Sawi

Habang sinusulat ko ito, nagdurusa ako sa trangkaso at sakit sa puso, sa baga o sa kung ano pa man. Kung mapaglaro ang tadhana sa akin at di na makapagsulat pang muli, kahit papaano ay nakapagsulat ako ngayon.

Ang pag-ibig ay isang bagay na nalalaman ko mula sa ibang tao ngunit hingi sa aking sarili. Ang alam ko lang ay hindi ako nabibigyan ng pag-asa upang umibig. Maaring hindi ako kinagigiliwan ng aking gusto, o di kaya'y hindi ko gusto ang mga nahuhumaling sa akin.

Ngunit alam ko kapag mayroon akong pag-asa. At sa kasamaang palad, hindi ko alam kung paano hulihin ang pagkakataong iyon. Laging sumasabog sa aking harapan ang mga bagay na sana ay nagiging makabuluhan. Tulad ngayon.

Sa isang di pagkakaunawan ng dapat ay isang kaibigan, nahihirapan akong makipagkasundo. Kung sa isang magkaibigan, sana ngayon ay maayos na ang aming relasyon. Ngunit hindi ko mawari kung bakit tumatagal nang ganito.

Nagmumukmok siya sa akin, ngunit sinasabi niyang hindi siya galit. Ayaw na raw niyang makinig sa kahit ano pa mang sabihin ko. Muntik ko na siyang amuhin, ngunit nangibabaw ang aking masamang ugali at hindi ko na siya kinibo.

Maayos na sana ang lahat nang nasumbatan ko siya kanina lamang, at hindi na naman niya ako kinibo. Tila namimikon pa siya nang kausapin nang may giliw ang iba, ngunit ako'y hindi pinapansin.

Ano ang mali sa aking mga ginawa? Alam ko na may kapintasan sa aking pagkatao, ngunit ano ang aking nagawang kasalanan sa kanya? Ako ba ay naging marahas sa pagiging totoo bilang kaibigan? Napakaselan na ng lahat na tila hindi na maaring magkaayos pa.

Bakit niya ako pinapahirapan ng ganito? May gusto ba siya sa akin? O sadya lang siyang matampuhin tulad ko.

Kung ano pa man iyon, tila nawawalan na ako ng pag-asang magkakaayos pa kaming muli. May lamat na ang aming pagkakaibigan dahil sa mga walang halagang bagay.

Ngunit labis ko itong ikinapipighati dahil alam ko, at marahil ay alam din niya, na minamahal ko siya.

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