My Reflections in 2011 (Good or Bad)

To save money, earn like a prince but live like a pauper. *wink*

A career is a choice with conviction. To have a good name in your field, focus on persevering in that field. Do not waste time and resources to linger around without establishing your profession. Time is running out.

No matter how systematic you plan for your goals, uncontrollable external factors will try to ruin your pursuits, or at least delay them. So always consider and assume the obstacles you will face for every plan that you make. Backup plans? They also fail.

From gossips to serious matters, always tell the truth, or what you think is the truth. You never know how your words spread across the globe.

No matter how convenient your workplace is, it will always have snake pits. I learned long ago that I should neither boot lick nor bow to mediocrity. Now I realize that even if you try very hard to do your best and be truthful to others, you can never assume that your fellow workers, even your closest, will do and be the same.

If your are highly regarded by your boss and your name precedes you in your workplace, some of your coworkers, especially at your level, will always be envious of you. You may not notice that at first, but the stench of jealousy and insecurity will come out in the long run. Have a close watch on them and keep a low profile at start.

Even your closest friends can talk about you or against you behind your back. Assume that they do. But don't get too paranoid.

Arrogance is bad. But when you are in a world full of negative vibrations, especially with people who you know will pull you down, your ego will dictate you not to be humble for your own protection. But be sure not to step on others. If you do, apologize.

Do not apologize to someone who does not know the meaning of apology.

Influence and power are short-lived, but strength of character lasts. If you have influence and power, wield them for the right things and never fear to lose them for a greater cause for you will still have yourself, proud with integrity.

Self-preservation is always the ultimate excuse to turn back on your principles.

Do not mind what others think of you, as long as you know that you are right. They will realize your legacy in the long run.

Love is not just an emotion or a choice. It is also a tool for self-destruction. It can be a poison, an addiction. Love can make you do crazy things, even hurt a friend. Do not use love as a reason to afflict others. Play fair.

Always evaluate you stand on love. It is a gamble that can cost you a lot. If you know you can't win, accept defeat.

Losing your trust on people compels you to burn bridges. It really "burns" inside, especially when the bonds were strong. But life must go on even when you lose friends or loved ones in the process.

Hindi ako nagtatampo, nagtatanim lang ako ng sama ng loob.

Totoo yan.

Kahit napatawad na kita, hindi ko malilimitan ang mga bagay na ginawa mo sa akin, lalo na't alam ko and iyong motibo at ito'y iyong sinasadya.

Kahit batiin mo ako ng matamis mong ngiti, na alam ko na ito'y hindi taos-puso, babatiin kita para sa delikadesa, ngunit hindi mo na makukuha pa ang loob ko na ika'y ngitian ng taos-puso. Sapagkat sa simula pa lamang ay alam ko na ayaw mo akong bumalik at makisawsaw sa inyong magandang pagsasama at guluhin ang inyong kaligayahan.

Alam ko kung bakit ka nakasimangot palagi kapag nandyan ako. Alam ko kung bakit ka nalulumbay sa tuwing magkasama tayo. Kung anu-anong dahilan pa ang iyong sinasabi, ngunit batid ko ang katotohanan. Matindi ang pagseselos mo sa akin.

Sana ay masaya ka na sa aking desisyon at nilulubayan ko na kayo. Sana ay maging maligaya ka na sa aking ginawa na bunga ng iyong kagagawan. Hayaan mo lang ako. Mabubuhay ako nang wala kayo.

Ngunit magkatuluyan man kayo o hindi, hindi mo na maibabalik ang ating pagkakaibigan kailanman.

Sawi

Habang sinusulat ko ito, nagdurusa ako sa trangkaso at sakit sa puso, sa baga o sa kung ano pa man. Kung mapaglaro ang tadhana sa akin at di na makapagsulat pang muli, kahit papaano ay nakapagsulat ako ngayon.

Ang pag-ibig ay isang bagay na nalalaman ko mula sa ibang tao ngunit hingi sa aking sarili. Ang alam ko lang ay hindi ako nabibigyan ng pag-asa upang umibig. Maaring hindi ako kinagigiliwan ng aking gusto, o di kaya'y hindi ko gusto ang mga nahuhumaling sa akin.

Ngunit alam ko kapag mayroon akong pag-asa. At sa kasamaang palad, hindi ko alam kung paano hulihin ang pagkakataong iyon. Laging sumasabog sa aking harapan ang mga bagay na sana ay nagiging makabuluhan. Tulad ngayon.

