, except...

It's been like centuries since I last wrote a post. Probably because for two months I've had a whirlwind ride into worlds I thought I'd never encounter. With divine grace, I was able to visit more than 10 cities or towns in 5 countries. In Europe. I got wet in the Geneva Lake water jet and allowed snow from the Alps to get in my underwear and melt there. I let an old Swiss (or French) man in the flee market shout at us in disdain without talking back. I got lost in the Vatican Museums as price for venturing alone on the vast country (Vatican City is a country) taking megabytes of photos, allowed or prohibited. I also almost got lost while exploring the three buildings of the Louvre under time constraint. I almost bowed down upon seeing the Notre Dame at night for the first time. Same goes with the interior of the Basilica di San Pietro. I had the best quality time with my Mom, especially when we clashed in the Eiffel Tower simply because I wanted to go downstairs from the s...

... struck me, as any other life-moving stories did. Just when I was about to try to start working at 11:30 p.m., our TV downstairs was tuned to HBO, featuring "Freedom Writers," which tackles division and racism in an American classroom setting, and a teacher doing her job too well. Whoah. Yun lang . And it's too good to be true-to-life. I actually searched for the Freedom Writers Foundation and their book, the Freedom Writers Diary. It was there. It was true. It struck me, well, because I share the same sentiments as a teacher, only Ms. Gruwell had worse. Racism and gangsters are not major problems in the country, well at least not in my small world. But division and distraction of students from personal lives that make them poor performers are issues here. Ms. Gruwell's methods were unconventional, inefficient in resource use, but very effective in the long run. I want to be as good as her. Problem is, I'm not a literature teacher. I'm as statistics profess...

That's how an Isabelan friend described Sister Emelita's extraordinary sightreading powers. (Sightreading = playing/singing a musical piece while reading it for the first time). That's how I feel now. Halukay ube . I'm in high spirits primarily because I'm out of my dreaded full-time work. Now, I have more time for myself and for setting my priorities straight. I'm also gratified for a lot of things that came this first quarter: SICCO's second Baroque concert, SIC Music Department's Baguio retreat, my approved Shengen and UK visa, opportunity to work with WHO, among others. But most of all, I am thrilled to prepare for the trip of my life - out of the country, to the womb of Western civilization. But some things bother me a lot. First, I am now a bum, and I don't feel to have the capacity to set priorities. I still have a lot of things to work hard on - my masters thesis, to top them all. I am also burdened as a music student and statistics p...

I swallow the fact that I have problems in keeping my friends, old and new. My mom mentioned about my childhood family balikbayan friends having " tampo " with me and my brother because of loss of communication and our lack of effort to see them on their visit here in the Philippines last year. I heard my mom talking to them a while ago but I was not called to greet them - looks obvious enough. This one, however, is rooted from sensitive family matters, so enough said. I'm also having concerns with my associations with my past college friends. Responding to invitations to go out with them seemed too much of an effort for me. It would either be that I had no cellphone load to reply, I had so much work to do, or I simply didn't want to get out. This one, sadly, is partly rooted in another sensitive personal matter, so enough said. High school reunions? Let's not even dwelve there. I had a dinner with my music classmate and my teacher, discussing best friends. The t...