Sa isang di pagkakaunawan ng dapat ay isang kaibigan, nahihirapan akong makipagkasundo. Kung sa isang magkaibigan, sana ngayon ay maayos na ang aming relasyon. Ngunit hindi ko mawari kung bakit tumatagal nang ganito.

Nagmumukmok siya sa akin, ngunit sinasabi niyang hindi siya galit. Ayaw na raw niyang makinig sa kahit ano pa mang sabihin ko. Muntik ko na siyang amuhin, ngunit nangibabaw ang aking masamang ugali at hindi ko na siya kinibo.

Maayos na sana ang lahat nang nasumbatan ko siya kanina lamang, at hindi na naman niya ako kinibo. Tila namimikon pa siya nang kausapin nang may giliw ang iba, ngunit ako'y hindi pinapansin.

Ano ang mali sa aking mga ginawa? Alam ko na may kapintasan sa aking pagkatao, ngunit ano ang aking nagawang kasalanan sa kanya? Ako ba ay naging marahas sa pagiging totoo bilang kaibigan? Napakaselan na ng lahat na tila hindi na maaring magkaayos pa.

Bakit niya ako pinapahirapan ng ganito? May gusto ba siya sa akin? O sadya lang siyang matampuhin tulad ko.

Kung ano pa man iyon, tila nawawalan na ako ng pag-asang magkakaayos pa kaming muli. May lamat na ang aming pagkakaibigan dahil sa mga walang halagang bagay.

Ngunit labis ko itong ikinapipighati dahil alam ko, at marahil ay alam din niya, na minamahal ko siya.

Awkward moment

Share ko lang.

Kakatapos lang ng huling klase namin kanina. Tulad ng dati, nakihati na naman ako sa sandwich niya. Nagdesisyon na kaming umuwi, pero dumaan muna kami sa 7-eleven para bumili ng inumin. Bigla siyang nag-open.

"Uy, yung tungkol sa kahapon, napikon ka ba sa 'kin?"

Napaisip ako. "Oo, nainis ako. Alam mo naman na inis ako 'di ba?"

"Oo, pero pag-usapan muna natin, dito muna tayo, ok lang?" Nakatapat kami sa magazine rack, tumitingin ng mga magazine habang nag-uusap.

Nailang ako. Alam ko kasi na ayos na kami. Madali naman mawala ang inis ko, lalo na sa kanya. Pero sinimulan niya ulit kaya naalala ko na naman.

"Napikon ako, I felt miserable. Parang ako lang yung taong ginaganon mo, na feeling ko mali na naman ako."

Kinutya niya kasi ako kahapon tungkol sa violent reactions ko sa mga ka-meeting namin, masyado raw akong obvious na naglu-loose comment, naiirita at nagtataray. Pinagtawanan pa niya ako nung nakita nila sa mukha ko na gulat na gulat sa mga nangyayari sa mga kaharap naming kung anu-ano ang pinag-uusapan. Paulit-ulit pa akong kinukutya. Nasabihan ko tuloy siyang "Ikaw na ang magaling, ikaw na ang maalam, ikaw na ang magaling makipag-usap!" Mukhang tinablan siya doon. Pero ang alam ko ayos na kami nung gabing yun habang lumilibot kami sa mall.

Magkaiba kasi ang values namin pagdating sa pakikitungo sa tao. Siya, masyadong diplomatic. Dapat maganda palagi ang maririnig sa 'yo ng tao. Ako naman, masyadong prangka. Mas totoo sa pandinig, mas tagos sa puso, mas maganda.

"Bakit, natatakot kang magtampo ako sa 'yo, na magalit ako sa 'yo?" tanong ko. Natahimik siya.

"Hindi, parang sumosobra na kasi ako, na parang palagi pinipilit ko na ako yung tama sa 'yo, na hindi naman dapat..."

"... Uy, sorry ha," sabi niya. Ako naman ang natahimik.

"Ang sa akin naman, maasar ako, mapipikon, pero at the end of the day, iisipin ko kung nagkamali nga ba ako," sabi ko. "Iniisip ko rin naman na may point ka, na kelangan magmellow rin ako sa mga kilos ko."

"Hindi ko rin naman kasi alam kung ako yung tama, o tama rin naman yung maging outspoken. Ayun... self righteous ba ako?"

"Self-absorbed." Pabiro kong sinagot.

Nagtuluy-tuloy pa nang kaunti ang aming usapan. Inungkat na naman namin yung pagmumura ko sa office, yung mga panahon na nasa field kami at ibang tao. Niyaya ko siyang kumain sa kung saan, pero busog daw siya, at sandali lang naman daw yung usap namin.

"Basta rest assured na I take your comments in a positive way, always. Minsan maasar ako, pero sandali lang yun. Alam mo rin naman kung napipikon na ako eh. Saka halata ka kaya kapag tinatantsa mo kung galit ako, tatanungin mo ako ng random questions..."

"Hindi naman tinatantsa, alam ko na napipikon ka, nag-aappease lang ako."

Hanggang sa nagkahiwalay na kami, yun na ang naaalala kong huling pinag-usapan namin.

Nagtext ako, "Salamat sa pagiging open at frank ha. Awkward lang pero sobrang naappreciate ko xa."

"Thanks din. aayos na ako. haha" reply niya.

Wala akong nakilalang taong napakatapat, napaka-sincere at napakalambing na makipag-usap sa aking ng ganoon. At tunay kong itinatangi ang pagkakataong ito, kahit "awkward."

Umiibig na naman ata talaga ako. Buwiset.

Makeover

I think I became a better person these past few days.

I have recognized forgiveness and humility. I have forgiven people wholeheartedly and willingly have asked for forgiveness. I have also accepted my limitations as a person... that I can't have everything I want.

I have acknowledged personal space. I realize that I do not know every detail about my friends to sustain friendship and faithfulness.

I have understood jealousy and envy in theory and in practice. I have seen how friends get jealous and how it affects their lives. I myself have experienced jealousy, and realized that it's all about selfishness.

There are some things about my conversion that I can't explain in writing. Suffice it to say, I'm better.

I have set my new motto. If I can't be a good person today, I'll be a better person tomorrow.

Seclusion Perpetua

(derived from reclusion perpetua, which means permanent imprisonment. But mine means perpetual seclusion from the world.)

"Next time na makita kita, graduate ka na, ha?"

That was the last words of the CPH dean from her sermon a while ago. A few hours before our small chat, someone called and informed me that the dean did not approve my request for MRR extension, that she left a note for me to read. I ditched my plan for today, headed to CPH right away and settled her demands.

"Hindi ko pipirmahan yang letter mo hangga't hindi ka magko-commit sa thesis mo."

This, on the other hand, was my thesis adviser's reprimand when I approached her last week to file for petition to extend my residency. After my adviser's "high mass," I called Ms. Jean of the Music Department right away to tell her that I was forced and thus will definitely take a leave for the whole semester. I reported back to my adviser and told her that all is settled. She immediately signed my papers.

I get it. I am haunted due to my negligence, extended up to seven years because of their mercy. I'm delinquent, and I won't get another chance. I deserve it.

I thought at first that I was a superman, that I could do anything I want, could multitask, could finish my thesis and continue teaching. But then I realized that the ball of the game is not in my hands anymore. I lost the power of choice when I started filing for petitions to extend my residency. Older and more powerful people are dictating what I should do. I'm losing liberty like going back to being a kid.

But a good friend told me that sometimes not having too much options is good. It gives you focus. It leads you to the right path. Another friend said God must have intervened.

So I packed my things in SIC and fulfilled my given word. I have relieved myself from duty to teach and participate in any musical activities, including the orchestra. I am detaching myself to most of what I used to do - and what I used to be - these part few years like having a life imprisonment sentence. Now I will spend the rest of my time in my small room, looking at this computer, squeezing my brains out until I accomplish my mission.

But now I am more focused on what's truly important - my future. And I am grateful that divine intervention took place in my favor.

What greater things can I achieve in this lifetime

... than to have an incredible dream out of an inspiration from a special mentor...

... to make a crucial decision to fulfill that dream, which almost jeopardized my life's first theme...

... to tell my skeptic parents about this decision and make it really happen in front of their eyes...

... to sacrifice significant amounts of time, effort and resources just to make that dream come to life...

... to have friends along the way who share that common dream...

... to meet other great mentors in the process of learning how to achieve it...

... to sometimes face reality about my limitations and hindrances in fulfilling it...

... to break away from those obstacles and make miracles in the progress...

... to slowly evolve from an amateur pupil to an able musician...

... and finally to play the violin beautifully for the wedding of my first violin mentor as gratitude and tribute for the inspiration that she gave me, to be a violinist, right from the very beginning?

There's no other great thing that I can possibly achieve in this lifetime than to pay the graces back to the people I owe my impossible aspirations to...

... except perhaps for paying them forward to others who would aspire for impossible things the same way as I did.